I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!
Went outside today and gathered with a wonderful group of friends. We all went to see the new horror/comedy We Summon The Darkness in an air-conditioned theater with over 200 members of the community. We were so happy to see each other that we didn’t even mind standing in line for over 20 minutes before the workers led us into the auditorium.
I was so excited that I totally forgot to mention that we went to a restaurant that was completely packed before the movie. I was so happy and felt fortunate that we even got a table considering it was the dinner/lunch/breakfast time and that restaurant is usually packed during those busy hours.
Um, John’s Restaurant. It’s over on Main and…First Street. It was full.
Anyway, we ate so much food that was served to us from waiters and waitresses. Then we paid in cash and even left a tip for them. We went to the theater as previously mentioned and paid a ticket for a theater movie and then watched the movie in a packed theater. Everyone had so much fun. It is April and everyone is enjoying going outside and watching movies in theaters!
So did I. I went to a non-essential business with my face exposed.
Nothing. I was just mentioning how much fun we were having socializing.
And after the movie, we went to a rock concert with over 14,000 other people and we had a wonderful time.
I’m going to do this review and after I finish the review I’m going to go outside, walk to the nearest theater and see another movie and review it. That’s something incredibly plausible that I will do.
Onto the review!
We Summon The Darkness opens on 4th of July weekend in 1988.
Oh good, something set during the 1980s. Because I’ve always said there aren’t enough movies or television shows set in the 80s. It’s almost like current screenwriters aren’t living in some pathetic nostalgia bubble and if you somehow set the movie in the 80s, it’ll cover up a lot of major story flaws and plot holes because viewers of a certain age with their nostalgia goggles permanently affixed with easily forgive anything set in the 80s, no matter how awful it is.
Three young women are going to a concert in what looks like a VFW hall. Let’s meet them before they all die.
We totally (it is the 80s after all) meet-
- Alexis (Alexandra Daddario- from Baywatch and your favorite episode of True Detective)- She’s the leader of these ladies and she…I’m not sure what the does. Nope. She’s the driver. That’s an important job.
- Val (Maddie Hasson)- She has a weak bladder and teased blonde hair. That’s pretty much all there is to her.
- Beverly (Amy Forsyth- Hell Fest, and the excellent second season of Channel Zero). She’s new to the crew.
They’re ready to have fun, but they should also be careful. Everyone in town is in a Satanic panic as over a dozen people have been killed over the past couple of weeks in ritual killings, no doubt caused by those meddling kids and their evil rock music. A local Pastor (Johnny Knoxville) has vowed to end the killings with good old-fashioned prayer. Good luck with that.
Alexis and the girls seem like good people, and nothing bad will happen to them.
They get to the parking lot. They mill around. They see a van.
Three guys come out of the van. They’re- gasp!- drinking beer and, -gasp!!- smoking cigarettes.
You’re probably right, but let’s meet these killers anyway.
- Killer #1 Mark (Keean Johnson)- He’s a drummer, which tells you all you need to know.
- Killer #2 Kovacs (Logan Miller)- He’s the stoner character. That’s it.
- Killer #3 Ivan (Austin Swift- he’s Taylor Swift’s brother in real life and no matter how bad this movie is it’s not as terrible as Cats)- He’s a big guy. That’s it.
After the concert the guys think they should hang out some more. The girls are reluctant because of all the killings. The guys promise they’re of the standup sort and everyone on the theater knows they’re a bunch of killers.
Alexis’ daddy’s house is pretty near. She invites the guys over because she has a death wish.
The men come over.
Alexis’ house is a mansion. The guys are in awe. They’ll get to kill the girls in this nice giant house.
Bev and Alexis prepare the drinks.
The guys drink the specifically prepared drinks and within moments they are passed out.
Yes you did. All 400 people in the air-conditioned theater saw it coming.
They added 200 more seats so more people could watch the movie. #fun
The guys thought they were going to a concert and then hang out with some girls. What they weren’t expecting was those girls to want to commit murders in a mediocre horror movie. They’re going to have to not be so sexist if they want to survive this night…alive.
What Works With We Summon The Darkness
- Like last December’s flaccid Black Christmas remake, We Summon the Darkness has an excellent young cast. Alexandra Daddario is nicely cast against type. Amy Forsyth shows steely resolve. It’s not their fault the movie is so mediocre. We should have summoned a much better script.
What Doesn’t Work With We Summon The Darkness
- You get the feeling writer Alan Trezza summoned the overused trope of setting the movie in the 80s because the movie would have been 30 minutes long if any of the main characters had an iPhone.
- For a horror comedy, there’s aren’t a lot of laughs. You like some of the characters and you might smile at some of their dialogue, but you never laugh. For a comedy horror, you are never, ever scared. There are setups for potential scares, but the movie never, ever follows through with them. Satan would be disappointed.
You summon another movie.
Buy The Movie Here!
Noel Penaflor (author) from California on April 18, 2020:
Sam Shepards from Europe on April 18, 2020:
Haha, favorite episode from true detective.