I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!
Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild
If it was ever a question, Ted 2 will not disappoint fans of the original Ted, as there’s barely a 20% drop-off in laughs, well above the average for your standard comedy sequel. Those of you wanting weed, sex, and fecal references will more than get your fill.
Those of you wanting an unusual amount of black and gay jokes will get those as well. If you’re offended, what are you doing considering Ted 2 anyway? I’m more taken aback that Mark Wahlberg feels the need to appear in a film every couple of weeks and only 1 in 6 are actually decent (if you’re keeping track, Ted is among the keepers, everything else- you’ve already skipped). If this track record continues, Marky Mark can change his name to Nicolas Cage. No good vibrations.
It seems almost pointless to delve into “plot” (written by Seth MacFarlane and 2 other writers whose names aren‘t important) since the story itself is just a hook for Ted and his immature friend John to say “f*ck” a lot and smoke creatively named strains of weed. You have to admire the attempt at an original story instead of regurgitating the same jokes over and over and over with diminishing returns (see: those flaccid Hangover sequels). It would be like whining about plot during Jurassic World.
The story, as such…
Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane, wisely staying behind the camera after A Million Ways To Die In The West) and white trash Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth) are married.
Man-child John (Mark Wahlberg) and Lori (Mila Kunis) are divorced. Partly because Mila Kunis was pregnant. Post-baby, Kunis did the idiotic Jupiter Ascending. At least she has a baby.
Chapter skip months later as Tami and Ted’s marriage is pretty rocky, so one of Ted’s sassy co-workers suggest they have a baby because as everyone knows, if you’re having problems with your marriage, having a baby will totally make everything better.
Tami and Ted can’t conceive because Ted doesn’t have genitals.
Tami and Ted try to adopt but get rejected because they both have priors regarding drugs and lewd behavior. Ted can’t adopt because he’s technically not a person, but it’s okay for Kim Kardashian to crop her daughter out of selfies. A number of red flags are brought up as a result of the adoption attempt, and Ted loses his cashier job, as well as his rights, since he’s technically just a stuffed toy.
Or is he?
Not since Ex Machina and AI: Artificial Intelligence has such a stirring story of what it means to be human taken place. It will have you thinking and having long and passionate discussions after the movie about the issues it dares to tackle. Can a movie do so much in just under 2 hours? Yes! Is that movie Ted 2? For this week…sure. Why not?
The other movie opening this week is Max, and I’m fairly sure the dog gets shot by the end of it or eaten at the end of the Chinese version, and nobody wants to see that. See Ted 2 and laugh about 30% less than you did at the original Ted, or wait about 10 days before Mark Wahlberg comes out with another movie, but I’m guessing it won’t have as many references to huge black members.
Comparably, there are still less black d*ck references in Ted 2 than there are in Inside Out.
What Works With Ted 2
- Amanda Seyfried does a serviceable job filling in for Mila Kunis, and, as she did in A Million Ways To Die, is more than willing to make fun or herself as Seth MacFarlane seems to take pleasure in taking verbal shots at her dinner-plate eyes.
- Not sure if it’s a good thing that the best sequence in the movie takes place in its first act, as Ted and John try to get sperm. Includes a priceless cameo from Super Bowl MVP/Football deflater Tom Brady.
- Finally all people can marry. You feel bad for that one Jewish Gay guy whose mom is going to lay a massive guilt trip as now there’s no excuse.
- A very big star buys some cereal- in retrospect, it’s the funniest scene in the film even though there’s no real place for it within the structure of the movie. Doesn’t really matter, as it might be the funniest scene of the summer so far.
What Doesn’t Work With Ted 2
- The climax to Ted 2 is much too similar to the original Ted, right down to that song you thought died in the 80s.
- The unsubtle references to Transformers, as the movie feels the need to remind you that Mark Wahlberg was in the worst Transformers movie on record so far, which to some is really saying something
At mere 35% drop-off in laughs from the original Ted, Ted 2 is a perfectly adequate comedy sequel and the better one to see in the battle of the furry creatures this weekend.