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Porno (2019) Movie Review

My Cat Persephone Wrote this Review on her Smartphone. It was better than Mine. .

If you rearrange the letters in the title, it spells 'onpor'

If you rearrange the letters in the title, it spells 'onpor'

MPAA Rating

UnRated

Running Time

98 minutes

Director

Keola Racela

Writers

Matt Black and Laurence Vannicelli

Just to be clear, the horror comedy Porno is not actually an p*rnographic movie as there are no explicit scenes of intercourse that you can’t see on any basic cable movie from the mid-90s.

Wait.

Where are you going? There are some good articles you can read embedded within the movie itself. Sorry if the title misled you into thinking you were seeing something else when in fact you would be watching something wholesome and fit for the entire family.

Children included.

That is, if you don’t mind your kids seeing full frontal nudity, half back-al clothe-ity, brains, legs and other assorted body parts flying all over the screen along with an old man running around in his underwear.

See, totally wholesome. Instead of going out and spreading viruses to each other this Memorial Day, perhaps you can spend it watching a gory bloody splattered piece of fun-sploitation cinema…from your own home.

You won’t even have to clear your browser history afterward. Unless you were watching those stupid Twilight movies.

Synopsis

Porno opens in a midwestern movie theater in the year 1992. We know this because it’s one of those theaters with only two screens. And those two screens are showing Encino Man and A League of Their Own.

Maybe you’d be better off just renting something from a video store.

To young people out there, you will now be given a moment to look up on your phones what a “video store” is. They were all over the place way before you were born. If your parents still owe late fees then you know where your college fund went.

We’re somewhere in the bible belt because everyone that works here is repressed AF. There are no black people in this movie so you don’t have to worry about any of them getting shot while jogging.

The theater is run by a bespectacled, probably single, religious nut job named Mr. Pike (Bill Phillips). Pike is so pious that you know he’s got more than a few illicit and more than likely illegal skeletons in his closet.

porno-2019-movie-review

Pike employs mostly teenagers at the theater, and they’re pretty repressed as well. Let’s meet them before they’re all killed off.

  • Abe (Evan Daves)- He’s got a white guy afro and is best friends with Todd. That’s pretty much all there is to his character.
  • Todd (Larry Saperstein)- He got in trouble with the law for something that seems quaint now but back in the 90s was a big deal. He’s back at work after some…discipline.
  • Ricky (Glenn Stott)- Ricky went to camp this summer and learned things about himself that won’t be revealed until the second act. That’s pretty much all there is to his character.
  • Chaz (Jillian Mueller)- Full name is Chastity. It’s her first day as assistant manager, which is as bad as it being your final week before you retire. We’ll she how she holds up.
  • Heavy Metal Jeff (Robbie Tran)- He couldn’t hack it in college and now lives with his parents. He’s a straight edge that puts nothing negative in his body except diet coke and organized religion. He’s the projectionist and takes his job a little too seriously.

Mr. Pike leaves for the night and now Chaz is in charge. After the theater closes, the crew will get to watch one of the movies for free. They’re about to formally vote on the movie when they hear a noise coming from one of the supposedly empty auditoriums.

Dueling flashlights.

Dueling flashlights.

The crew enters and sees an old man in his underwear running around in front of the screen. Chaz tells the old man the theater is closed and that he must leave.

The old man screams and runs out of the auditorium and into the lobby. It looks like he’s searching for something. He’s found it.

Behind a boarded up wall there’s another auditorium. A hidden one.

Chaz and Co enter the new auditorium and notice things are a lot…different. It’s dusty and smells like old people. But they find an old film canister containing an unlabeled print.

Should they watch it? Of course not.

Are they going to watch it? Of course they are.

Heavy Metal Jeff is more than a little reluctant to put that print in his projector.

The crew outvotes him and starts playing the print.

The film begins and shows people in hoods and masks. Then there’s a woman. She’s not wearing much and soon she’s not wearing anything at all. Then the film stops.

Because on Chaz’ first night as assistant manager, they’ve released a succubus named Lilith (Katelyn Pearce) and she’s hellbent on teaching these kids to cut loose, or rather she’s hellbent on cutting loose the crews’ insides all over the just-vacuumed lobby floor.

It’s still better than sitting through Encino Man.

porno-2019-movie-review

What Works With Porno

  • You want nudity and gore? You got nudity and gore in medium-sized amounts. You’ll see a decent share of what you paid your fee for, but when the movie ends you’ll wish you’d seen a lot more of both. Because that’s all it has going for it.

What Doesn’t Work With This Movie With The Misleading Title

  • Yes, there’s gore, but you’ll notice that you’re never really scared. All of the potential scares are telegraphed at least 10 minutes in advance, and when they arrive there’s still a lot lacking.
  • None of the cast distinguishes themselves though the movie is more than capably acted. The only reason I remembered who Chaz’ was because she’s the only (human) female in the cast. The other characters are generically interchangeable. That’s the writers’ fault, not the actors.
Should we all watch something else?

Should we all watch something else?

Overall

A mixed bag. While you’re rarely bored, you also never rise above the level of being minorly entertained. A solid premise is sunken by numerous missed opportunities in regard to both scares and laughs. Mildly recommended.

Really 2.5

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