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Ranking the Fast and Furious Movies 6 Through 782 by Their Fast-Ness and Their Furious-Ness.

I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!

If you want people to lean on cars, nobody does it better than they do.

If you want people to lean on cars, nobody does it better than they do.

No doubt you’ve read the Ranking The First Five Fast and Furious Movies By Their Fast-Ness and Their Furious-Ness list posted weeks ago and have been waiting with bated breath much like you’re waiting the release of Fast 9 (opening whenever those hilarious come-back-to-the-movies commercials says it is).

You’re watching for the new Fast and Furious movie eager to see something you’ve never seen before. Or, since this the FF franchise, you’re just waiting to fork over your money to see the same f*cking thing you’ve seen for the past 20 years. If it ain’t broke…

Only this time, the cars will go faster, they will say “NOS!” with even greater ferocity, and all the vehicles will look like dild*s but everything will be going so fast that you’ll barely notice.

Oh yeah, and Vin Diesel will say something about how it’s all about family.

*whispers* It’s all about family.

It’s family about all.

*whispers even quieter* Family It’s Family About All Family About It’s About Family It’s All About Family About Family All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy All About It’s Family.


Fast 6 (2013)

Trying to recreate the magic of Fast 5 by having the entire gang reunite and fight another gang that looks exactly like them. Oh yeah, and Letty’s (Michelle Rodriquez) back from the dead only this time she has amnesia. I thought only soap operas still used amnesia as a subplot. Reality doesn’t matter anymore. Then again, this is FF. Reality never mattered.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“A team is nothing but pieces you switch out until you get the job done. It's efficient. It works. But you? You're loyal to a fault. Your code is about family. And that's great in the holidays, but it makes you predictable. And in our line of work, predictable means vulnerable. And that means I can reach out and break you whenever I want.”

Oooh. Generic bad guy Luke Evans knows it’s all about family. He must have seen at least one of the movies. This chapter features the fake death of Han and the (possible) fake death of Gal Gadot. We’re thinking Gal Gadot has her own franchise to think about instead of downgrading back to these movies.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“You know what they say, Stasiak, if you want the career-changing big fish, you gotta be willing to put on the big boy panties and sail out to the deep water.”

Brian uses a fishing metaphor with panties to explain life. Or something.

Fast Scale


Furious Scale

Arggh! So Mad!!!


Furious 7 (2015)

Instead of Fast, this one is Furious, presumably because it’s the one where Paul Walker died. Yeah, we give James Wan’s stylish sequel a pass for being even more nonsensical because of the mid-shoot rewrites due to Walker’s passing. We’re introduced to Jason Statham’s Deckard Shaw, a British assassin (or something) that’s so elusive he shows up every five minutes just to let you know Jason Statham is in every action franchise ever made, no matter how idiotic.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“I used to say I live my life a quarter mile at a time and I think that's why we were brothers - because you did too. No matter where you are, whether it's a quarter mile away or half way across the world, you'll always be with me. And you'll always be my brother.”

No, I’m not crying. You’re crying.

*crying* It’s all about family.

Kurt Russell collects a paycheck to drop exposition. There are worse jobs.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“The thing about street fights... the street always wins.”

Raise your hand if you ever tried to get into a fight with a street. Does that mean you should never CROSS a street? Get it? Cross, and in…never mind. Something about family.

Fast Scale

So fast that cars fly.

Furious Scale



Fast 8 The Fate of The Furious (2017)

Fast 8 has Charlize Theron whispering her dialogue, Russian submarines, Helen Mirren(?) and Jason Statham and Luke Evans are now good guys. Okay. What’s more compelling that anything in this movie is the real-life beef between Dwayne Johnson (Jumanji, Jumanji 2, Jumanji 6) and Vin Diesel. They have no scenes together due to said animosity. Hilarious. And Dom has a son. Sure, why not?

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“Dom! You Gonna turn your back on Family?”

What? Dom turns his back on family. Nooooo. Doesn’t Dom know it’s all about family since he says it every 5 f*cking minutes?

The only FF movie featuring two Oscar Winners. Presumably because they wanted additions to their houses or a new car or a new boat.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“Is that a torpedo?”

Yes. Because torpedoes are involved now.

Fast Scale

88 miles per hour

Furious Scale

Charlize Theron concentrates on her check when she’s doing her lines.


Fast and The Furious Call Me By Your Name (2017)

Dom and Roman go to Italy for some rest and relaxation and discover feelings they have for each other that don’t involve fast cars. There’s throttle and thrust, but not in the way usually shown in Fast and Furious movies. The most tender heartfelt Fast and Furious movie ever. Call it by its proper name.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!”

Come to think about it, that is pretty deep.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life Part 2

“Man, it's a hoasis in here, breh”.

Drink deep from the hoasis.

Fast Scale


Furious Scale



Hobbes and Shaw (2019)

This spinoff is already a lot more entertaining that the two previous FF movies simply because The Rock and Jason Statham don’t waste minutes of screen time blathering on about family. The comedy more or less is consistent, the action is crisp and Vanessa Kirby is deadly. And Idris Elba shows up as a better drawn villain than he did in Star Trek Beyond.

Deep Line Of Dialogue that Makes You Think About Life

“I'm trying to save the world, which, for the record, will be my fourth time. 'Cause I'm really good at it.”

Hobbes really is good at saving the world. And Dwayne Johnson is good at saving franchises from being stale, unless it’s those moronic Jumanji movies.

Idiotic Line of Dialogue That Makes You Roll Your Eyes

“He knows nothing, Jon Snow.”

Any mention of Game of Thrones awful final season gets downvoted.

Hobbes Scale


Shaw Scale



Family It’s About All.


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