This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
Apologies in advance to all you parents forced to see Frozen II this weekend. As a human being person, my stomach hurts just thinking about what you have to go through.
Apologies in advance to all the humans that are going to have to listen to all those new f*cking songs from the new Frozen 2 soundtrack. Sometimes, it’s better not to have ears.
Why are you plugging Frozen 2?
Lucky. If I randomly plug Frozen 2, do you think the Disney will pay me royalties, maybe send some underage employees to work at my factory for cents on the dollar?
Make that Disney money.
Anyway, because I’m so excited to see Frozen 2 I’ve decided to review the revenge thriller Revenge because they’re practically the same movie. But Revenge has fewer annoying songs.
I meant, Revenge has fewer songs that children and adults of all ages will love and cherish for generations to come and will totally make them want to visit Disneyland for overpriced parking and wait in line for hours for underwhelming rides.
As a part of my new Disney agreement, I have to find a way to work in the words “Frozen” and “2” into this Revenge review. Shouldn’t be a problem.
Synopsis- brought to you by Fr*zen 2
Revenge opens with a photogenic white couple in a helicopter. They land and approach a secluded beautiful house. It’s moment of perpetual beauty frozen(!) in time.
We meet Jennifer (Matilda Lutz) and her boyfriend Richard (Kevin Janssens). They’re an Instagram-ready couple only you get the feeling that Richard isn’t going to want to post any of what he’s doing with Jen anytime soon.
Why, you ask? Because Richard is kind of, how do you say, married with children. His wife calls frequently and Richard answers and talks to her like the perfect husband. Richard tells Jen he’s frozen($) in his current situation because of his children and if it weren’t for them he would divorce his wife and be with her.
No married guy sleeping with a younger woman has ever said that before. We believe Richard he’s so trustworthy and not a d-bag. When he gets home he’s going to take his kids to see Frozen 2 ($) because he bought tickets online.
Richard and Jen are at the hideaway house because this is his annual hunting trip with his friends Dimitri (Guillaume Bouchode), Stan (Vincent Colombe), Brock Turner, and Brett Kavanaugh. Let’s hope none of them are rapists.
Jen likes Richard. She almost believes him when he says he’d leave his wife for her. At least she has the use of his helicopter because it will take her to Los Angeles. Jen believes Los Angeles will give her a fresh not frozen($) start to become…anything she wants.
The night before the trip Jen is dancing with Stan. Some might say suggestively, some might say seductively. Some might say she’s just dancing and nothing more. Stan, Dimitri and Richard spend most of the night leering at Jen because they’re guys.
The next morning Jen gets up and sees Dimitri passed out in the pool. Stan is awake and he says that Dimitri is nursing a hangover. Jen notices Richard is gone. Stan says Richard is just getting stuff for the trip and will be gone for a couple of hours. Stan keeps on staring at Jen. Jen is clearly uncomfortable and leaves, saying she has to begin packing for her trip to LA.
While changing, Jen notices Stan ogling at her.
Stan apologizes and then asks if they can hang out some time.
Jen tries her best to let Stan down easy but Stan can’t take a hint that’s staring at him frozen ($) in the face. Any woman knows what this is like if they’ve ever been online or out in the real world or just been alive.
Jen says no.
Stan doesn’t take no for an answer and forces himself on her.
A bit later, Richard comes back and asks what’s wrong. Jen is reluctant to answer. She asks Richard to call the helicopter.
Richard talks to Stan and Dimitri and comes up with the perfect solution.
Richard has put a lot of money into Jen’s account. All she needs to do is keep quiet. It was unfortunate, yes, but nobody really needs to get into a tizzy over something that can be so easily handled.
Jen is understandably upset. Jen tells Richard she’ll call his wife and tell her everything. Richard hits her. Hard.
Jen then runs out of the house but is stopped at a nearby precipice. Richard apologizes and says he’ll call the helicopter right away.
He then pushes Jen over the cliff where she lands with a branch through her torso.
As you’d suspect, even with a bloody branch sticking out her tummy Jen is still alive and she’s really miffed. Richard, Dimitri and Stan may be on a hunting trip, but if Jen is able to get back on her feet, she’ll be on a hunting trip of her own. Even though it looks like she’s in the middle of the desert, Jen is thirsty for vengeance, or another word for vengeance. As soon as I think of it, I’ll write it down but right now my brain is frozen($$).
If Jen makes it through this ordeal alive, she’ll be sure to see Frozen 2.
What Works With Revenge
- Matilda Lutz’ fierce feral and flat-out unforgettable performance as a Jennifer left for dead. She doesn’t have a lot of dialogue in the final 2 acts of Revenge. She doesn’t need them. Though she looks like a cross between Mandy Moore from 2002 and Jessica Alba from 2007, she fights like somebody tough with the last name Moore and Jessica Alba from Sin City.
- The kills are as uncompromising and brutal as you’d want or expect them to be, considering. Sure, some of them are over-the-top, but you go with it more-or-less because Jen is such a badass.
- An unsubtle but effective look at gender politics from writer/director Coralie Fargeat. A lot more subtext than your average revenge thriller. Then again, Revenge isn’t your average revenge thriller. Just the title is average.
What Doesn’t Work With Revenge
- There are more than a couple of moments when you have to suspend disbelief that Jen is still alive. As tough as she is, you’ll think to yourself more times than you should, “That would have killed her by now.” A minor but noticeable quibble.
After you’re forced, I mean- After you willingly see Frozen 2 this weekend, do yourself a favor and see Revenge. Though it’s violent and graphic, Revenge won’t make you feel as soiled as you would sitting through any Disney movie.
Watch Revenge Here!
Sam Shepards from Europe on November 24, 2019:
Talks about a 2007 Jessica Alba, as connoisseur talks about a 2005 Pomerol (Petrus).