Hey you. I wrote this Review Just for You because I like you.I also like pizza.
Fanboy squeal-j*zz time!
OMG! OMG! It's ______! For about3 Days after the movie ends and you've all your Marvel stans and they're doing the same thing over and over.
Chris McKenna & Erik Sommers
F*ck a pandemic. Let’s go see another superhero movie. Goodness knows we can’t get enough of those.
I feel so bad for you but aren’t there 15 series on Disney Plus you can watch over and over and over again?
Then by all means go to the theater because I’m sure there will be a lot of empty seats because of the pandemic.
*everyone starts laughing*
*then starts coughing*
Anyway, if you’re aware of the new Spider-man movie coming out then I know you’ll be reading the reviews to find out if you want to see it or not because after 60 Marvel movies that have come out since 2008, you’re totally looking for quality and don’t want to see the same thing over and over.
Kidding. It’s Marvel, of course you want to see the same thing over and over.
These movies are as review-proof as they come because after 70 Marvel movies you really care about story and character.
There’s nothing better than hundreds of people in an enclosed space during a time of traditional colder weather. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Synopsis Because You Care About Plot in a Marvel Movie and It’s Really Important That There’s Nuance.
Spider-man No Way Home (to be addressed as NWH from now on so I don’t have to keep writing this f*cking title over and over) opens where Spider-Man Far From Home ends. J. Jonah Jameson (JK Simmons – The Accountant) has just revealed that Spider-Man is in fact, Peter Parker (Tom Holland, standing on a phone book- Spider-Man Homecoming). But that’s not too big a deal, is it? Iron Man revealed to the world that he was Tony Stark and except for dying, it totally worked out just fine.
But Peter’s just a teenager trying to find his way in life. His privacy is decimated. His friends are now in the public eye. Asian sidekick Ned (Jacob Batalon) and girlfriend MJ (Zendaya- Dune) are rejected from MIT because they know the now world famous webslinger.
But with great power comes loads of exposition so Peter goes to his cape wearing friend Doctor Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) and asks him to try and make it so everyone forgets he’s Spider-Man and he can live a normal life as he can’t go into an adult theater now because everyone will give him the side-eye, take their phones out and take pictures of Peter while he’s doing what teenage boys are known to do from time to time.
Something like that. And the last thing Peter wants is to be walking out of say, Underage Part 12, have someone take a picture of him, post it on social media with the tag, “Spider-Man likes Underage Part 12”.
Just Peter’s luck, Doc Strange knows a perfect forgetting spell.
But…Peter keeps changing the parameters of the spell while Strange is doing his wavy arm thing. This is apparently distracting to Strange because he screws something up and now the spell is f*cked because Peter couldn’t keep his mouth shut.
No harm, no foul. Peter goes about to see a recruiter from MIT about getting Ned and MJ back into the school when, as you’ve seen from the trailer, there’s an attack on a bridge from none other than Doctor Octopus (Alfred Molina).
Yes, but this is Marvel. Death or story coherence or relative plausibility means nothing when it comes to $$$$.
Oh, and Green Goblin shows (Willem Dafoe) up, because why the f*ck not?
Doctor Strange realizes that his spell is bringing beings from multiple universes over and thank goodness for de-aging technology.
It’s up to Spidey, MJ, and Ned to round up these beings before the Multiverse comes crashing down and destroys everyone and everything in their path. But that sh*t happens every fourth Marvel movie so you know everything will be just fine by the end.
Are you actually worried something bad will happen to our heroes? Have you seen any of the previous 80 Marvel movies. There’s more suspense in the plot of Underage Part 7.
That biology teacher Mr. Biggs looks like a young Paul Rudd.
What Works With Spider-Man No Way Home
- The Worst Kept Secret in Hollywood since Benedict Cumberbatch as Kahn or Christoph Waltz as Blofeld. You’ll get no spoilers here even though you can just look it up online. The final 30 minutes contain the most j*zzworthy fan service since Avengers Endgame. It’s pandering, but it works most of the time.
- Not that you see something like NWH for performance, but Marisa Tomei makes the most of her limited screentime. Aunt May hasn’t really done anything in the previous 2 movies other than serve as a placeholder, but Marisa Tomei gets some of the movie’s best dialogue. And nails it.
- Most Marvel movies are soulless and are devoid of anything resembling real emotion other than a generic sugar high. But NWH has scenes of genuine earned sentiment. They hit harder because you’re really not expecting them.
What Doesn’t Work With Spider-Man No Way Home
- With a 2 and a half hour running time, NWH never exceeds it welcome, but there are times when you’re tested because not a lot is going on. It takes NWH a good 25 minutes before anything of import happens and most of the second act is exposition dumps and repetitive callbacks to previous Spider-man movies. Is it worth it for the end? Of course, but it sure does take a long time getting there.
- With five villains vying for screentime, none of them really make an impression and only serve to remind you how much better they were in their original movies. Rhys Ifans and Thomas Haden Church seem particularly perplexed to be there since they’re not really doing anything.
It’s a Marvel movie. Reading a review for No Way Home is almost as pointless as writing a review for No Way Home. By the time this posts you will have seen this 3 times or just wait for the digital copy because you don’t want to risk getting sick for a Marvel movie.
Watch No Way Home At Home!
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© 2021 Noel Penaflor