Villaintine’s Day has thankfully gone and passed us ladies and gentlemen, the day when you submit to holiday marketing strategies to spend money for your idolized version of a human being (Or Dog, or horse, or cyber/2-d character? I won’t judge you, I guess…). If you’re reading this article, you’re probably a fan of anime, or forming a dogmatic circle-jerk against all de nerds you “hip” kids are jelly about, or you’re just as lost as Zoro from One Piece and wondering how the hell you can click out of this page. Whatever your reasons for being here, I’m here today to rip your expectations apart, for at heart we’re all judgment pricks either denigrating another’s relationship because it isn’t as good as the one we’re in, or belittling it when it doesn’t live up to our standards. I’m here today to inform you to look in a mirror, then look at your partner/horse/2-d waifu and realize there was someone out there for the mess of hormones and hellscape environment you both call an individual, just as there’s someone out there for these ten anime girls. That person chiefly yours truly, and, after reading this article, will also include you.
10. Julieta Juris (Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron Blooded Orphans)
Who in the name of Wing Zero could hate this beautiful, blonde military girl? Have a secret fetish of dating Michelle Rodriguez, but wish she was a tomboy with a bowl cut, keeping her outfit green and clean? Julieta’s your woman. The biggest obstacle, naturally, would be removing her affections for Commander Rustal, but a man redirecting that energy for himself would have a woman dedicated through fire and brimstone for his love. Her bluntness, tenacity, and ability to pilot a Mobile Suit better than the average Joe (Can you pilot a Mobile Suit? Point made) make her a true catch for any guy loving military types or strong, capable women. Oh, and the greatest, dateable trait of Julieta? Her ability to take credit for other’s accomplishments and to give it to someone else, like a more effective version of Kanye West. In the middle of a fight or argument with your rival or enemy? Fight him until you’re both worn and tired, have Julieta sit on the sidelines like a beaten puppy, then unleash your secret weapon as she swoops in, wins the battle, then gives all the credit to you. Now that’s true love right there.
9. Nina Einstein (Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion)
First off, this girl’s last name is Einstein, meaning she’s probably related to Albert Einstein (Or whatever version of him existed in the world of Code Geass), so you already know she has genius in her blood. To drive the point further home, Ms. Einstein was also the head of Code Geass’s Manhattan Project, creating the weapon of mass destruction FLEIJA that changed the entire way war in the world was fought. What type of guys should go for Nina Einstein, other than myself? Those looking for horny geniuses with a slight dose of mental instability, geek girls with glasses, those who share a fetish for making love on or to tables, and any guys with a hardcore revenge streak. As a matter of fact, many might find this her most appealing quality. If Nina Einstein develops an attachment to you, and someone makes you “bite the bucket,” (Maybe you were shot by the leader of a revolutionary army; maybe someone accidentally bumped you into incoming traffic?) know they’re only a weapon of mass destruction away from burning with the rest of the world.
8. Seryu Ubiquitous (Akame Ga Kill)
Seryu Ubiquitous is the sword of justice incarnate. This girl is a justice freak, and will sacrifice more people for her sense of justice than the Mayans did for their human-hungry gods. So, if you’re a police officer, military official, a follower of Quetzalcoatl, or a Turian, you’ll want to snatch up Sweet Seryu quicker than a Holy Grail at a Round Table convention. And you want to know the best part about dating this particular justice freak? She doesn’t care about corruption! While the average justice seeker would want to hang you by your wrists off a cliff for “indulging” your darker side a little bit (like that goody-good Samara from M-ass Effect or the over-idealistic Saber from Unlimited Budget Works), Seryu would give you a pass, as long as you’re doing it for justice. Hell, after you manage to drag this brown-haired goddess of death from hunting the Night Raid Members to going out for smoothies, if you ever find yourself in a bind, just remember following the phrase to save yourself from a cornucopia of bullet holes: “Yes I _____________, but I did it… for JUSTICE!” And don’t forget to scream that last “JUSTICE,” as in scream it until your lungs bust, for maximum believability. Her eyes will grow larger than full moons, she’ll probably jump to join in whatever “errand for JUSTICE” you’re undertaking, and you’ll have cemented yourself in a healthy, ubiquitous relationship.
7. Chi-Chi (Dragon Ball Series)
Many people give Chi-chi a bad rep for her “nagging” her husband while he does everything he can to “save the world,” but I’m here to tell you Chi-Chi makes one hell of a wife. Not only does she still maintain a functioning household in a world where planet-busting villains threaten it on a daily basis, but she managed to turn a son into a scholar, that same son who was half the time getting dragged into conflicts by his alien, battle-hound of a father, and at others was getting trained by the spawn of a green overlord who had wet dreams of killing her husband. So, if you desire a mindless Stepford wife saying “Yes master” as you become poorer than hobo-Spiderman from ”Into the Spiderverse,” then more power to you. But if you want a woman who will hold down the fort, even when said fort is being rampaged by a genie capable of genociding the human race in a single attack, then this Great Wife Shark is your perfect match.
6. Yuno Gasai (The Future Diary)
Ahhhh, the trope codifier for the Yandere herself. I am well aware many guys would dream of sprinting in a relationship with Yuno, or at least taking the “hit-it-and-quit-it” route, considering her killer looks (no pun intended) get offset by her murderous attachment, but I believe there’s a solid argument for a long-term commitment. Many men see her tendency to hack/shoot/maim anyone looking at the object of her affection cross-eyed as a deal breaker, yet she’s a match made in heaven for loners/orphans/sociopaths. If you care about no one else but yourself or have no other family to get in the way of Yuno’s affections, who cares if she guns down everyone at your class reunion for making snide comments about your relationship? That girl at your job always embarrassing you by flirting even though she has a boyfriend? Forget about her! Yuno already knows about it, and that girl will soon disappear quicker than you can say, “Abrakamurder.” Perhaps you come from a family more messed up than Hellraiser’s Cenobites and wish to free yourself from the torture? Well, my friend, you can bet their lives Yuno has a katana for you! All it takes is the right fit for Yuno to be your long-term ride-or-die dream girl.
5. Lucy (Elfin Lied)
The Star Trek “Green Girl” fetish is so last decade. Now people are fighting over Interspecies Reviewers, the Asari, and what female Centaurs and Dullahans do in their “personal” time. What these interspecies relationships lack, however, is sexy, invisible vectors able to rip enemies to shreds. Lucy may come with issues that may give the average suitor pause, like an instinctual need to exterminate humanity and a revenge streak against anyone doing ill will against her, but her dedication to Kouta shows a loving side to her personality available to anyone with the maturity to respect her differences rather than joke about them. Sadly, those thinking they’re as funny as Wakeem Phoenix in “Joker” doing stand-up should not apply here, nor those who think “friendly bullying” is a good way to show rapport with friends. On the other hand, if you’re good at telling people what they want to hear, and don’t get caught talking about them behind their back, or if you’re genuinely a good person able to forgive someone for ripping your family apart in front of you (I mean literally, of course…), then finding love with Lucy will not only be a safe venture, but also an affectionate one.
4. Medusa Gorgon (Soul Eater)
Cruel, attractive, amoral, Medusa was the premier villain for most of Soul Eater, until that mummy of chaos came and stole the show, yet even these qualities wouldn’t give her Gorgonites pause from licking her toes until their spines curled. Most people who have touched the masterpiece that is Soul Eater would agree it’s her treatment of her only son, Crona, that would make most date prospects leave her with a cold bill as they slithered out the back door. Fortunately, I believe a silver lining existed for her tough love, especially for those obsessed with elite children, or at least those wanting children able to carry their torches adequately: Her child rearing essentially created a super-soldier who earned many capable friends and allies. If the end justifies the means, when it comes to raising capable witch-hunting offspring, Medusa Gorgon would be your idea match. Just make sure you’re either a Beta guy/gal or a strong Alpha, because, unless you’re willing to be her obedient pet, she might be willing to kill you to prove her love.
3. Sekai Saionji (School Days)
Probably the easiest choice to make from this list, Sekai is your typical, normal girl. She goes to school, does her homework, has an interest in boys, and probably has dreams and aspirations we didn’t get to explore in this Shakespearean masterpiece of a harem deconstruction. Heck, if she likes you enough, it doesn’t even matter who’s in her way (best friends are fair game), you’re just a few “fake” dating sessions away from ending up in her bedroom. You’re only going to have two major problems to deal with: #1. Absolutely, under NO circumstances… Can you leave her, as in end the relationship, or you can expect yourself deader than a deer in a Ferrari’s headlights. You may think this is going to be easy, especially if you’re the honest, self-righteous type who has never stepped on an ant or eaten another organism (News flash: Crabs feel pain when boiled and plants communicate using chemicals and move towards light sources), until you remember the old phrase saying, “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.” For #2 is what I like to call the Tenchi Effect: Having 1 harmless, anime girl love interest increases one’s chances of drawing more love interests, from the most unlikely places and indiscernible reasons, by 99.99%. If you remember these two rules and have the will of Buddha to stick with them, then you can have a normal, drama-free relationship with Sekai. If you can’t, you’ll be dead, which might be worth it if you want a girlfriend DTF at any place or any time.
2. Louise Francoise Le Blanc de La Valliere (The Familiar Zero)
I, for one, am happy the age of Tsunderes is over, when fanboys (and some fangirls amazingly) drooled over female protagonists who would just as easily beat their love interests into a pulp as they would kiss them. However, one Tsundere from the age of female-on-male-abuse-being-cute stands out above the rest in her ferocity, cruelty, and blatant disrespect for any shred of dignity her husboo had left: Miss-Frenchest-Name-That-Ever-Frenched-In-France: Louise Francoise Le Blanc. A female protagonist with enough male abuse to have her death-sentenced and excommunicated by three religions for five lifetimes, any tuxedoed suitor would naturally scratch his head wondering what could be the positive from taking Miss Blanc’s hand as she whips yours with forty lashes. The answer is simple, if not a little crass: Only masochists/gold diggers need apply. If you have secret membership to a BDSM club as a sub (or an open one, in which I will congratulate you by saying, “Go you, Mr/Miss Confident! Yay!”), and don’t mind a “little” pain for a lot of cash, then the obstacles listed above will appear as nothing but a small ditch to forming a bond with your dom of love.
1. Malty S. Melromarc, a.k.a Myne Sophia (Rising of the Shield Hero)
B*tch, formerly known as the 1st Princess of Melromarc, gets a reputation rivaling Shou Tucker, the despised scientist from Full Metal Alchemist who dreamed of turning his daughter into a dog, for being the most despised anime character in existence. For undisclosed reasons (In the anime, you manga-obsessed elitists), she bears a hatred for the Shield Hero, so much hatred she casually turns his “fun-filled life in another world” to a hell on Earth by lying about being raped and stealing all his equipment. I know you’re currently red-faced, ready to punch a hole through your monitor, screaming into the void, “How in Isekai can this woman be worth dating?!” Ever heard the saying, “So-and-so may be a monster, but so-in-so is MY monster?” Instead of remembering what a manipulative Jezebel Myne was to Naofumi, remember what an ally she was to Motoyasu, the dumb, inadequate, narcissistic Spear Hero she gave all of Naofumi’s equipment to. Appealing to her anger towards the Shield Hero, and as long you’re willing to accept the methods of a true villain behind you (as well as the consequences, like challenging an unscrupulous protagonist willing to have balloon monsters munch your face off for victory, or in your other party members being sold into slavery if they defy her ambitions), will guarantee a strong, capable lover able to manipulate the masses to her whims, and, coincidentally, to your whims as a consolation prize. And hey, even if you end up getting betrayed like so many others, a washed-up shell of your former self, driven to insanity as you sleep under bridges with a beer-keg as a suit, at least you managed get a lay with such a red-haired beauty right? Right?
© 2020 Zeron87