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Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Insults


People love to try to get your goat. Maybe you made a mistake, or maybe you just happen to be in someone's way. Maybe you rub them the wrong way, or maybe you rub them the right way and they don't want to admit it.

That's okay. Don't let them get to you. When somebody insults you, come back with one of my snappy answers:

  • Insult: "You're a jerk!"
  • Comeback: "Noun or verb?"
  • Insult: "Loser!"
  • Comeback: "Umpire!"
  • Insult: "You have no class!"
  • Comeback: "You are no teacher!"
  • Insult: "Get a life."
  • Comeback: "Get a death."
  • Insult: "You have no friends."
  • Comeback: "I have no problems."
  • Insult: "You smell."
  • Comeback: "You see."
  • Insult: "You're a worm."
  • Comeback: "You're humus."
  • Insult: "Drive much?"
  • Comeback: "Sorry, sir. The chauffeur was off today."
  • Insult: "You're stupid."
  • Comeback: "As an abstract concept?"
  • Insult: "You have no idea what you're doing!"
  • Comeback: "You have no idea what I'm doing, either!"
  • Insult: "You don't know what you're talking about!"
  • Comeback: "That's not fair. I know what you're talking about."
  • Insult: "You're ridiculous!"
  • Comeback: "I'm unique."
  • Insult: "You're incompetent."
  • Comeback: "How can you tell?"
  • Insult: "You're an a**h*le!"
  • Comeback: "That's right. I am absolutely essential."
  • Insult: "You're a fool!"
  • Comeback: "No fooling?"
  • Insult: "Your writing sucks."
  • Comeback: "Well, I guess you read it, eh?"

The "Comeback" as Diplomacy

Humor is a great tool for deflecting or deflating anger. The trick, in this comeback scenario my twisted little mind has created, is to say something inoffensive, yet funny. It is a fine line. Humor can always go two ways. Lots of things are like that; some people are, too.

When you use a snappy comeback there are a couple of advanced techniques you can use to help make sure your retort goes the way you want it to go. First, make eye contact to ensure you have your victim's attention. Then, smile! This is supposed to be fun. That's why it's called "funny:" because there's fun in it, hopefully. Now, when you deliver the comeback, have a little comic lilt in your voice. Come on, now, lilt with me. You can do it.


Choose Your Words Carefully

A few pointers.

  1. Know your audience.
  2. If you don't know your audience, temper your words. For example, avoid profanity unless you know it will not offend. The same holds true to insults directed at family members. Some will laugh, others will get angry.
  3. Keep your tone light. Deliver your counter-insult with a velvet glove. Make it clear that your goal is humor.

Be Prepared for the Counter-punch

They may have a comeback for your comeback - and that's okay. Some people just have to have the last word. That's their problem; don't make it yours.

Be smooth. If they come back with more anger, change your tone. Be concerned. Anger is suffering. Let them know it was not your intention to make them angry.

"I thought we were just having some friendly banter. No offense intended."

And, worst case, if they insist on being angry, don't join them. Anger consumes a lot of energy. They are sure to tire eventually.

If their comeback is better than yours, be sure to laugh. That's what it's all about.


Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on May 08, 2015:

Nice. That's right, if you're going to be something, be the most important part of it. Keep up the good work, there, pal.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on September 30, 2014:

Nice stuff, Katz. Love to get some play.

1. A grown person eating Rice Krispies - that's just too funny. I can't beat that.

Scroll to Continue

2. I don't know my age because they invented numbers after I was born.

3. Daddy!

4. Not your monkeys? I think we need some DNA testing.

5. I'm not offended either - we must be related! Daddy!!

Cat on September 30, 2014:

1 Ha, I've heard snappier comebacks just by eating a bowl of rice krispies

2 I would ask how old you are but you probably can't count that high

3 you ain't no ones fool, so let's put you up for adoption

4 not my circus not my monkeys

5 being offended is a choice and I chose not to be offended so your words are clearly no match fool!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on June 23, 2014:

Thank you, Katlyn! It is very difficult to make a snappy comeback to a compliment. Hey, I think that might be one! Thanks again.

Katlyn on June 15, 2014:

These are amazing! I'm not usually good with comebacks and this stuff is just the material I'm looking for. Thanks!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on October 07, 2013:

"... too comy (amusing, laugh provoking) to use..." you say? You needn't feel that way. Even a sad and boring person like you can use my comy prose if you like. Be my guest. :D

johnsmithismyname on October 07, 2013:

all of these are just to corny to use, thanks for trying tho....

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on May 01, 2013:

I think I would say something like, "Clearly my face is fertilizer for your imagination. I am glad you are grateful for it."

Anthony Etienne on April 29, 2013:

my friend

insult: ure face look like stool

comeback: wa doh come out of you bum chin

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 29, 2013:

Nice! Or,

"You and me, we're gonna go."

"No thanks. I think I'll stay. It's kind of nice here."

Anhony Etienne on April 29, 2013:

here's one

insult: u want beef

comeback: nah i am a vegetarian

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 22, 2013:

You honor me :)

zaynmaliklover on January 19, 2013:

These r cool

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on November 18, 2012:

My replies:

"I understand and respect your desire to make my face look like yours."

"If I were a kiddie pool, you would be a bacteria longing in vain to be allowed in."

ChessBabe on November 18, 2012:

If your face was on fire, I would stomped it out, and that would be an improvement

If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on November 17, 2012:

Thank you, Hula Girl! :)

Hula girl 123 on November 11, 2012:


Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on August 30, 2012:

Those are both awesome! Thanks, Trollston!

Trollston on August 30, 2012:

@tom Better one:

Should I take that as an insult or a tip?

Trollston on August 30, 2012:

Insult: Get a life!

Comeback: I'm a gamer; I have lots of lives.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on August 30, 2012:

That is a tough one. Let's see...

"You're pretty, but your cousin is prettier than you."

"Really? I was just thinking how much prettier she is than you! We think alike!"

Chopstick on August 29, 2012:

Hi! Awesome list there. Need some witty reply/comeback help. I have a friend who just commented that my cousin is very pretty and that I look like her, but she is prettier. She's the number 1, while I'm number 2 she said. I admit my cousin is really pretty and I love her. I just hate it when someone compares you and says it to your face.

sukhit on May 26, 2012:

gutum yiyin

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on March 31, 2012:

To your first response I would reply, "If I leave you alone, how will you know if I shut up or not?"

To your second response I would say, "But how do you manage to play ping-pong?"

Otherwise I would say your responses would be very effective ;)

Baseball 426 on March 30, 2012:

I get all my comebacks from my dad such as " just shut up and leave me alone." and then I just walk away. If that just doesn't work, I'd say" hey I'd would like to go back and forth like this, but I'd be wasting time."

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on March 21, 2012:

... and lived to tell the tale! Fantastic. :)

legs2 on March 20, 2012:

hood advice i used all ready on my brothers

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 14, 2012:

Seriously. :)

jessica.written. from Flagstaff, Arizona on February 14, 2012:

haha such a joker

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 13, 2012:

Wait! I can be as negative as the next guy! JK. :)

jessica.written. from Flagstaff, Arizona on February 13, 2012:

SO good. taking negative and making them look foolish by being clever and positive :) loved it

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 11, 2012:

Thank you, and a good one, too!

But I would retort, "Yes. How am I doing?" :)

Tom Koecke from Tacoma, Washington on February 10, 2012:

Are you trying to be an [idiot, a$$h0!e, jerk] or does it come naturally?

Great hub and comments!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 10, 2012:

It has drawn a crowd. Thanks for stopping by, Sachini!

sachini on February 09, 2012:

Oh My Gosh! this is Histerical! It is awesom. I love this damn website.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 01, 2012:

Nice. Quick wit, there, JT! :)

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 01, 2012:

Hi Ashley, I guess I would look really disappointed and say, "Aw, darn. Are you sure?"

J.Turner on February 01, 2012:

My Grandfather wanted to get married once more and most of my family members were against it. The conversation goes like this:

I would say: "Well, age is nothing but a number..."

My smartass brother: "Yeah in granpa's case, a big, big number."

Then Grandpa comes and shocks everyone, "Well woman did always prefer it big..."

And then another time when my colleague though it funny to pull me down in front of a group of girls.

"Hey J, I seen apes with more pretty arses than your face."

I would reply, "I'm glad you attended your family reunion!"

That day went pretty smoothly afterwards...

Ashley on February 01, 2012:

Soo sorry I meant to say tongue the phone corrected me

Ashley on February 01, 2012:

My friend uses this comeback on me when I stick my young out at her she says no thanks I use toilet paper how do I counter that

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 16, 2012:

I would probably say something like, "Yes, she is really, really kind. She actually found something nice to say about you one time, I think."

tikitiki on January 15, 2012:

See,this is the situation-

ME(To one of my friend's compliment to my pic ,which is :Well, i'm not surprised)--Aren't you kind?...:)

Other annoying friend of mine := Yes,she is!

What do you think my comeback should be Tom?

P.S-I'm thinking of replying with this-'I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.'

I want something better.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 10, 2012:

Short? I'm sorry. Would you like to help me be longer?

Can I close your door? I don't know. Sounds complicated.

Ed on January 10, 2012:

Office fun... Can you close my door and be on the other side of it...

Carisse21 on January 10, 2012:

what if someone calls you short?

Cookies are bliss from I know this one, um......don't tell me... on January 08, 2012:


Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 08, 2012:

I think I was talking and then someone used that one on me! Thank you, Cookies!

Cookies are bliss from I know this one, um......don't tell me... on January 07, 2012:

Friend was given credit to this.

Person: blahblahblah so this happened and blahblah I wasn't able to make it in time blahblah (excuses excuses)

You: *sneeze/cough* I'm sorry, I'm just allergic to BULLSHIT! :b

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 05, 2012:

The best comeback is to look at them tolerantly as if they are a two year old. The second best comeback is to laugh at them laughing at you. The third best comeback is to say, "Yay! My comedy routine is a hit!"

mikaap on January 04, 2012:

what if someone is laughing at you??

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on December 20, 2011:

Thank you, I am so glad you enjoyed! A good comeback can make your antagonist think. Oooh, they hate that. :)

vanessa-anne george ♥♥♥ on December 20, 2011:

lol this is hilarious!!! how do you come up with these?

and the a$$hol3 one is perfect!!!! thx sooo much!

(my sister always calls me that and i dunno wut to say so i just ignore)

once again thx :)

funnygirl on December 19, 2011:

yeah i usually do that too but i have alot of jokes but barely any mama jokes so i coming up with them

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on December 13, 2011:

Very nice. I'll have to dump these - excuse me, I mean add these to my collection :)

Thank you!

Eron:) on December 13, 2011:

Me and my uncle have always had comeback wars since I was old enough to talk, my family have always said i'm to smart for my own good a few i use fit for any occasion:

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

You! Off my planet!

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Do I look like a people person to you?

Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

Who crapped in your cornflakes?

I could say nice things about you, but I would rather tell the truth.

When did you decide i cared about your opiniun?

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.

Go jump off the world

I have loads more but its hard to think of neutral jokes:L

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on November 29, 2011:

That's pretty funny, funnygirl. The moms game usually ends up vile, so I usually stick out my lower lip and say, "You know, I never had a mom." That usually shuts them down.

funnygirl on November 29, 2011:

I love what you wrote it makes me want to insult ppl more lol jk jk

Dont you hate when someone says your mom all the time here's a comeback"My mom is a nune she told me she saw yours on a couner on the street she tried to help her but thy wasn't enough change to do it."

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on November 22, 2011:

You and your sister have a special relationship. I have that with my younger sister, too. We love to laugh. Now, since we are more than a thousand miles apart, we perhaps laugh less - which is too bad by any standard, I think.

My favorite of the ones you shared: "Earth is full. Go home." :)

Rae on November 22, 2011:

Me and my sister have little comeback wars all the time, to keep us sharp for a real life incident. Unfortunately, until recently, all we had were lame animal comments. For example, my sister has a hook-ish kind of nose, so I would respond to her ugly comments by calling her a toucan. It worked for a while, but then got old. . . She broke the pattern by looking up "How to make witty remarks" so now im making a list of good one I hear and find. This list went right on it, Thanks so much! and PS, these are a few I found someone might be able to use.

Well theres a clever answer

"Well, I'm now thoroughly convinced of your ignorance in the matter."

do you want to lie down? You look stressed. . .

Sorry I can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.

Let's see, I've walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping and gossiped with my friends...Nope, this list doesn't say that I'm required to talk to you.(good with a sibling or family)

Earth is full. Go home.

Cancel my subscriptions ... I'm tired of your issues.

I am not anti-social..I just don't like you

“We are so alike in some ways, aren’t we?” (This witty comeback is particularly effective if someone has made an insulting remark about your weight.)

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

sorry for the long post!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on November 21, 2011:

Too funny, too funny :)

I love Justin Bieber on November 21, 2011:

*giggles* I'm gonna marry this Tom guy.. Jkayss.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on November 18, 2011:

Nice material, Hugh J'. I'll have to use the next time I'm alone. :D

hugh jass on November 18, 2011:

what's the diffrence between your mum and a killer whale?

about 20 pounds!

hugh jass on November 18, 2011:

you remind me of that fat italian guy from kick-ass

i think you'r mistaken, i am the fat italian guy from kick-ass

hugh jass on November 18, 2011:

you'r mum is a poopy-bum-head


Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on November 14, 2011:

That's an easy one.

Insult: "You're so aggressive!"

Comeback: "Shut up and get out of my way!"

Annie Aneesch from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia on November 14, 2011:

dear Tom..

what'd be the comeback of Insult: aggressive ....?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on October 13, 2011:

No! YOU are!

Thank you :)

Katlyn on October 13, 2011:

haha these are awesome!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on September 30, 2011:

Thank you! That's a good one

jmax on September 30, 2011:

very funny jokes fav 1 is i'm busy can i ignore you some other time?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on September 26, 2011:

Hey, I've got competition. :)

Noa B on September 26, 2011:

My 2 favorite come backs:

1. "You are so stupid"

"Well unlike you, atleast I have a brain"

2. "Your fat"

"Well when you go near the ocean the whales start singing 'We are family'"

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 09, 2011:

That's an easy one.

"No... still."

joe on April 09, 2011:

How about one for "Wrong......again"? and it's coming from a holy roller

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 07, 2011:

I resemble that remark.

Good one!

madaline Paulsen on April 07, 2011:

insult: your ugly

comeback: quit talking to yourself.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 27, 2011:

Beats getting angry. Anyway it's good to be controversial! Thank you

Stan Fletcher from Nashville, TN on February 27, 2011:

•Insult: "You're an a**h*le!"

•Comeback: "That's right. I am absolutely essential."

I wish I didn't have to admit that this one will come in handy for me on numerous occasions. Great hub.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 30, 2011:

The "Suggest Link" tool is a handy one. Thank you!

Samuel E. Richardson from Salt Lake City, Utah on January 29, 2011:

I found you by pushing the 'suggest links' button. You're now linked from my own hub named "Become Quick-witted Overnight."

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on September 04, 2010:

Sure, Jmame. If you link back to the original I would appreciate it. :)

Jmame on September 03, 2010:

Okay these are so funny ! Can i post them too ?

What i tent to use is 'save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date'

lol x

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on July 04, 2010:

Something could help you, MW? JK.

Post all ya want, Tinklebell.

"So's your mom" works good too, unless you're disrespecting a sibling. Then it is mechanically unsound.

Izzy on July 03, 2010:

Personally I think saying "So's Your Face" after any direct insult like "You're ugly.", is pretty effective.

tinklebell on June 10, 2010:

do you mind if i post those comebacks on fb? coz i'd love 2! and i am.. so.. if you don't.. urm.. sozzy. i'll post ur name soo you can get the watcha ma call it... the.... the.... the... well. people know its u. :D

MW on June 04, 2010:

This will help me

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on May 26, 2010:

Precious. Truly precious. Thank you.

KrisseGirl on May 25, 2010:

Here are a few of my own favs!

1. I'm busy, can I ignore you some other time?

2. Shock me, say something intellengent (or keep talking, you might say something intellenget one day!)

3. Hello there! Did somebody leave your cage door open?

4. I'd call you an idiiot, but that'd be an insult to all stupid people.

5. Hi! I'm a human, what are you?

6. Can I ask you a question? (Suuure...) As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

7. Are you always this arigent (stupid, mean, annoying, ect.) or are you making a speicl effort today??

8. I do whatever my rice kryspcs tell me to do...

9. I refuse to have a battle of wits with the un-armed!

10. You're just jealous because the vioces are talking to me

11. I'll try to be nicer when you try to be smarter!

12. I see you've set aside that specil time to annoy me (or humliate yourself in public, lol!)

13. He deosn't know the meaning of fear... but then again he doesn't know the meani ng of a lot of words...

I really hope this helps! Also, I make falsh cards to help me remember them, seriosly! Now everyone thinks I'm quick and witty!


ryan on May 19, 2010:

thos are dumb, There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize your like that with coming up with retarded come backs

Sumer on May 14, 2010:

haha freaking awesome nice one :)

Michael Shane from Gadsden, Alabama on March 22, 2010:

That's some good stuff!

Caitlinn.x on March 12, 2010:

Right, if someone ever calls you a bitch, reply saying

"A bitch is a dog, dogs bark, bark is on trees, trees are a part of nature and nature is BEAUTIFUL, so thanks"

Works everytime ;D

naomi on March 01, 2010:

it really helped me to read your list

hilary on February 22, 2010:

Lol! you're brilliant.

B on December 09, 2009:

insult from a man :

Nice shirt, does it come in men sizes ?

Why ? looking for a present for your boyfriend ?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on October 10, 2009:

My personal fave:

"You have no class!"

"You are no teacher!"

Am I dead, yet? on October 10, 2009:

"you have no friends--I have no problems" pure classic!

raiderfan from Arizona on June 29, 2009:

Hell Yeah!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on May 18, 2009:

Ha ha, or "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." I mean, the meter doesn't even work!

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