Updated date:

Techniques for Picking Up Girls

techniques-for-picking-up-girls

HOT Topic

How to pick up girls is a hot topic on the Internet. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Google "pick up girls" and you get over four-and-a-half million results! Haven't you idiots got anything better to do with your time? Well, clearly (and hormonally), no you don't. Nothing is more impo'tent to you than picking up a girl. Well then, so be it. Here are some techniques that will help you do it without injuring your bad self.

Number One

Keep your back straight. Good posture is really the unspoken double secret key to picking up girls. Anyone who's been on the dating scene for any length of time knows that wimmen value a stand-up kinda guy above all else. So don't come slouching over like a schlep. Be erect. Erectness is vital. Remember that and you've won half the battle.

Number Two

Relax. Girls don't want it to be over quick. They want to be picked up slow and they want it to last until they are ready for it to be over. They want to feel your strength in your control over your own body, not in your speed or your ability to exert force. So when you feel yourself getting all rigid, let those knees relax. That's right, the key to pleasing a girl is letting your knees bend. Simple, isn't it?

Step 1

Step 1

Step 2

Step 2

Technique A

I call this one the "Piggy Style" pickup, and it really emphasizes what I am trying to come across with here. Just tell her you want to do it piggy style. All girls know what that means. Trust me.

In the illustrations at right you see the step-by-step directions for a deeply satisfying pickup experience. How deeply? Well, that, bucko, would depend on you.

  1. Squat down. like in the first picture, and let the pretty young thing climb on board. Your knees are bent so you are super-relaxed, and though you are bent at the waist, your shoulders are back and your erectness is happening in your spine.
  2. Place one hand under each of her lovely thighs, straighten your legs, and bingo! The girl done been picked up!

Now you are her trusty steed and she can ride you where she wants so desperately to go!

techniques-for-picking-up-girls

Technique B

I call this one, "The Sweep." That's right, you're gonna sweep her off her feet. This one is classic and sure to please.

First, of course, bend your knees. Then keep your back straight as you bend and place your hand behind her knees, your other hand behind the small of her back, straighten your knees and lift! She done been picked up again!

Since this is the position one assumes to carry a bride over the threshold into the honeymoon suite to meet her fate, this is the most romantic of all pickups. Use it only if you are serious, and be sure to remember to stay erect the entire time. You don't want to hurt your back.

Step 1

Step 1

Step 2

Step 2

Step 3

Step 3

Step 4

Step 4

Step 5

Step 5

Technique C

This technique is more advanced and you definitely want to try some easier ones before you try it. If you have back problems, this technique is not for you.

In the "Sack O' Potatoes" technique, as I call it, erectness is absolutely compulsory. If you do not keep your back straight while attempting the Sack O' Potatoes, you will hurt yourself. Therefore you must remain erect before, during, and after the pickup. Stamina is very much a requirement here.

Also you must be extremely gentle for an extended period of time, so do not attempt it if you are over-excited. If you do, your erectness will fail and injury to more than your pride is extremely likely.

The chief difficulty the less experienced encounter is the need to exert as litte force as possible when initiating the lift. Too much force and you will knock the wind out of your partner; too little force and you may have an erectness problem as I mentioned before.

Yet if you are successful, your prize will be displayed on your shoulder for all the other Neanderthals to see. Girls love this kind of primitive display, so primal and ape-like. Trust me. Be sure to walk around and show off your prize to everyone around.

"Look what I got, ha ha."

She'll LOVE you for it.

Once you have lifted the girl to the place of honor, undignified though it may be, it is quite easy at that point to simply walk off with her to some romantic spot. That's right. She done been picked up!

Oh, and if you see a police officer, be sure and show them as well. They love a good laugh.

techniques-for-picking-up-girls

Technique D

This is the sexiest of all pick ups. I call it the "Full Frontal", and you should only use it on girls you know really, really well because it requires a high degree of cooperation from the girl. Your mother or sister might be a good choice - well maybe not. At any rate, the girl effectively picks herself up by jumping onto your body and wrapping her legs around you.

The Full Frontal pickup technique is very good for beginners because it requires almost no experience and presents very little danger of injury to the picker-upper.

Relaxation is a nice addition, but not necessary. Erectness is usually not a problem. Nevertheless, be sure to remain erect until your partner has fully dismounted in order to avoid injury.

Caution

I cannot stress enough how important erectness and relaxation are to the pick up process. Serious emotional and even physical injury has resulted by guys trying to pick up girls the wrong way. You need to face the fact that you just cannot pick up any girl you feel like picking up. Sometimes it's just a bad idea, and sometimes it's just downright stupid.

Sometimes picking up a girl is just a bad idea.

Sometimes picking up a girl is just a bad idea.

Comments

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on October 25, 2010:

True. But be careful not to hurt your back!

deancortez044 from Las Vegas on October 24, 2010:

Look, the bottom line is, biology (or "human nature") will always be the driving force behind how attraction works. Women are hardwired to go for Alpha Males. This statement is as true today as it was 10,000 years ago. I don't care how much money a guy has, or how handsome he is -- if he doesn't project Alpha Male qualities and doesn't make women feel secure and protected, he's going to have a hard time holding onto a woman. Alpha Males give women that sense of emotional security that they crave. As long as you make women feel they're in the presence of an Alpha Male, trust me -- attracting women won't be a problem for you!

Paulipopo from Abuja, Nigeria on September 30, 2009:

i really love this hub very funny

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 10, 2009:

Those are great! I used to draw cartoons. I think I'm inspired to put some on my facebook page sometime. Cool!

sharrie69 from Trinidad (an island in the Caribbean) on April 10, 2009:

Maybe you'd like to see it from a woman's standpoint?

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=816370108&amp...

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 03, 2009:

I laughed and laughed while I wrote this, and laughed and laughed while I did the illustrations, and I still laugh when I read it. I tell ya, I don't amuse anyone more than I amuse me! Thanks for stopping by. Hope to see you around more.

Picking Up Girls on April 02, 2009:

Hahha yeah I thought of the same joke when I was writing my article, of course I didn't exactly take it in the same direction. I'm sure a lot of work went into the illustrations as well... it takes TIME to make silouettes like that!

Anyhow, good stuff, I'm glad someone else has a sense of humor.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on March 11, 2009:

Making someone smile is an excellent result. I'm glad you enjoyed!

charanjeet kaur from Delhi on March 11, 2009:

lol... you sure are a guy with a funny bone... your hubs are one of the interesting reads i found in my hubsurfing today. Had a hearty laugh, made me smile..

gr8 hub keep them coming..

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on March 10, 2009:

Ha, you picked this one to read first? That's so funny! That's one thing I definitely should have mentioned in this hub: never pick up anyone without their consent!!!

Rainbow Brite on March 10, 2009:

roflmao wow this is awesome! Just PLEASE dont ever try to pick me up, I'm terrified of being picked up!!!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on March 09, 2009:

Hmm, not sure what you mean. You don't like my original pictures? I don't care, I like them. You don't think picking up girls is interesting? Well, I have to agree with you there. I used to find it interesting, but nowadays, not so much. I am much more interested at my age in, say, oatmeal, for example.

madhu on March 09, 2009:

hai, it,s not so intrusting ,say it with orgional pictures

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 27, 2009:

That's good. You would not want him to hurt his back.

ReuVera from USA on February 27, 2009:

Actually, I am the one who is supposed to be picked :-) but I'll redirect instructions to my son, let him learn while it is not late.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 26, 2009:

I'm glad you like this hub, and I hope it saves you from future serious injury. All the best!

ReuVera from USA on February 26, 2009:

Applauses. Encore!

Thanks for making me laugh!

Pest from A couch, Ionia, MI on February 26, 2009:

Great Hub! i thought you were giving dating advice! I wrote one the other day as well after seeing all of the same "pick up " techniques on line and in my spam folder...

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 26, 2009:

I had the most fun making the drawings. I still think about it and laugh.

Glad you enjoyed, Blondepoet.

blondepoet from australia on February 26, 2009:

Haha I loved it. Wow those diagrams are really caveman style, they really made me laugh. Well done.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 26, 2009:

Glad you enjoyed. I'm telling you, the key to success at picking up girls is relaxed knees. No question about it.

orionsky60403 on February 26, 2009:

haha, lift with the knees, not the back!

Great post, very entertaining.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 06, 2009:

Thanks for stopping by, Fishskinfreak2008!

fishskinfreak2008 from Fremont CA on January 05, 2009:

Very interesting

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 05, 2009:

Glad to bring a chuckle. Thanks for stopping by!

Bruce Elkin from Victoria, BC Canada on January 05, 2009:

Too funny! Thanks.

Jim Batuyong from Anaheim, CA on January 05, 2009:

I'll take your advice Tom. You seem to be the expert on the subject. Thanks for the help. :)

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 05, 2009:

Spike, if you've got a bad back there's only one solution. Find a girl strong enough to pick up YOU!

Jim, that is a good point. If you are no longer the Mr. Happy that you once were due to years of service, picking up girls for flag and country and all that, there's no shame in that. I suggest you limit yourself to the Full Frontal method wherein you only pick up girls when already fully erect.

Be very careful: trying to pick up girls while only half erect could leave a person permanently bent.

Jim Batuyong from Anaheim, CA on January 04, 2009:

Well done sir! I absolutely loved this one. My kind of Hub. Very funny. A quick question for you though, what if you can't get fully erect due to years of picking up other girls? Is there any help for guys like me?

SpikeTheLobster from South Coast, UK on January 04, 2009:

lol, excellent. Any tips for someone with a bad back? ;)