I thought I would bring some sexy back to the RCMP since I have given them a hard time online. What the heck? It's satire!
Hitch Hiking is treated as illegal, on not all, but some highways in Canada and the United States.
TACTICAL TRICK #1
Dress for success! Looking like a vagrant is no way to pick up a police officer. I know, I backpacked across Canada and the U.S. looking like a hippy Buddhist Monk and I was always tremendously hurt when police did not respond affectionately to my pick up lines. It injured my ego, but I got clever! I even went out of my way to J-walk, wear a red mountie push up bra and hitch hike on the busiest highways. When I told him I was just trying to get a date with em! What the heck? They laughed at me!
Hitch Hiking has Become a Lonely Activity
Today, very few venture onto the Trans-Canada Highway sticking out their thumbs
TACTICAL TRICK #2
If you see an RCMP car on your tail, perhaps checking your plate, just when they put on the flashers, woop, woop, ensure you have a prep kit in your purse! I highly recommend wearing a low cut shirt, spraying a little perfume on quickly, touch up your red blossom lipstick and then put on your best duck lips as he approaches your window.
Talk in a low raspy voice and say, " OMG! OMG! I didn't know?" in a very exasperated way! It will ease the tension so you can move in and pop the big question. Best way to ensure you meet up is to have a burnt out tail light. It happens all the time. Guaranteed pull over! You know they just loooove to give you tickets!
- Crime up in Red Deer for first half of 2019 | CTV News
The Red Deer RCMP released the crime statistics for the second quarter of 2019 at Monday’s city council meeting.
TACTICAL TRICK #3
Standing on a street corner smoking a cigarette at night is almost a sure way to meet a police officer. It has worked for me several times. I already wear black all the time as it is, not a far stretch to appear as a suspicious character, especially in any downtown core. I've never really needed a balaclava, cops dislike smokers. Heck, I don't even smell like an ashtray! When they do a drive by and give you 'the look', I just say, "Hey... I'm trying to quit!" But I never am. "Yo, you free to go to Tim Horton's for a coffee?" Ha, ha! "Come on, you can't turn down a Timmies!"
TACTICAL TRICK #4
The sure way to meet up with a hot cop is to walk into the Forestry Department Park and have a coffee at their picnic table (where the medical dope is genetically engineered) in Fredericton, New Brunswick, across from Walmart. Although there are no signs saying the public is not welcome, security was sure to dial 911 on me. When the police arrived, I casually invited them to sit with me and have a chat, but they handcuffed me and escorted me off the property then released me. No pink fur on these handcuffs! I didn't even get a free sample hoot! What the heck?
TACTICAL TRICK #5
My final recommendation and a sure way to meet a hot cop is to stand in front of a CCTV Camera too long, especially one inside or near a bank. Even if you are just warming up inside for 15 minutes, Garda World or the police will miraculously just show up, especially at night, especially in any big city in Canada. I'm like, okay, there are some cute cops out there but I don't want any Guard World. Do you?
And the second extra tip on how to definitely hook up with a cop, is to try and explain to the police officer why the terrorist cab driver shut off the cab meter and the cam inside the cab and tried to molest you while on a trip. The police won't believe you, and will believe the cab driver first. Especially, if you made a big deal about having his nasty hand on your body, the cab driver will actually be the one to report you for non payment as retaliation for rejection. Excellent way to get trapped into a fine or a ticket, if you are a woman, and ensure the cab driver escapes sexual harassment charges! Thanks, Associated Taxi Co.!
Before you get the hots for cops, be aware of the risks. I must admit before I adventured out further into investigative reporting and asking some tougher questions, I actually rather didn't mind the RCMP or city police forces in Canada. Except for all the overkill on giving petty tickets, photo radar and all the CCTV flashing cameras on streets and intersections. Then I got a beef. Although this was satire, all the events are based on true personal experiences here. I hope you learned something and I hope I made you giggle, even just a little bit. Salut!
"Survival of the fittest: Never judge a woman who overcomes everything that is meant to destroy her."
— Claudine Chaboyer- Metis Activist
© 2020 Claudine Chaboyer