Hey you. I wrote this Review Just for You because I like you.I also like pizza.
J.J. Abrams and Chris Terrio
“I hate The Last Jedi! I am DONE with Star Wars!!”- High-pitched fanboy who’s already seen Rise of Skywalker 3 times and just bought tickets to a 4th.
Because you clicked on this, I’m going to assume you’re wearing the leather chaps I asked you to wear. One leg with pristine markings as if newly oiled, the other with hints that blood has been splattered on it, like you’ve been too disobedient but can’t help it. You just need the punishment or else you have no self-worth as a person—
Oh, that’s right…
I thought I was doing my, um, other writing. My mistake. This segment was requested by one Father Mick O’ Malley, a local Catholic priest who’s really into leather play. Once he donated more tokens I would have brought in the bound and gagged altar boys.
Who the f*ck actually needs a review to know if they want to see the 3rd movie in a Star Wars trilogy?
Oh. Thanks, lovely and beautiful person reading this.
And so Kip and Bryan, 2 altar boys who had never served under (and over) Father Tudix, reluctantly strapped on the <The rest of this has been redacted because it’s too graphic and you’re enjoying it too much> .
Rise of Skywalker (now called ROS because it takes too long to write the entire title and you know what I’m referring to) opens with the usual crawl.
The dreaded Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) is rumored to still be alive.
Whiny fanboys and girls are still triggered by The Last Jedi. But we all know they’re boys.
Ian McKellen is rumored to be in a good movie, but it’s definitely not The Good Liar.
New Supreme leader of the First Order Kylo Ren (Adam Driver…who just walked out of this review) wants to find the Emperor and kill him. Because he’s insecure and as we’ve seen, likes killing old men.
Rey (Daisy Ridley) is training with shiny flying balls to be a Jedi.
Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) and his useful sidekick Chewbacca (Golden Globe nominee for Jojo Rabbit, little Roman Griffith Davis) are busy trying to get a message from a spy within the First Order. This message will let everyone know if the Peleton actress Monica Ruiz is in this movie.
Oh yeah. I guess we have to mention that Poe and Chewie also have someone tagging along. Based on his worthlessness in both The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, Finn (John Boyega) is the useless black sidekick in the tradition of Falcon and War Machine, a 6 or 7th wheel who’s really served no purpose in the first 2 movies.
Hopefully Finn does something in this one. Maybe OG black sidekick Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams, wondering if you’d like a nice cold can of Colt 45) can help.
Anyway, Poe gets the message. It’s not good.
Emperor Palpatine plans the throw the biggest lemon party the galaxy has ever seen. Instead of 1 Death Star wannabe, there are hundreds waiting to unleash the Final Order. Turns out the Sith have been hiding in wait for years in a secret planet only the Sith have the combination to called Exegall? Or is it Exegol? No one except the writers really know.
Rey feels drawn to the Emperor for reasons she can’t discern. Perhaps she used to babysit him when he was little. Perhaps she is Luke Skywalker’s father.
Perhaps we can have an epic finale to a saga 40 plus years in the making.
What Works With The Rise of Skywalker
- Performance-wise, Adam Driver shines as the conflicted Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. He’s given scenes to show depth, and not just be a crybaby. His “memory” brings a tear to your one functioning eye.
- Writers J.J. Abrams and Chris Terrio (along with 34 other writers) have done the almost impossible by blending Leia’s (Carrie Fisher- you may pause to wipe tears from your face) story within the larger framework. There are moments when it does feel shoehorned but those are easily forgiven. We’re given a chance to say goodbye.
- Despite the prequels diluting Emperor Palpatine’s power to frighten, Ian McDiarmid still has the power to command a scene as the only person who could bring Darth Vader to his knees. His small screen time has more of an impact than Finn, Poe and Chewy combined.
What Doesn’t Work With The Rise of Skywalker
- Because moaning fanboys were little bitches over The Last Jedi, J. J. Abrams has fashioned a movie so risk-averse it’s a couple of one-liners away from being a Marvel movie. Where the far superior TLJ took chances, ROS plays it safe so as not to offend. There are times when you’re genuinely moved and involved during ROS, but those times are few and far between. Might as well have Ewoks in it. Wait.
- Domhnall Gleeson’s General Hux looked a like a good Stephen Miller impersonator during the previous 2 movies. Hux is reduced to a pointless bit part you could have cut out.
- Everything about Cats.
As a standalone movie, Rise of Skywalker is perfectly okay though doesn’t rise in comparison to The Last Jedi. As an end to the saga, you can’t help but feel you should have gotten a lot more. A least Bran doesn’t become king.