This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
Dan Berk and Robert Olsen
Dan Berk and Robert Olsen
It’s after Christmas and you feel like you really need to see something good. You’ve seen The Rise of Skywalker a handful of times but that was just okay.
You actually paid money to buy advance tickets to Cats, as if that POS was going to be sold out anytime soon or anytime at all. You took an Uber to see it and the driver (Meg) asked you what you were going to see. You replied Cats and she threw you out of her car two blocks away from the theater. She gave you a 1-star rating simply because you were going to see Cats, which is 1 star more than the movie itself. While you were walking to the theater, you were mugged. The muggers (a husband and wife team of Belinda and Carl Carruthers) took all your money and your pants but left your phone as it had the app open with your online tickets to Cats and they wanted nothing to do with that.
BTW- As previously mentioned, I’m writing this review right after Christmas. So if you’re reading this review say, sometime in February, then you’ll know why.
Guess the Skarsgaard and win a Hemsworth!
Anyway, you got to the box-office and showed the ticket taker (also named Meg) your ticket to Cats. She felt sorry for you, not because you didn’t have any pants on, but because you were going to see Cats. Ticket taker Meg was going to give you a 1-star rating but upped to a 2-star rating out of pity.
You sat through Cats. It was as bad as you’d heard.
There was a silver lining after your post-Christmas movie debacle. At least you got some pants. The other person in the theater (Patrick) 3 rows up killed himself rather than finish the movie. You understood how he felt and realized that since he no longer had a life he no longer had a need for pants. You took the pants off the Patrick corpse. Lo and behold they fit you perfectly.
During your 6-mile walk home you vowed never to see a terrible movie in the theater again. If you were going to see a bad movie, at least do it from the comfort of your own home. From your home, there’s a very good chance (maybe 60%-70%) that you wouldn’t get mugged and have your pants taken.
Speaking of bad/mediocre movies you might be able to watch from home; this is a review of the horror/comedy/thriller Villains (2019).
Villains opens with young lovers Mickey (Bill Skarsgard- It, It Chapter 2, behind the scenes of It and It Chapter 2) and Jules (Maika Monroe- It Follows, It Follows You, It Follows You Back, It Follows You Back To The Future) on the run.
Why are they on the run?
Because they’ve just robbed a convenience store. Jules and Mickey have dreams of moving to Florida and literally selling seashells by the sea, um, beach shore. But first they’re going to have to evade the c-ops.
That’s going to be difficult because Mickey, dumbass that he is, forgot to fill up the tank before he and Jules decided that robbing a convenience store would be the best course of action. It’s not long before they’re stranded on the side of the road.
Good thing they ran out of gas in a decent neighborhood. Good thing they’re white or else they would have been shot on sight in said neighborhood. Good thing the house they’ve decided to hole up in is empty.
Mickey and Jules (I keep on wanting to write “Mickey and Mallory” but that’s from a much better movie involving a couple committing crimes) break into the house to keep out of sight until they can figure something out.
It isn’t long before they realize that someone else is in the house with them. They go into the basement and realize there’s a little girl chained to a column. I’ve realized I’ve written the word “realize” way too many times in one paragraph.
Mickey and Jules vow to get the little girl free and take her with them.
But not before the owners of the house come home. Their names are George (Jeffrey Donovan) and Gloria (Kyra Sedgwick). Even though they see that Jules and Mickey are holding guns, you get the feeling that George and Gloria are really the ones in control.
Before they get to Florida, Mickey and Jules are going to have to get out of George and Gloria’s house. Alive.
What Works With Villains
- Kyra Sedgwick’s unhinged performance as the um, very maternal Gloria, is the only thing you’ll remember from Villains as it’s the only thing worth remembering. Every time Sedgwick is onscreen, the audience is immediately off-balance. You wish the entire movie were about Gloria. Maybe then Villains would have been good. Or even just watchable.
What Doesn’t Work With Villains
- The normally dependable Bill Skarsgard and Maika Monroe are miscast as the free-spirited bank robbers. They don’t have a lot of onscreen chemistry as a couple, and though Skarsgard can play creepy while he Skar-sleeps, you just don’t buy him in this role. Granted, he isn’t given much material to work with.
- The script from writer/directors Dan Berk and Robert Olsen borrow/steal from other, much better movies that should be seen multiple times before this. Villains is labeled as horror, but it doesn’t horrify. Labeled as a comedy, but the jokes misfire more often than not. Labeled as a thriller, but rarely if ever thrills.
If you’re the biggest Bill Skarsgard fan, then maybe, just maybe you’d enjoy Villains for that very narrow reason. Or just see episodes of Castle Rock again. For everyone else, don’t make yourself into your own villain by wasting your time with Villains. Hope you had a Merry Christmas
Again, if you’re reading this long after Christmas I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day and sorry about that thing that happened to you in January.
Really 1.5 stars but it wouldn’t let me do that
Buy Villains Here!
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.
© 2019 Noel Penaflor