My Cat Persephone Wrote this Review on her Smartphone. It was better than Mine. .
Ludovic Boukherma and Zoran Boukherma
Ludovic Boukherma and Zoran Boukherma
The French Werewolf movie Teddy presumes you have never seen a werewolf movie. If you haven’t, you’re in for a couple of big surprises, presumably involving French werewolves.
But if you’ve seen more than 1 werewolf move in your life, possibly Werewolves Within most recently, then you’d be better off just watching Werewolves Within again. Why? Because even though you’ve seen it before, it’s still less predictable than this generic werewolf movie, even if you think it’s all fancy and cultured because you’re forced to read French subtitles.
Where are the toilets, you might ask? Presumably where they picked up this script and movie.
Teddy opens with an elderly French woman getting killed by some kind of beast. We don’t see what it is, but it looks very hairy.
Darn. That was supposed to be a surprise to people who can’t read or are blind.
Teddy opens (again) with a ceremony honoring French soldiers for doing something honorable. Elderly people wear uniforms and sing the French national anthem and people clap.
Except for Teddy (Anthony Bajon). He’s a twentysomething d*ck who thinks it’s fun to interrupt the ceremony with nonsensical gibberish because he has nothing better to do. If the first scene in any movie introducing your main character shows him as a D-bag, then you’d better give him some kind of redemptive arc before the movie ends.
But that only happens in good movies.
Teddy can’t possibly be as bad as I’m making him out to be, can he?
He’s an orphan that feeds his paraplegic aunt and lives with someone I assume is his uncle. He also works as a massage therapist with a boss that sexually harasses him all the time. But Teddy does have a girlfriend Rebecca (Christine Gautier) that he loves very much. She’s about to graduate the French equivalent of college and Teddy is spinning in circles.
At what time should be check out, you ask? If you’re a viewer with any discerning taste at all you should check out right now and just watch Werewolves Within again.
This town of bingo playing simpletons think there’s some kind of beast killing people.
They’re right, we’re going to have to wait awhile before they pick up their torches and gather round in groups.
After another exhausting day at work, Teddy thinks he sees something lurking after him. He’s right. It’s not long before the giant hairy creature is bearing down on him. He blacks out before you can see anything but it’s not too difficult to discern what’s happened because you’ve seen movies before.
The next day Teddy wakes up naked in the street. He doesn’t know where his clothes are, but he feels refreshed and alive.
Teddy goes home and his Uncle Juan…
I know his uncle really isn’t named Juan but I’ll call him Juan because I don’t feel like looking up this character’s name because this movie isn’t worth it.
Uncle Juan (Ryan Reynolds…or a French actor) has been listening to the news and knows there’s a beast on the loose that’s been killing old people and taking people’s clothes and leaving said people naked on the street.
Uncle Juan asks Teddy what happened to him and what happened to his clothes. Teddy says he got jumped by a gang of clothes-stealing thugs.
Teddy retracts his statement to Uncle Juan. He says he has no idea what happened, only that he woke up naked and bloody.
And that he has never felt this great in his life.
Teddy’s body is going through changes. Changes he’s not prepared for. For when the moon becomes full, will Teddy be ready?
Because he’ll become a werewolf. It’s only on the onesheet and in the trailer.
You can’t cancel your reservation. It’s too late for that.
It’s also too late if you were expecting/hoping this movie to be decent.
What Works With Teddy
- Its title is just one word because it would be even more life draining if a bad movie like this had an unusually long name.
- A scene on a stairwell is the only time you’re surprised during Teddy. Maybe even moved. You’ve been watching Teddy pretty much bored to tears. This scene makes you feel something other than apathy.
What Doesn’t Work With Teddy
- I’ve written countless times before (actually 3 times if you’re actually counting) about how I don’t necessarily need all the characters in any movie to be likeable all the time for me to empathize with him/her, but Teddy as a character is such a f*cking d*ck that I hoped more than once he’d die quickly so I wouldn’t have to watch the movie anymore of the French mob would string him up and burn him. Anything to end the movie quickly. It’s not Anthony Bajon’s fault he’s playing such a horrible character, but at no time did I care about what was happening to him with anything but enmity.
- Mislabeled as a horror movie, mostly because it’s not scary at all, Teddy is more of a coming-of-age dramedy. It should have been labeled as Not-A-Good movie.
- It takes about 40 minutes before anything of note happens. If purporting to be a werewolf movie, you might want to actually have some hint of a werewolf rather than spend most of the first 2 acts with Teddy.
- Chekhov’s gun. Or rather Chekhov’s werewolf. If you introduce a gun in the first act…
Teddy is one werewolf movie you could do without, so just see Werewolves Within. Je ne parle pas français.