My Cat Persephone Wrote this Review on her Smartphone. It was better than Mine. .
Like that mediocre Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel-boot released earlier from a streaming service you’ve borrowed from an aunt that’s been dead since 2017, the new horror movie The Seed shows the consequences of influencers being allowed to live and breathe and eat when they should have been killed 2 minutes into the movie.
Granted, if you actually watch The Seed all the way through there are numerous times the movie could have ended if the characters weren’t on autopilot. Then again, if the characters had some degree of intelligence, then we wouldn’t have a movie. If we didn’t have The Seed, then we’d have only countless other choices on numerous other streaming services available.
Meaning there will be a theater shooting in 3…2…1
It really makes you pink.
The Seed opens with three white girls going to a very nice house in Arizona (I think). It’s the open desert with nothing but miles and miles of sand. As stated more than once in the first 15 minutes, there’s no one around for miles.
They’re there because a giant meteor shower is approaching that night. The night sky looks so great when seen through your phones,
Let’s meet these three white girls so we can learn their names since two of them are practically the same character-
- Deidre (Lucy Martin)- Deidre is the Alpha B of the group and the one with the most followers. She craves likes and is the main one-dimensional Mean Girl of the bunch. If she were a Heather she’d be Heather Chandler.
- Heather (Sophie Vavasseur)- Her name is actually, um, Heather and it’s her father’s house they’re staying at. Heather is a less mean version of Deidre. If she were a Heather in the exponentially better movie named Heathers, then Heather would be Heather Duke.
- Maybe you should just go watch Heathers instead of considering The Seed. You’d have a much better time because that’s what I was thinking for 85 minutes of this 90 minute movie.
- Charlotte (Chelsea “Razor’s” Edge)- She’s the only brunette(!), the only one without social media (no!), and the one with the oldest phone (w…t…f). And she has the lowest paying job. This is the 2020s way of saying she’s a virgin even if she’s really not. But since she’s the straightest edge(!) in this gaggle of future Karens, you can bet Charlotte will be alive by the end of the movie.
Deidre plans to livestream the meteor shower because her sponsors pay her to post almost every moment of her life. You’re not Insta-famous forever so ride it out while you can. Before the shower, the three of them decide to get f*cked up.
Like, really f*cked up and not white girl wasted.
Unfortunately, Deidre can’t really livestream the shower because there’s something hinky going on with the signal.
If you can’t post it online, did it ever really happen?
Before they call the night a total loss, something falls from the sky into the pool. It looks like a viscous pod, definitely not local. It reeks of something awful and looks too heavy and gross for the girls to move it themselves. They decide to sleep on it. In the morning everything will be better. But there’s no morning-after pill for a bad movie.
The next morning, the pod is still there.
Out of the pod, there’s a creature of some kind. It’s not any animal they’ve ever seen before. They want to get rid of it but none of them want to touch it. Maybe it will go away.
It won’t. Because you need a character to do something really stupid in order to move the story forward, Charlotte brings the creature into the house because it’s “crying” and Charlotte wants to comfort it.
I would have guessed either Heather or Deidre to enact Idiot Plot, but I would have been wrong. Charlotte will probably regret moving the creepy looking alien thing into the house if she lives long enough. If they all live long enough.
What Works With The Seed
- By default, the best performance goes to Chelsea Edge because she’s the only one given a character with any kind of dimension. Charlotte is the only character in the movie you kind of don’t want to die. In a movie with only 3 characters, that’s not great.
What Doesn’t Work With The Seed
- Writer/director Sam Walker borrows from Night of the Creeps and Slither, only serving to remind you how much better those other two movies are. You might laugh once, but you’re never really scared.
- A movie with a 90-minute running time feels longer than the 3-hour The Batman. Mostly because nothing really goes on until there’s ____ minutes left in the movie. The Seed is mostly expository dialogue for the first two acts, so much so that it forgets to be a horror movie. Mostly setup, barely any payoff.
This Seed is best left unplanted. With “scares” you can see coming from at least 15 minutes away and characters you could care less about, The Seed numbs you into enduring its hour and a half runtime. The mercy is that you’ll forget about it as soon as it’s over.
Buy the Seed Here!
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© 2022 Noel Penaflor