I Wrote my First Movie Review While Giving Birth to a Camera. It has followed me ever since. Please don't mind the Mess.
Introduction Written Not Stirred
On October 8th, 2021, after a 50-year delay due to the pandemic, the final Daniel Day-Craig-List James Bond movie No Time To Die finally opens. Daniel Craig has played James Bond 5 times. But this is not the only Bond movie with the word “Die” in the title.
True fans know that every 3rd Bond movie is required to have “Die” in its title. Probably not out of laziness, but because “Die” is really easy to spell and this is a Bond movie and no one really cares about the title because you’ve got Bond Girls and convoluted plots and long opening credits with innuendo filled dialogue and ________ (fill in your own Bond trope here).
Every era, every new Bond has to have at least 4 Bond movies with “Die” in the title.
- Sean Connery (1878)- Dying Young- Not to be confused with the 1991 Julia Roberts weeper. This had Connery’s Bond assassinating a bunch of kids for no reason. It was not the most popular Bond movie, probably for the kid killing. Not cool, James.
- George Lazenby (1765) – Die-No-Might!.- A lot of people think On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was Lazenby’s only Bond movie. Untrue. Lazenby actually played Bond in this Blaxploitation homage. But he did it in blackface and an unconvincing afro wig. It was so racist that the Broccolis never bothered to release it. Only 6 people have seen it, including me. It’s really bad. Like Soul Man, bad.
- Roger Moore (1976)- Breezy Swedish Die- Moore played Bond a record 7 times. He does not count the time he played Bond between The Man With The Golden Gun and The Spy Who Loved Me because he doesn’t remember filming as it was way too traumatic. In Breezy Summer Die, Bond goes to Sweden to spend the summer with his Swedish best friend Pelle during a very important festival/harvest ritual. Bad stuff happens. It does not go well for Bond. Breezy Swedish Die was given a very limited release given the graphic nature of the kills. Writer/director Ari Aster saw an underground copy of it on VHS and decided to remake it under the name Midsommar but with Florence Pugh replacing the Bond character. You’ve seen Midsommar. Breezy Swedish Die is even more f*cked up.
- Yeah, we’re not counting David Niven or Barry Nelson either.
- Timothy Dalton (2076)- To Die Or Not To Die- Hamlet as Bond? Yeah, it was a terrible idea and no one saw it.
There were 4 Bond movies with the word “Die” in the title that weren’t that bad. And Die Another Day.
1) No Time To Die (2021)
“You know what time it’s not? Dying time!”
By far, the best Bond movie with “Die” in the title and a fitting, if overly long, final chapter to the Daniel Craig era. No spoilers here, but it’s about time Bond settled things not with his fists or a gun strategically located in his ____, but with a lip sync battle, even if it does feel a little 2015. Rami Malek (The Little Things) is such a generic Bond villain, and he still doesn’t deserve his Oscar. Craig and Lea Seydoux have no real chemistry together, but that shouldn’t stop you from saying goodbye.
2) The Beast Must Die (1974)
“This is the Werewolf Break. Have you guessed who the werewolf is? Is it Paul Foote? Is it James Bond?”
James Bond and (00)7 other strangers are invited to an island estate. 007 thinks he’s going on a much needed vacation. But one of the strangers is a werewolf. Will Bond solve this lupine problem? Or is 007 a double-O werewolf? This Bond as a horror movie might have worked if it hadn’t been made in the 70s. I totally guessed who the werewolf was after 8 tries. There’s nothing really scary that happens in this movie other than the sideburns and the propeller width collars, but it’s the second best Bond movie with “Die” in the title simply for Bond saying the line, “One of our guests is a werewolf, I know it”.
3) Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
“They’ll print anything these days”.
Pierce Brosnan’s second outing as Bond has him going against Jonathan Pryce’s media mogul Elliot Carver. Not one of Bond’s best villains simply because he’s a guy that runs newspapers which is about as frightening as a guy that runs magazines. And now people will have to look up what the f*ck a “newspaper” is. A perfunctory Bond movie that only distinguishes itself because of Michelle Yeoh, yo.
4) Die Mommie Die! (2003)
“Buster, if you want any singin' outta me, you better haul out that bratwurst and spread some mustard on it.”
Bond goes deep undercover as a retired singing star plotting to murder her hated husband to be with her younger lover. High jinx ensues. Of the murdering kind. The first Bond movie played strictly for laughs with nary an action sequence. Bond is totally convincing as a woman and you totally can’t tell Bond is a guy wearing a wig and lipstick. Still better than The World is not Enough. But will you be able to tell which cast member is a werewolf?
5) Die Another Day (2002)
“Saved by the Bell”- Right after being asked what his favorite show was.
Pro- Halle Berry.
Con- that stupid invisible car.
Pro- Halle Berry.
Con- A villain who can’t sleep and a villain with an icy face and that stupid invisible car. Okay, that’s more than one con.
May this Bond entry die from your memory.
There you have it. Ranking 4 of the best Bond movies with “Die” in the title. And Die Another Day. If you’re a Bond fan you’ve already seen No Time To Die in theaters twice despite its 4 hour running time. But if you’re got more time to kill(!) then see these Bond movies with “Die” in the title.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.
© 2021 Noel Penaflor