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Streaming Services What If They Were People? What Kind of Person Would They Be (Satire)

Streaming services offer a wealth of high-quality content in many different genres. However, while many of them share similar content, it’s their original production that distinguishes them from each other. When we interact with a streaming service, it sometimes feel as though you’re dealing with people.

streaming-services-what-if-they-were-people-what-kind-of-person-would-they-be-satire

The first entry on the list is Paramount Plus.

Formerly known as CBS All Access, it was rebranded as Paramount Plus and got access to the complete Paramount video catalog to compete with other streaming services. Despite being a relative newcomer to the internet streaming scene, Paramount Plus owns the rights to a stunning number of classic television series.

Paramount Plus owns the Star Trek franchise, which is one of the most recognizable series in television history. For the past several years, Paramount has been actively expanding the Star Trek world with programs like Picard and Star Trek Discovery.

If Paramount Plus were a person, what kind of person would it be?
I believe Paramount Plus is a forty-something college dropout who was a standout quarterback in high school and is now experiencing a midlife crisis. He couldn’t keep down a permanent job and moved in with his parents, where he quickly began selling his mother’s prescription drugs to make some extra cash because his ex-wife sued him for unpaid child support.

He attempts to recapture his high school glory days whenever he can. He occasionally puts on his high school football gear, which is now four sizes too small, and goes to the local park to play flag football.

streaming-services-what-if-they-were-people-what-kind-of-person-would-they-be-satire

Next on the list is Hulu.

Hulu debuted in 2007, making it one of the more established streaming providers. It began as a less expensive alternative to Netflix. Hulu, which is owned by Disney, pioneered the commercial streaming model. It has the appearance and feel of broadcast television, but with far greater control. Hulu dupes you into paying them to watch advertising. Yes, you’re paying for commercials.

So, what type of person would Hulu be if they were a human?
Hulu is most likely a scam guy, one you’d see at a traffic light asking for money with a cardboard sign claiming he’s a military veteran, only for you to discover that the late-model BMW around the corner is actually his.

He also has a home, which he obtained by marrying a nice elderly woman who he persuaded to leave everything to him shortly before she unexpectedly died, thereby defrauding her children and grandchildren of their fortune. He’s a heavy gambler and finally lost most of his money.

With the IRS on his tail for money laundering and the lone-sharks threatening to blow his knees out, he’s scouring dating sites and bingo halls for his next sugar granny.

streaming-services-what-if-they-were-people-what-kind-of-person-would-they-be-satire

Following that is Disney Plus.

Disney is the most recent corporation to enter the streaming market. At only a few years old, the Disney Plus website crashed on launch day due to too many subscribers attempting to log in all at once.

It became evident that the majority of Disney’s programming was aimed at a younger demographic, and in order to compete with streaming behemoth Netflix, the company packaged its subscriptions with Hulu and ESPN. However, Disney is increasing its adult viewership through original programming and is developing new series based on several of the adult-oriented intellectual properties it acquired from Marvel and Lucas Films.

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If Disney Plus was a person, who would it be?
Disney Plus, would be a suburban housewife named Karen who drives a minivan. She is a member of the homeowners’ association as well as the PTA’s president, and she arranges bake sales and cookie drives.

She’s a closeted racist, despite having an undocumented housekeeper named Manuela who has worked for the family for so long that the kids speak fluent Spanish, to the point where Karen’s daughter, Ashley, requested a fiesta de quince anos for her sixteenth birthday, complete with a mariachi band. Unbeknownst to everyone, Ashley intends to flee with the gardeners’ kid, Jorge.

Karen longs for intimacy from her husband, whom she fear is having an affair with Manuela. Karen begins a steamy lesbian romance with her Amazon delivery driver, who is pressuring her to leave her husband. With Amazon boxes stacking up in the garage and caught between her commitment to her family and her needs, Karen chooses to end her relationship with her delivery lover and stay with her husband.

streaming-services-what-if-they-were-people-what-kind-of-person-would-they-be-satire

Amazon Prime Video

Amazon Prime Video is the digital media division of the E-commerce behemoth, Amazon. If you have Amazon Prime, you will have free access to all Prime video content, as well as the chance to rent or buy exclusive movies or TV episodes.

If Amazon Prime Video was a person, what kind of person would it be?
Well, Amazon Prime Video would be a single mother who worked her way up to shift manager at Wal-Mart. She keeps a drawer full of special toys because, according to her, “she doesn’t need a man to take care of her business, because men ain’t shit.” Secretly, however, she’s still in love with her baby daddy, whom she regularly badmouths in front of her kids.

streaming-services-what-if-they-were-people-what-kind-of-person-would-they-be-satire

Apple Plus.

Hipster

streaming-services-what-if-they-were-people-what-kind-of-person-would-they-be-satire

Finally Is Netflix.

We’ve finally arrived at the big kahuna, the king of streaming services, Netflix. Netflix is a popular platform with a large number of subscribers and with the most extensive collection of original content.

This streaming behemoth began as a DVD rental service in 1998 and sashayed into internet streaming in 2007, amassing over 300 million customers worldwide. This entertainment juggernaut has no peer in the streaming pantheon, yet Netflix is often the focus of the culture of cancellation.

So, if Netflix was a person, what kind of person would it be?
Netflix is an adolescent YouTuber who is regularly harassed by a horde of haters and bullies. She’s had her fair share of statements taken out of context in some of her videos and social media postings by competitors attempting to dethrone her. She puts on her mask and films her videos while hiding her sadness and minor anxiety.

Regardless of her detractors, she constantly receives millions of views and gains thousands of subscribers each week, making her one of YouTube’s wealthiest content providers.

And there you have it: my guess as to the types of individuals popular streaming services might be if they were humans.

© 2022 William Saint Val

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