This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
R for really weird
All Right, All Right
It’s January, a time where movies go to die. You’re not expecting much, and millions of you already sat through the stillborn Glass (recently nominated for Most Disappointing of ’19). There are the Oscar nominees you could catch up on, but for most of the 1st month of the year we usually get garbage like those Underworld movies or an idiotic Paul Blart. Once in a while you get a Taken, but we know it’s better that you just stay home.
If so, that would be alright, alright, alright (requisite McConaughey reference).
Or if you want to get that Mediocre Night Shyamalan taste out of your mouth, you could check out the 2019 version of Serenity. Originally slated for a September release, Serenity finally drops in the graveyard month and breathes a little life into January, considering the almost literal trainwreck that was Glass and you feel terrible for paying money to see The Upside.
If you think you’ve seen most of the story because you’ve seen the trailer, you’d be right…and you’d be really wrong.
Matthew McConaughey plays a fishing boat Captain named Baker Dill. He and his black sidekick Duke (Djimon Hounsou) spend their days on Plymouth Island (Plymouth Island- A place where everyone sweats because it’s so sunny and because of Global Warming) toting fat white tourists catching tuna for money. Business is not a-boomin’.
Baker is obsessed with catching a very large tuna because it killed his family and cut off his right arm and inverted one of his testicles so it looks odd. That really didn’t happen but he still really wants to catch that tuna.
Again, Baker’s business really isn’t doing well. To supplement his income, he services (as in sexual services, as in he has sex with her) a local woman Constance (Diane Lane) and she pays him for it. Nice work if you can get it. Also, Constance’s cat is constantly missing. Read into that what you will.
Baker’s money problems might be solved as a mysterious blonde woman from his past Karen (Anne Hathaway) offers him an indecent proposal. She’s in an abusive relationship with her abusive husband Frank (Jason Clarke), who is her husband and is also abusive.
Take Frank out fishing and “accidentally” throw him overboard to the sharks. If Baker can do that, then Karen will pay him $10 million dollars.
Baker really needs the money, but he’s seen countless movies like this and knows that it never works out like you think it will because someone double-crosses someone else and you can never trust a blonde woman in a noir movie.
Will Frank ever do anal with a 10-year old hooker?
And who’s the guy in suit that looks like an insurance agent holding a briefcase trying to find Baker?
And will Baker ever find Constance’s Kitty and is that really a metaphor for sex and if so, why?
Before you find the answer to those questions, just know that things get weird.
Really effing weird…
- For most of you, the bonkers third act will make or break the movie. I dug it, but I know that half of you won’t. Credit writer/director Steven Knight (Allied, Locke) for going all-in on the most divisive ending of the year so far. It reminded me of that episode of Bl<redacted because if massive spoilers>or.
- Within its own rules, the ending makes more sense than the ridiculous letdown twist(s) of Glass.
- Plymouth Island seems like a wonderful place to live because <redacted because of massive spoilers> and that is why I would like to live there
- In a movie filled with intentional over-the-top acting, the only real performance that stands out is Jeremy Strong’s seemingly out-of-place performance (“I am the rules”) as a “Salesman”. I feel bad for his suits because <redacted because of massive spoilers> and semen stains can be so hard to get out.
- Firefly fans who will so upset that this isn’t a sequel to 2005’s Serenity. They will write about it on the internet because <redacted because of massive spoilers> and I think he’s still alive but I’m not sure because I heard him breathing but I just left him there to bleed out
- Anne Hathaway doesn’t really do much except play a stereotypical femme fatale. Her part doesn’t have much screen time or relevance other than to jumpstart McConaughey’s Baker. Interstellar 2 this is not. However, she does <redacted because of massive spoilers) and semen stains can be so hard to get out.
You could do much worse than Serenity. Glass, for instance. See it for a shot of McConaugh-ass, stay for the <redacted because of massive spoilers>) Brad Pitt is Edward Norton!!!