Some world records the Guinness people have overlooked?

The other day I happened to see this article about a woman who is striving to become the world's fattest person. Susanne Eman, mother of two, weighs in at more than 54 stone (or 756 pounds by the American system of weights). Eman not only eats more in one day than an average family does in a whole week, she's went so far as to become engaged to a chef in order to help pile up the poundage.

Eman's bid for World's Fattest made me curious about other such records, so I paid a visit to the Guinness World Records. I spent a little time there, browsing through the various records. There are definitely interesting records galore to be found there. To mention a few: the Fastest piggyback ride ever given, Loudest purr by a domestic cat, the Longest sword swallowed, Heaviest aircraft to be pulled by a man, the Smallest living dog, the Longest snake in captivity (and WHOA this sucker is huge!), World's hairiest teenager and the Largest natural breasts. Then there are a few world records which I have to say fall under the ho-hum categories, like the Most Cosmetic Procedures, Largest Collection of Film Projectors and the Most People to do jumping jacks in a 24 hour period -congrats to First Lady Michelle Obama on this one. And of course, there are some really stomch-churning winners here, like the Farthest milk squirting distance (from a human tear duct), Longest duration living with scorpions and Heaviest weight lifted by nipples (OUCH!)

Before leaving the site I did a search for the Heaviest woman category and found two records, one being the Heaviest woman alive (Pauline Potter - 643 lb.) and the Heaviest woman ever, Rosalie Bradford, who got up to a 544 kg./1,200 lb. before her death in 2006. So it looks like Susanne Eman has a way to go before snatching the title away. But I did come away with one realization - that no matter how bizarre, no matter how revolting, no matter how life-threatening and no matter how STUPID it is there is going to be somebody who wants to be the mack daddy champion of it.

I don't know about you, but I suspect folks who keep up with world-record breaking stuff might be tired of the same old song and dance. In fact, the Guinness World Records people are probably missing out on some a lot more mesmerizing accomplishments that are being broke under our very noses each day. And who knows - if they started giving recognition to these astounding accomplishments they might even sell more issues of their yearly book.

To help them on the way I've selected a few notable accomplishments right here for suggestions. I don't know if they are actual record breakers, but I do suspect the Guinness people might enjoy finding out - it'd at least break up the monotony of measuring fingernails and watching bodybuilders lift weights with their bare nipples!

Most costly lostdom of a lottery ticket at a McDonald's

Winner - Mirlande Wilson

Selling the most cardboard tickets for paper cash in order to preach about the evils of cutting down trees adapted from a book that was mass-printed on paper pages.

Winner - The Lorax

Television show host who has induced the most incidents of aversion to eating

Winner - Bizarre Foods' Andrew Zimmerman

Television cast to cause the most aversions to watching MTV

Winner - the cast of Jersey Shore

Most multi-million dollar salaried jobs thrown away because you just don't want to follow company policies

Winner - Keith Olbermann

Most times referring to yourself on-air as "humble correspondent" before reciting viewer limericks written in your honor

Winner - Bill O'Reilly

Most frequent incidences of luxuriating in diamond jewels worth enough to feed an entire small nation for a year

Winner - Jennifer Lopez

Most spam comments posted on Youtube videos about bands and singers the spammer obviously doesn't know a damn thing about and is probably too plastic to ever appreciate

Winner - Team Bieber

Most mugging appearances on TV programming aimed at children, teens and the terminally bored

Winner - Michelle Obama

Making the most ungodly facial contortions during the course of a 5 minute television interview

Winner - MIchelle Malkin

Blowing the biggest amount of donated $ given you during and after a time of natural disaster

Winner - Haiti

Most re-enactments from the Kama Sutra between getting legally plastered and slipping overboard

Winner: Capt.Francesco Schettino

Leaving the largest amount of feces in the streets of cities during a single year

Winner - the Occupy Wall Street movement

Most televised line of commercials for a TV show no one wants to watch

Winner - Fairly Legal

Largest distributor of tax-payer paid What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas slogan tee-shirts to partying government employees

Winner - the U.S. General Services Administration

Most use of subliminal images of men tweaking decrepit old motors to the tune of Smokestack Lightning during 60-second commercials

Winner - Viagra

Shortest duration between strutting like a pack of macho tools into a haunted house and fleeing down the halls screaming like a pack of little girls

Winner - the cast of Ghost Adventures

Most frequent promoting as food something that could be used as cat litter

Winner - Kashi cereals

Biggest waste of $$ promoting tourism by a state that snubs every other state taxed to support their existence

Winner - California

Longest wait after registering a website domain and the politically convenient time to open for business

Winner - the Stop the War on Women website (registered March 2, 2011)

Most time spent aggressively smack-down'n the opinions of others in the aim of getting votes for a defender of free speech

Winner - Ron Paul supporters

Highest incidence of having your old musical video used as a link prank

Winner - Rick Astley

Biggest taxpayer-paid vacation expenses incurred by a dog

Winner - Bo Obama

Fastest time going from an escaped abuser of children to becoming a trending Twitter hashtag

Winner - Joseph Kony

Fastest time going from blitzing the airways with commercials aimed at people who may or may not be in debt to having your commercials pulled by the networks you are actually in debt to

Winner - Patrick Cox

Product containing most potentially dangerous side-effects than the habit it is supposed to help you stop

Winner - Chantix

Biggest economic disparity between what you invest on weapons research and the money invested to feed your own people

Winner - North Korea

Most tediously TV exposed man pretending to be a woman

Winner - Mrs. Doubtfire

Most tediously media exposed individual pretending to be an entertainer

Winner - Lady Gaga

Most tediously talked about social network with tediously unreliable policies

Winner - Facebook

The fastest move to clear North Carolina forest land in order to build a process farm for making "ecology-friendly" solar panels

Winner - Apple/Mac, Inc.

Fastest time to clear a house of all other life-forms with a single fart

Winner - our cat, Baby B

"It's the same old song" - The Four Tops

Comments

paxwill on April 18, 2013:

Hilarious! Nice write-up. But I don't think Kashi is fit to eat or poop in.

tbsingh from INDIA on January 31, 2013:

good information.

Jayme Kinsey from Oklahoma on December 02, 2012:

Haha! This was great! I think you missed some though. How about my relatives? They just won the "Most whining about how poor people use up too much resources as they hopped on a cruise ship for their third vacation of the year!"

Love the Kashi cereal. That stuff is awful! And the Chantix commercials are scary!

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 29, 2012:

Au fait, thank you for reading and commenting :)

C E Clark from North Texas on April 29, 2012:

Interesting hub. Interesting list. Interesting comments following the hub.

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 26, 2012:

Nell, thanks for the offer but I decided to just spend the evening browsing through photos of hubby instead..meow,meow, yummy!

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 26, 2012:

Thanks Dream On :)

I'm not sure if perhaps you're asking a rhetorical question but I've got a few coals in the fire right now :) Thanks much for the visit!

DREAM ON on April 26, 2012:

What's this world coming to.You have a lot of new potential categories.What about who can burn the most amount of money in a single day.Thanks for the interesting hub.You kept we guessing all the way through What's next??

Nell Rose from England on April 25, 2012:

Lol! Wanna borrow mine??

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 24, 2012:

Hey Nell!

Whoa. You know, I like my kink in the bedroom and after reading that I have to say in all honesty YEEWWHHHH!!!

Think I'll turn in tonight with a nice wholesome Playgirl and try to get that image out of my head! lol But thanks for posting hon, great to hear from you :)

Nell Rose from England on April 24, 2012:

really funny! But of course the cat Baby B has to win! lol! that fat woman reminded me of a program I watched the other night. It made me want to chuck! evidently there are something called 'fat girls and feeders'. The fun of it all is that the man marries the fat girl, ten times bigger than the one above, think Jabba the Hut! and then he feeds her up so that she can't get out of bed, her legs on their own are ten times bigger than me, and that's their life! he loves her for being so fat that she is nearly dying, can't get out of bed, and has to let him do everything, evidently the man gets turned on by it! don't matter about the women! when one of the women went on a diet to save her own life, her husband ignored her, insulted her and was going to leave her, but she begged him to stay! yep I know, unbelievable! but its fine folks because he has kept a video of her when she was gross, so he can, umm, get it on, on his own! fact is definitely stranger than fiction!

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 15, 2012:

Lesleysherwood, thanks much :)

Lesleysherwood on April 15, 2012:

I am loving this hub. I'm so impressed at what you have found. I remember reading about the fattest woman, such a shame. There are definitely some mental issues going on there with both the eater and feeder. Vote UP and awesome, thank you.

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 12, 2012:

Hey Alastar,

I imagine your peeps are like me in that as unpleasant as Eman's story is it snatches the attention like a train wreck about to happen.

Are you asking about Andrew Zimmerman? He has a show on the Travel Channel -called Bizarre Foods- where he goes around the world trying strange and little known "meals". The things he eats are often pretty disgusting.

Alastar Packer from North Carolina on April 12, 2012:

I've heard peeps talking about that Eman person and they all are incredulous over it. Really enjoyed all of these Beth. Is that what I think it is- the thing the telephones in on bizarre foods? Doesn't surprise with Viagra and Big Pharma's subliminals either.

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 11, 2012:

Ah Dexter, thank you :)

Dexter Yarbrough from United States on April 11, 2012:

Beth! I believe April is National Humor Month! You are doing it proud. Voted up, up and away!

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 11, 2012:

Hi JayeWisdom,

I agree she needs help more than a chef with a fork. And yeah, really have to wonder about the why's of such a marriage!

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Jaye Denman from Deep South, USA on April 11, 2012:

Interesting....

The photo of Suzanne Eman scarfing down all that food made me nauseated. Revolting! Her goal to become the fattest human proves she is demented and needs psychiatric treatment. WHY would someone knowingly help Eman kill herself with a fork???

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 11, 2012:

guyjackson, thanks and I just may :)

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 11, 2012:

Thank you The Remember!

Guyene Jackson from USA on April 11, 2012:

O my god .........Really Good wonderful your relation.

Thank's

continue.................

The Reminder from Canada on April 10, 2012:

Funny reading!

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 10, 2012:

Jeannieinabottle, amen on that! lol Thanks much for the VU :)

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 10, 2012:

hush4444, oh thanks so much and glad you enjoyed it!

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 10, 2012:

Hey Will and thanks :)

Jeannie Marie from Baltimore, MD on April 10, 2012:

I would also like to nominate the Ghost Adventures crew for "Ghost hunting crew viewers would most like to see slapped by ghosts." Fun hub and voted up.

hush4444 from Hawaii on April 10, 2012:

This hub is a masterpiece! I agree with everything you've written. I could go on and on with compliments, but I think I'll just share it - thank you for putting my thoughts into words for me!

WillStarr from Phoenix, Arizona on April 10, 2012:

Funny (and true!) stuff, Beth!

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 10, 2012:

Sunshine625, thanks much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 10, 2012:

Eric Newland, thanks much for reading and the VUP :)

Beth Perry (author) from Tennesee on April 10, 2012:

Becky, I'd be scared of that..last pet standing may be no pet standing, lol! Thanks for dropping by to read :)

Linda Bilyeu from Orlando, FL on April 10, 2012:

Your list is superb! Mack daddy winner was too funny! That's just gross, why would any sane person do that to their body! Ewww. I agree about Kashi cereal being cat litter! Haha! Facebook, Jersey Shore...classics! UP! Funny!

Eric Newland from Dayton, Ohio on April 10, 2012:

Some of these are definitely worthy of consideration, although probably difficult to top.

An entertaining read, voted up and funny!

Becky Katz from Hereford, AZ on April 10, 2012:

I think you may have something here. I will put my dog up against your cat though.