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The World's Scariest Bunnies

Theophanes is a New-England-based blogger, traveler, writer, photographer, sculptor, and lover of cats.

the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies

Lately I have been noticing the population of scary bunnies has been growing at alarming rates. I know what you're thinking, "Bunnies are not scary" but that's probably because you haven't seen any of the bunnies I am about to mention. They are absolutely terrifying and they are taking the media world by storm...

The Easter Bunny

How can I write an article on scary bunnies without giving an homage to the grandaddy of all scary bunnies, the Easter Bunny himself? I don't think I can. Think about it. He hops all around the world taking suspicious photos with children for very ambiguous reasons. What does the Easter Bunny do again? And why are we claiming him as part of a Jesus-based holiday when he's actually a Pagan myth? I don't know... all I know is that every time he shows up there's something a little unsettling about him. Perhaps it's because his favorite food is human babies as seen here...

the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies
the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies

Some children intuitively know this little secret about the Easter Bunny but I'm afraid it might be a little too late for them...









You better not shout, you better not cry, I'm telling you why.... Angry Easter Bunny is coming to tooown!

You better not shout, you better not cry, I'm telling you why.... Angry Easter Bunny is coming to tooown!

And it is better off for everyone if you, as an adult, fully accept the fact that an Easter Bunny standing alone on the streets is really scary... You might not be able to pin down why but I'm pretty sure you're lying if you say you can look at these next bunnies without getting the heebie jeebies. "What is he up to...? Why is there a 6 foot tall anthropomorphic bunny walking through Detroit?"

the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies
the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies
It's the balloon that really does it for me. Can't you just hear the horror music playing in the background?

It's the balloon that really does it for me. Can't you just hear the horror music playing in the background?

And if none of that convinces you then maybe the fact the Easter bunny is a total social freak might... look at this one sniff his own hand. Who does that?! "Mmmm jelly bean paws." Even the poor child is unamused.

the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies
the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies

The Monty Python & the Holy Grail Bunny

The Monty Python bunny is one of the best scary bunnies out there because at first it just looks like an adorable white fluffball but then WHAM! It turns into a killer beast flying through the air and slaughtering many knights. Respect.

the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies

The Donnie Darko Bunny

The Donnie Darko Bunny is one that actually got my curiosity. Through the whole movie I kept wondering if "Frank" the bunny was some sort o weird artistic statement, a hallucination, or....? And why was he so freaky? Frank wasn't a cute and fluffy bunny, he was downright terrifying...

the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies

The Critters Bunny

I have to admit the Easter Bunny in critters did psychological damage to me when at the age of four I saw it being violently eaten by these little monsters. I remember I never liked opening the closet, the lids of pans, or walking through dark places after that movie and the Easter Bunny was what really took it home. Those little bastards ate the Easter Bunny! They must be some sort of new super evil. Then again this might be why I have no actual memories of taking photos with the Easter Bunny or going on egg hunts... or really anything Easter Bunny related. Maybe I knew the truth. He's dead - and the critters ate him.

the-worlds-best-scary-bunnies

Squint the Ice Age Bunny

I can only imagine the glee that the animators of Ice Age: Continental Drift must have felt when they read the script for the first time. "Wait! We get to animate creature pirates?? Can one be a bunny?! One HAS to be a bunny!" I have no idea why anyone thought bunnies would make good pirates but Squint does a damned good job at it! He's feisty, energetic, some might even say totally psychotic. And what's better is his dashingly bad looks. With tufty eyebrows, sharpened buck teeth, and gnarled unkempt hair this bunny has a face even a mother couldn't love. I can see the pride in his design, perhaps a little too much. I think I may have jumped the first time I saw his terrifying little face. I may have heard a voice in my head screaming, "Dear god! Why is this on a children's movie?!" And then I saw another character in the background that seemed to be the ungodly mix of a kangaroos body with the head of zombie rabbit. Still have no idea what or who that was but both these horrifying creatures can be seen as peripheral characters bouncing in and out of Captain Gutt's big singing scene below.

David Lynch's Rabbits

Never have six foot tall anthropomorphic bunnies been soooo... depressing, as in David Lynch's play Rabbits. Besides being depressing they're also creepy. In fact they are so unnerving that avaunt guard psychologists are using them to make test subjects uncomfortable. I tried watching the whole thing but the music sounds like a constipated elephant and when the bunnies start wailing and caterwauling... well, I just felt like I was being a pervvy voyeur watching something from an alien planet. Besides, for being a "live performance" these bunnies seemed remarkably... not life-like. My attention span cannot hold that long! And yet, these are still by far the creepiest bunnies I have found so far.

Etsy Bunnies

Apparently the artistically inclined love scary bunnies. In fact they make them all the time for sale and if you're as weird as me all you have to do is occasionally swing by and type in "scary bunny" in the search box to see what I mean. I've seen some real doozies but sadly didn't save the photos... but here's the creepiest one I found today.

This is no Velveteen Rabbit that's for sure!

This is no Velveteen Rabbit that's for sure!

The Book of Bunny Suicides - coming to a coffee table near you.

The Book of Bunny Suicides - coming to a coffee table near you.

The End of Bunny

Maybe you'd like to see the scary bunnies volunteer to off themselves. We can almost grant that wish, the only catch would be these bunnies aren't scary at all - they're cute, fluffy, and ever so clever. In fact they're super serious about finding new and clever ways to end it all. They provide us all with a wonderfully perverse sense of entertainment. Heck, leave a copy of The Book of Bunny Suicides on your coffee table and you're practically endorsing bunny snuff comics. PETA is so going to hate you!

If you enjoyed this article you may also like others by Theophanes:

History of the Egglaying Easter Bunny

Songs You Shouldn't Play at a Funeral

Sarcastic Answers for Your Doctor's Stupid Questions

Great Movies to Watch to Scar Your Children for Life

Killer Tampons - Society's Least Suspected Weapons of Womanly Destruction

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Tales from the Birdello - For all homesteading and farming matters

Deranged Thoughts from a Cluttered Mind - For funny personal anecdotes

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Comments

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on May 07, 2013:

Thank you Fossillady. Me too. :)

Kathi from Saugatuck Michigan on May 06, 2013:

Very funny, I was scared looking the bunny photos . . . lol Voted +

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on May 03, 2013:

No problem. I've actually never seen a mall bunny... There's not really malls in the boonies. This is news to me. I was unable to find the photo of the bunny made out of bright red long johns with arms for ears. That was probably for the best... no one needs to see that!

I had a Monty Python bunny once... did just that to a stranger who came into the house. He was an awesome bunny. Probably was a guard dog in a previous life. And I am happy someone appreciates the strange directions my mind goes in at night. :p

I suppose I should go be productive now and at least measure out where I want the new chicken run to go. I added four new hens and all of a sudden everyone is plucking each other bald. Will just have to give them a bigger run to appease the beasties. SIGH. Slave to to the chickens.

Cat from New York on May 03, 2013:

Goodness gracious! "Where... behind the rabbit?" I don't know if this is more funny or more disturbing. :-) I never understood why some kids cried around those "mall bunnies" but maybe I was sheltered. I think I'm going to try to keep this from my kids, you know, keep the magic alive. I actually read this last night but was to incoherent to respond... so I watched all the clips again today. I think that Monty Python's gotta be my favorite! This is awesome! Thanks for bringing the weird stuff that no one else thinks of!

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on May 03, 2013:

That bad? Brandishing a meat cleaver were you? :)

Martin Kloess from San Francisco on May 02, 2013:

I wish I could get you a picture of me as the Easter bunny

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on May 02, 2013:

Why thank you prettynutjob30. I honestly don't know why we all don't cry and scream when we see Mr Scary Bunny. I might next time... see if it throws him off. ;)

Mary from From the land of Chocolate Chips,and all other things sweet. on May 02, 2013:

I love this hub and I also love the dead doll bunny, very, pleasingly, twisted. I remember the first time my niece meet Mr. Scary the bunny, he looked creepy and she screamed bloody, horror. That bunny made me shake a little, he kind of resembled that bunny you see in all those indie films. Voted up, more and shared, this was a very entertaining read.

Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on May 02, 2013:

Ha, I never watched Buffy but that is pretty funny. I should find out if there is a word for phobia of bunnies. There is for chickens, alektorophobia , why not bunnies?

Elizabeth from The US of A, but I'm Open to Suggestions on May 02, 2013:

voted up and funny. This hub automatically makes me think of the series Buffy the Vampire slayer, with one of the demons Anya being terrified of Bunnies. Great hub.