This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
By the time you read this, I have already left your dining room table and enjoyed the plate of spaghetti you originally made for Brad Pitt as he was coming over to your house to specifically try your spaghetti because he heard many great things about it. He braved flying commercial. Even though he wore a mask he’s pretty recognizable because he’s Brad f*cking Pitt.
He took a Lyft or an Uber or a horse and buggy to your house and deliberately skipped meals since he won his Oscar back in February because he heard about the way you mix your oregano and spices and butter and baker’s chocolate in every sumptuous bite.
But Brad Pitt is out of luck because I was hungry and I ate his entire plate. He risked getting a disease and flew all this way for naught.
The legends are true. Your spaghetti is as good as advertised. Brad Pitt would have really enjoyed his meal and thought the cross-Atlantic interstellar trip would have been worth it.
Oh yeah. There are some crazy white ladies along this part town and they’ve been known to attack movie stars.
_______ (Your name here) already prepared your plate but I got here right as you were being attacked by those crazy white ladies and ate it. It was so good.
You mean, Leonardo DiCaprio, your costar in Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time in Hollywood? That Leonardo DiCaprio? You can tell him that even though he’s vegetarian he would have enjoyed the meatballs and the sauce. They were made by Karen tears and sprigs of parsley.
Well, Brad Pitt. You can feast your ears on this review of the 2019 horror anthology film The Mortuary Collection. After you read/listen to it, if you’re still whining like a little b*tch about being hungry, then _____ (Your Name Here) will be more than happy to fix you another plate of spaghetti. How does that sound?
Then STFU and listen to my review.
Our movie begins in the sleepy Halloween town of Raven’s End.
We’re following a young Asian boy (Short Round) on a bike through the leafy roads.
Where is this young Asian boy going?
Normally, you’d be right, but not today.
Today he’s riding to the local mortuary to drop something off. We’re right in the middle of a funeral of a young (non-Asian) boy and the mortuary’s proprietor Montgomery Dark (Clancy Brown- The Shawshank Redemption, Promising Young Woman) is giving an unusually peppy eulogy considering it’s the funeral of a little boy.
The funeral ends.
Short Round drops what he needs to drop off.
Mr. Dark sees that everyone has left.
Except a young woman. We’ll call her Sam (Caitlin Custer). She saw the ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the front and is looking for a job. She makes it clear up front that she is not into defiling corpses in that way.
Mr. Dark spouts some hooey about how life is like a box of stories and you never know what you’re going to get. He tells Sam that this mortuary has housed a lot of dead bodies and those bodies are filled with countless stories.
You know, like…
- The one about Emma (Christine Kilmer). She’s spent most of her life taking advantage of lonely men and then stealing their money. But tonight, at this lavish party filled with rich targets, she’s going to realize there’s a price to pay for such greed and she just might pay---
Lucky guess, Brad Pitt.
The next story is about…
- A woke frat boy named Jake (Jacob Elordi) in a rather progressive college campus sometime in the 60s. He’s part of a fraternity that espouses sexual freedom and gives away free prophylactics. Jake meets a mousy girl named Sandra (Ema Horvath) and they hit it off. Sandra seems virginal and Jake has a reputation as a player, but Jake will soon learn that things aren’t always what they seem.
Dark and Sam continue the tour of the mortuary and stop at a corpse. Dark tells Sam that every dead body tells a story and proceeds to tell the story of what happened to this particular dead woman…
- Wendell (Barak Hardley) and his wife Carol (Sarah Hay, Braid) have been together for a while. Except Carol hasn’t been able to feed herself or talk for years. Wendell loved Carol once, but constantly having to feed and care for her is wearing him down. Their family doctor offers Wendell some untraceable pills that could finally put Carol out her misery. Wendell strongly considers the offer, but the consequences could be more than he can endure.
We’re almost done, Brad Pitt. Have some patience.
To bring the interview to a close, Sam has a story of her own. She’s been nodding and listening to Mr. Dark this whole time, but now it’s her turn to contribute.
But her story may not be good for anyone, even herself….
Wait until I tell you what works and doesn’t work Brad Pitt. Did you just eat 6 more of your fingers?
What Works With The Mortuary Collection
- Caitlin Custer gives the best performance of the movie as the meek but constantly curious Sam. There are parts of the performance that remind you of Samara Weaving in Ready or Not. Whether you’re ready or not, most of the film’s surprises come from Caitlin Custer.
- The final story is the best of the bunch. The previous three are passable, but they’re…more on that later. You were having an okay time for about an hour, but if you’re patient you will be rewarded.
- The mortuary itself is a wonderfully dark, no pun intended, piece of work. Even when some of the stories don’t hold your interest, it’s always fun to take the tour with Dark and Sam. You’re bound to find something worth seeing.
You just hang out in mortuaries? And nobody recognizes you?
What Doesn’t Work With The Mortuary Collection
- “All of your stories are a bit predictable,” a character says during the movie and the audience can’t help but agree. If that’s writer/director Ryan Spindell’s setup for the audience, then it’s a fairly good one. It’s more than worth it to sit through 3 okay stories for the 1 good/great one. You’re still having a good time with them even though you can tell what’s going to happen.
Add this Mortuary to your collection as you’ll have a reasonably fun time. Probably the best time you’ve ever had in a mortuary.
Yeah, that didn’t work out. You’d better read the epilogue to find out what happened.
Brad Pitt eventually ate his entire arm off and then proceeded to eat his little legs. _______(Your Name Here) asked his permission to ground up the rest of his body and put the remains in another plate of spaghetti. That plate was shared by ______(Your Name Here) and Leonardo DiCaprio. Leonardo DiCaprio said it was the best spaghetti he ever had.