This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
Jeffrey A. Brown
Jeffrey A. Brown
If you’re reading this, then you’re okay. We saw you hanging out of the side of your car. We asked what you were doing and you don’t even remember leaving the house. This happened before and your clothes ended up all bloody but that was okay because most of it wasn’t yours.
This isn’t the first or second time you ended up in someone else’s driveway.
Maybe you know this individual, maybe you don’t. No matter what your relationship is to this particular person, place or animal, chances are that if you leave your house for whatever reason you will end up dead or at least wanting to die.
That’s what writer/director Jeffrey A. Brown suggests in his new environmental horror movie The Beach House.
That’s all I was talking about as well. The movie, having absolutely nothing to do with real life.
Summary Aka: Sum of a Beach
There’s something coming up from the bottom of the ocean. Something bubbly. Something gooey. It’s probably nothing.
The Beach House opens with our friends Randall (Noah Le Gros, considering this movie will get kind of le gross) and Emily (the awesomely alliterated Liana Liberato) entering their dad’s empty beach house. They’re a brother and sister duo just looking to get away from it all during the summer and they know dad’s left the beach house deserted.
They proceed to unpack and then have intercourse…
Emily and Randall are boyfriend and girlfriend and they’re just staying at Randall’s dad’s beach house for a couple of weeks. Emily wants to go to grad school and Randall wants to just keep living without any agenda. They proceed to have intercourse because that’s perfectly okay when you’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
That first part was my mistake. They just look so much alike I assumed they were related.
Randall wants Emily to move in with him and live in the beach house year round.
Emily reiterates how much she wants to go to grad school and become a microbiologist.
There’s tension between them but at least they’re not related.
Emily goes downstairs when she realizes there’s someone down there was well. It’s a woman. An older white woman. Is it a Karen?
It’s a Jane (Maryann “Eats a Bagel” Nagel). And her husband Mitch (Jake “From State Farm” Weber) Turner. It turns out that the Turners are friends with Randall’s dad and they had arranged to use the beach house for the weekend.
The Turners remember Randall when he was a child but they had no idea he had a sister and they look so much alike.
Randall and Emily explain to the Turners that they are not brother and sister even though they look alike. They frequently have intercourse with nary a Game of Thrones vibe.
Emily thinks this is awkward and suggests she and Randall go to a hotel.
Mitch will have nothing of it. They will share the beach house and make the best of it. There’s more than enough room for everybody.
Emily notices that Jane seems out of it a lot of the time. Emily surmises that the dozen medications in the bathroom cabinet are hers.
They have dinner and Emily manages to drop about 5 pages worth of exposition about how she wants to go to grad school and finish her PHD in micro biology. What does this have to do with anything? She might as well talk about how she loves to brew her own beer.
Randall suggests they do some edibles. A montage set to Ziggy Marley ensues.
After everyone’s exposition’d and edible’d out, they go outside because it looks so beautiful this time of night. There’s a lavender haze over the entire beach. Emily notices a strong stench coming from the ocean, as well as a quickly developing fog.
With her meds and her edibles mixing nicely (and by “nicely” I mean not well at all), Jane decides to go out to the ocean. This will turn out fine.
It’s been a while since Jane left. Mitch leaves the house to go after her. Jane’s been known to wander off and pick up hitchhikers and eat their fingers when her meds mix the wrong way.
Emily and Randall go to bed, hoping things turn out better in the morning. The smell keeps getting worse and Emily has noticed something, um, gooey along the sand and on the walkway.
Emily looks at Jane. Jane is looking even more f*cked up than usual.
And now Jake is missing.
But it probably has nothing to do with the purple fog that’s been coming in steadily from the beach. Or that smell. Or that squishy sound. Or those things you really shouldn’t be seeing at a beach on Earth.
What Works With The Beach House
- Writer/director Jeffrey A. Brown does an excellent job of progressively building dread in the most well-lit and mundane of settings. The beach is beautiful, but if you pay attention to the edges of the frames you know that things will/are getting a lot worse. This day at the beach is no day at the beach.
- Multiple money shots of what you paid your ticket to see. Most of The Beach House is steadily building horror, and those patient viewers will be justly, I mean, juicily rewarded.
- Maryann Nagel gives the best performance of the movie as the veg’d out Jane. She barely has any lines, but everything she says is pretty off-putting. You think things can’t get much worse for Jane. You’d be wrong.
What Doesn’t Work With The Beach House
- As mentioned before, there’s a first act exposition dump that’s really poorly handled. Just blocks of dialogue with nothing to break it up visually. You feel like you should be taking notes or getting a snack.
A character says, “Don’t be afraid”. You should be, because The Beach House is one of the better horror movies of the year. Life’s a beach and then you die first…if you’re lucky.
4 Slow Burn Stars
Buy The Beach House Here!
Noel Penaflor (author) from California on July 23, 2020:
It is interesting.
Rose McCoy on July 23, 2020:
This movie sounds interesting.... lol!