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Ranking the First Five Fast and Furious Movies by Their Fast-Ness and Their Furious-Ness

I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!

ranking-the-first-five-fast-and-furious-movies-by-their-fast-ness-and-their-furious-ness

On June 25th, 2021, the eagerly anticipated (by some people I guess) 9th movie in the MENSA- approved Fast and Furious series, the numerically accurate Fast 9: The Fast Saga finally opens after a year long delay due to the pandemic.

For the past 20 years, the Fast and Furious movies have shown the moviegoing universe what it takes to be fast, to be furious, and to be fast and furious. But most of all it shows us that—

It’s all about family.

This meticulously researched list (meaning I thought about the movies for about 90 seconds and got their onesheets off the internet) will give all 45 Fast and Furious movies a ranking based on both their fast-ness and their furious-ness.

I was going to try to jam all 75 Fast and Furious movie all one on list, but there’s too much to discover and this rich and varied series to stuff all into one list.

It’s not just about cars, it’s about family.

(whispers) It’s about family.

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

ranking-the-first-five-fast-and-furious-movies-by-their-fast-ness-and-their-furious-ness

The surprise hit that, for better or worse, started it all. Before the FF crew dragged vaults and Russian submarines and dealt with British assassins that turn out to be really good friends, The Fast and The Furious was just about a group of illegal street racers and an undercover cop tasked to bring them down.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullsh*t. For those ten seconds or less, I'm free.”

All in all, it’s just an average action movie, but you can’t deny the bromantic chemistry between Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. It’s almost like they were family.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“It's not how you stand by your car; it's how you race your car.”

If you can’t go left in your car, you’ll never be right WITH your car. Think about that.

Fast Scale

Pretty Fast

Furious Scale

Not that furious

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

2 = Too, just in case you were having trouble with that.

2 = Too, just in case you were having trouble with that.

The one without Vin Diesel. Paul Walker’s Brian gets a sassy black sidekick named Roman and fast and furious hijinks ensues. Eva Mendez shows up as an FBI agent or something. Boyz N the Hood director John Singleton slums to do a car racing movie.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“Man, it's a hoasis in here, breh”.

It’s serviceable, but you miss the comradery between Walker and Diesel. The villain couldn’t be any more generic and you wish Eva Mendez actually did something. But there’s nothing 2 terrible about this movie.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“He's clean, dirty, but clean.”

So, he’s both dirty and clean…at the SAME TIME. U can’t take 2 much of this.

Fast Scale

2 Slow in the middle

Furious Scale

2

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

ranking-the-first-five-fast-and-furious-movies-by-their-fast-ness-and-their-furious-ness

The stupid one, but at least the drifting cars distract you for a couple of minutes. The one without Walker or Vin Diesel except at the end. If they were to supercut all the drift racing scenes, that edit would be a much better and much shorter movie than this idiotic entry into the franchise. Yes, idiotic for a Fast and Furious movie. Featuring a kid from the 90s sitcom Home Improvement grown up to play a d*ck. And Lil Bow Wow.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“Fifty percent of something is better than a hundred percent of nothing.”

That math does add up.

Everything having to do with the laughable “characters” in this movie is just that: laughable. And boring. In this movie more than any of the others, you just want them to get to the racing and stop with the people. The plot looks like they got it from one of those Japanese vending machines where they sell little girls’ underwear. At least I heard they have those there.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“Life's simple. You make choices and you don't look back”

Make your choice. Don’t look back. Never see this stupid movie that makes your brain cells drift away.

Fast Scale

The Faster it Takes to End This movie, the Better.

Furious Scale

10 is how mad you are at wasting time sitting through this.

Fast & Furious (2009)

ranking-the-first-five-fast-and-furious-movies-by-their-fast-ness-and-their-furious-ness

Vin Diesel is back! Letty dies! But like the no-stakes Marvel Universe, death doesn’t mean anything. Letty’s “death” is a wonderful hook to bring Dominic and Brian back together. The plot involves something about infiltrating a heroin dealer but you don’t really care about that. Introduces Gal Gadot into the franchise and it’s good to see she went to make better movies not named Wonder Woman 1984.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“A real driver knows exactly what's in his car.”

That line has gotten me out of many a scrape. I graduated Grad School thanks to that line. I became a doctor and an astronaut thanks to that line.

A middling entry to the FF franchise, but you’re glad that Dom and Brian are back together. They’re almost as important to the series as the cars going fast and really upset. Good thing, because they’re the only thing you actually remember from this movie as the credits roll.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“Maybe you're lying to yourself. Maybe you're not the good guy pretending to be the bad guy. Maybe you're the bad guy pretending to be the good guy. Did you ever think about that?”

Maybe this is a mindlessly stupid franchise pretending to have some depth. Did you ever think about that?

Fast Scale

8

Furious Scale

82

Fast Five (2011)

ranking-the-first-five-fast-and-furious-movies-by-their-fast-ness-and-their-furious-ness

Dwayne Johnson arrives to give this franchise a boost. Shows movie star charisma to balance out the Vin Diesel monotone drone. Released a year before The Avengers, the best Fast and Furious movie gets a lot of mileage out of the Fast-Vengers team up. The action is above average and the heist plot is more than sufficient. But the fight between The Rock and Vin Diesel is better than the entirety of Tokyo Drift and most of 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“Running ain't freedom. You should know that.”

I do know that.

So much escapist fun. The entry in which the franchise seems to accept how ridiculous and stupid it is, but in the best way possible. All the necessary parts are done with tongue placed firmly in cheek without some of the unearned self-seriousness.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“The most important thing in life will always be the people in this room. Right here, right now. Salute, mi familia.”

This wouldn’t be so bad if some version of this line weren’t said every (fast) five minutes If you cut this line by half in every movie, it would go a lot, um, faster.

Fast Scale

Faster than five of Dwayne Johnson’s moronic family movies.

Furious Scale

If you’re an average rapper and you’re not in this movie, you’re really angry.

Overall

Stay tuned for the next 20 movies in the Fast and Furious franchise ranked on the fast and furious scale. It’ll be here soon enough, quickly and in an angry fashion.

Vote!

Comments

Noel Penaflor (author) from California on June 13, 2021:

It's all about family.

Jennifer Jorgenson on June 13, 2021:

I wish there was something in here about the importance of family.

Noel Penaflor (author) from California on June 13, 2021:

It's all about family.

Sam Shepards from Europe on June 13, 2021:

Vin Diesel has family.

Noel Penaflor (author) from California on June 12, 2021:

It's about family...

John Plocar from Weatherford on June 12, 2021:

..... It's about family.

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