My Cat Persephone Wrote this Review on her Smartphone. It was better than Mine. .
Elza Kephart and Patricia Gomez
This review of the horror movie Slaxx has been vetted by the National Association of P***ts.
Normally the NAP doesn’t meddle with the affairs of non-P***ts related subjects like movie reviews, but since murderous p***ts are featured very prominently in this Canadian motion picture, it is part of the NAP’s charter to investigate and examine all p***ts related activities.
Since time immemorial, the National Association of P***ts and its sister offshoot, the World Association of P***ts or WAP (you thought it was just a Cardi B/Meagan Thee Stallion song) has been called in whenever p***ts related events are involved.
NAP and WAP were called in during the great p***ts explosion of 1998. They were p***ts on the ground during the p***ts Expedition from 2001 to 2004. Whenever p***ts were engaged, NAP was there.
And now, in the midst of a global pandemic, the new horror movie Slaxx dares to show you…
A Canadian p***tsdemic.
Sensitive viewers be warned. Even you seasoned horror movie watchers may not be prepared for what happens in Slaxx. You may think you are, and there’s no shame in admitting it, but you’ve never seen anything like what befalls our unfortunate Canadians.
You may tell yourself, “It’s just a movie. There’s no such thing as killer jeans.”
You may be right, but can you ever really be sure? Look at your legs right now. Are you secure in your p***ts?
Sooner or later, we all wear p***ts.
Those of you with a p***ts or jeans sensitivity please refrain from reading this review. There are many other reviews for you to choose from, like Willy’s Wonderland featuring the p***ts-wearing Nicolas Cage, or 2015’s Ant-Man, starring Paul Rudd.
Please, for the love of all that is benign and holy, read another review. If you’re lucky, nothing like what you see onscreen will ever happen to you.
Synopsis so Tight You Can See Loose Change
Slaxx opens in boundless and abundant cotton fields in what looks to be India. We see numerous Indian women and girls picking cotton, looking like they’re having the time of their lives. We see a sign (“Experimental Fields”) but that probably doesn’t mean anything because nothing bad ever happened when people of not white skin color picked cotton.
We fast forward to a Canadian clothes chain called Canadian Cotton Clothiers, or CCC.
CCC is the company all other companies want to be. They’re 120% organic. They are not associated with any sweatshops. And they give back to the earth. Other companies would be green with envy, but there’s no other company greener than CCC.
In this particular branch of CCC we meet Libby (Romane Denis, whose name sounds like a healthy salad) and it’s her first day at work. She’s wanted to work at CCC ever since she was born because of its stellar reputation. Today’s her training day, but the end of it you’ll wonder if Ethan Hawke ever had it so rough.
Her over-caffeinated store manager Craig (Brett Donahue) is busier than usual because it’s time for the new collection.
All CCC employees will have to work overnight before Monday Madness begins. Libby is happy to do so because she’s found her purpose in life. CCC makes the world a better place.
The over-coked head of CCC, Harold (Stephen Bogaert) is launching the new line, and if all goes well, then our friend Craig that we hate will be the new regional manager.
Harold unveils CCC’s piece de resistance: Super Shaper jeans!!!
They’re jeans that fit the user, no matter his or her size or shape. They will revolutionize the jeans industry for generations. And they’re made from all natural materials from Mother Earth. If Mother Earth were to wear jeans, She would wear mother*cking Super Shapers.
They will be released exclusively at this CCC for Monday Madness.
This is the greatest first day of work ever, not just for Libby, but for humanity.
An eager beaver employee named Jemma (Hanneke Talbot, whose name also sounds a like a salad, but one you’d want someone else to try first because you might be allergic to Hannekes) steals a pair of Super Shapers and tries them on in private.
Jemma finds the jeans are as advertised. They are contouring to every curve in her body. Except they start slicing her up until her entrails are spewing out of her sides. Pretty soon she’s cut in thirds and the jeans seem to be seeping up the blood.
Another worker named Hunter (Jessica B. Hill) is looking for Jemma because she’s supposed to be out on the floor stocking. But Hunter sees a pair of the Super Shapers as well. Can you guess what Hunter is going to do?
Lured by the jeans, the same fate befalls Hunter.
Brett needs Hunter and Jemma as soon as possible. Not only is the new collection being unveiled, but social media influencer Peyton Jules (Erica Anderson) will be showing the Super Shapers on her Tube famous webcast. Brett tells Libby to go find them.
Libby finds dead Jemma. Libby tells and shows Brett dead Jemma. Brett says it’s a shame but Jemma had self-esteem issues and we all know people with self-esteem issues chop themselves into thirds.
Brett cares not for Jemma because the clothes must be racked. Peyton Jules will be here any minute and after that the entire store will be put on lockdown as per usual when the new collection arrives.
That means no phones, no internet access, no reaching the police.
It’ll be on hell of a first day for Libby, because unless things change and these killer jeans are zipped up and contained, Monday Madness will have an entirely new meaning.
What Works With Slaxx
- It’s barely over 70 minutes long. Even if you’re held at jeans-point and you wanted to stop watching after the 10 minute mark, just know it won’t be long before it’s over, but you’ll be wishing for it long before.
- An Attack of the Killer Tomatoes reference that’s maybe not worth a laugh, but it might be worth a snicker. That moment in the movie is shorter than this sentence and it’s not worth sitting through this movie for one minor chuckle.
What Doesn’t Work With Slaxx
- Writer/director Elza Kephart (along with co-writer Patricia Gomez) attempt a heavy-handed cinematic tirade against consumerism and unethical companies but forget to make the movie entertaining except for a couple of brief moments. You want to hammer us with a message, make sure we’re not yawning through its very brief running time.
- Ostensibly labeled a “horror comedy”, there’s nothing funny nor scary about Slaxx after the first remedial kill. You could just watch the trailer more than once and get the same effect. You’ve seen one pair of jeans dancing; you’ve seen them all.
Don’t try on these jeans, because they fit nobody looking for a good (or even entertaining) movie.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
© 2021 Noel Penaflor