This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
Eric Forestier, Christian Volckman, and Sabrina B. Karine
That title though…
Please don’t start throwing utensils at this review. For a good portion of the moviegoing audience, and by moviegoing, I mean movie watching in your house because that’s all we’ve been doing for the past couple of weeks, The Room is the title of an awful but eminently quotable movie from 2003 that your hipster friends know by heart. James Franco’s best movie The Disaster Artist is based in its making and it almost goes without saying that if you’ve seen it, it’s not a movie you’d soon forget, even if it’s pretty terrible.
2019’s version of The Room is a very good horror movie you can watch from the comfort from your favorite room. It’s not as quotable, but it is scarier, the acting is better, and the accents are a lot more decipherable.
That’s so very. Saying the quote everyone who’s seen The Room for the first time says. How novel. Are you done yet? Or are you going to say something like “Oh Hi Mark!?”
I just want to cough on you right now.
You're Tearing Apart This Synopsis
The Room opens with the credits in some strange order so you know it’s not an American movie. It’s supposedly takes place in New York, but it’s a New York that looks an awful lot like a foreign country trying to look like New York. We’re buying it because it’s not the strangest thing that happens.
We meet Kate (Olga Kurylenko) and Matt (Kevin Janssens- so many ‘s’es). They just bought this new house they’re driving to at the beginning of the movie but after the weird opening credits. They’re singing a song together in the car so you know something is really wrong. No real couple sings a song like this in real life.
Kate and Matt’s new house is “in the middle of nowhere”. That’s always a good sign and in no way menacing.
What do we know about Matt and Kate other than they just bought a house in “upstate New York” and will be completely f*cked in a couple of minutes of screentime? Well, Kate has a promising career as an interpreter and Matt is a painter.
We’re guessing Kate makes all of the money and Matt drinks a lot.
They seem like the perfect couple who have moved into the perfect house and nothing terrible will happen.
The audience is forced to watch an unpacking montage. During the next 3 minutes feel free to stretch your legs. Though Kate and Matt make unpacking look like so much fun.
While making his way around the house Matt finds a dead bird in the pantry. If you read my review of Vivarium, you know that a dead bird shown within the first 10 minutes of a movie is never bad and only positive things will happen to our main characters.
Matt finds a door with a sigil that looks a lot like a keyhole. During the unpacking montage Matt found something that might be the key.
Before you can say “Don’t go in there, overly trusting white person with the European accent”, Matt has opened the door which leads to…the room.
There are loads of loose wiring all over the room. It looks dangerous. Matt calls an electrician to find out what can be done.
Electrician with an overly-forced American accent is surprised that someone is living in the Springwell house again. With a name like Springwell, how could anything harmful possibly happen?
Expository electrician tells Matt that a couple was murdered in this house and that Springwell has the nickname “House of Blood”, which is a name that pops a lot more than Springwell.
You’d think that Matt and Kate’s real estate agent would have disclosed something like a double murder and a cool nickname like “House of Blood.” Oh well, they’re living here now. What could possibly go wrong? And they’ve got all their money tied up in it so they can’t move anyway.
Since Matt is an artist, it goes without saying he has a drinking problem. He mutters under his breath that he wished he had some alcohol.
The lights in the room flicker, and moments later there’s a bottle of alcohol.
Matt takes the bottle and drinks it. All of life’s problems are solved.
He wishes for other things. They appear.
Matt tells Kate to come into the room. He recounts what happens. She says that kind of thing only happens in horror movies. She asks for a thousand dollars. It appears. Kate asks for more.
There’s a pattern starting to form.
So much so that we have not one, but TWO wishing montages. Matt and Kate are now richer than they ever thought possible thanks to this random room in the House of Blood. There will no strings attached and Matt and Kate will enjoy their wealth in their new house with so difficulties whatsoever as they party like frat boys. Montages for everyone!
It turns out Matt and Kate having been trying to start a family for a while. Kate has lost two babies and is a bit gun shy about trying again.
Yes, they do.
Kate wishes for a baby…from the room…in the house of blood…where a couple was killed.
The lights in the room flicker. Moments later, Kate can hear a baby crying. Two’s great, but three’s a crowd.
Matt is more than a little reluctant about the wish baby but Kate don’t care. She’ll take care of the room baby and everything will turn out fine.
White people, amirite?
What Works With The Room
- You might be able to see some of the effed up twists coming, you might not, but they’re so well-executed that even the ones you’re able to predict will punch you on the gut. The synopsis only runs until the first 20 minutes or so. The less you know going into it, the better. Ewww…and double ewww.
- A shot of snow has rarely looked so beautiful and ominous at the same time.
- Not since Avengers Infinity War has ash gotten such a visceral reaction.
What Doesn’t Work With The Room 2019
- Again, that title. I actually looked it up and found that the production was from France, Belgium and Luxembourg so there is a chance the filmmakers were not as aware of the awful cult movie with the same name. You’d think the American distributors would have wanted to change so as not to add unneeded baggage to a very good horror movie. Maybe call it House of Blood or Don’t Wish For A Baby In A House Where A Couple Was Brutally Murdered.
Oh well, at least they don’t have breast cancer…
Since you’re cooped up in a room, you might as well watch The Room. It’s a highly effective chill—
Oh hi Mark!!!