My Cat Persephone Wrote this Review on her Smartphone. It was better than Mine. .
Parents be warned. The new horror romcom monster giallo comedy PG Psycho Goreman is most definitely not rated PG, lest your children try to fool you because they got away with it one time with that extremely gory horror movie they lied to you about and then you let them watch but they got nightmares and couldn’t sleep because they were too disturbed by the images. Then you had to comfort their whiny little selves even though you had to work the next day. Sure, because of quarantine it’s not like you had to get dressed and drive but you did have a Zoom meeting early in the morning with a very important person and then you forgot one of your kids was on Zoom earlier and then you were in that meeting with a cat filter that you didn’t know how to take off so you just ended up looking like a f*cking chump in front of your boss who was in front of her boss and who introduced the new regional manager Karen, who was an actual Karen and not just named Karen.
Then again if your kids lie and say PG is rated PG, you should let them watch it. When they see the copious amounts of gore and blood it will disturb their fragile little psyches to no end. They’ll wake up screaming for you to save them from the Psycho Gorman and the pain he wishes to unleash on everybody.
To paraphrase Watchmen, they will scream “Help us”, and you will whisper, “No”.
Rest assured knowing that if your kids survive, they’ll thank you later in life for being such a wonderful parent.
However, if you are thinking about seeing PG Psycho Goreman…
Those shades are prescription.
Psycho Goreman opens with both a crawl AND a deep-baritone voice-over.
A long time ago in a galaxy relatively near, there was a planet called Gigax and on Gigax there was a nameless unspeakable evil that caused death and destruction and terrible movies like Willy’s Wonderland that left few living souls in its wake. The Gigaxian powers that be teamed up to defeat this evil and imprisoned him in an indestructible construct that will be destroyed in less than ten minutes of screentime. Gigax and the universe is safe.
Or is it?
PG Psycho Goreman opens again with two siblings playing a game of their own invention called crazy-ball (don’t ask.)
I said, don’t ask.
Crazy-ball involves a ball and some crazy. The rules are explained but they’re in montage form so you don’t really have to pay attention because you’re not going to be tested on this later.
Their names are Mimi (Nita-Josee Hanna) and Luke (Owen Myre). Mimi is so much better at crazy-ball. Not just because she’s good at it, but because her brother is kind of a little b*tch. Mimi wins yet another game. Luke cements his position as the less important sibling. If it was a Sophie’s Choice between Luke and Mimi, well, Luke should be shopping for headstones sometime in the near future.
After some post-game digging in the backyard, Mimi notices something glowing in the ground. She picks it up and it looks like a giant shimmering ruby. Mimi will keep the ruby because she found it. Mimi makes Luke put all the dirt back in the hole grain by grain and Luke complies because he’s a feeble little boy who will grow up to be a weak little man.
Mimi and Luke go off to bed, the ground covered up, this night behind them.
They do not see a hand rise up from the ground.
That hand belongs to a monster from another world.
Either it’s an elaborate piece of cosplay or it’s a giant monster (played by Daniel Day-Lewis, voiced by Bradley Lee Cooper). One who’s waken up from a long slumber. What better way to blow off some steam after a long siesta than by killing a bunch of homeless people who earlier that night killed someone and robbed him.
We don’t feel bad when the being dismembers all the transients before sending them to a painful yet quick death.
But he’s searching for something.
It’s not long before the monster finds out that two tiny prepubescent humans have what he’s looking for. He finds Mimi. He demands the gem of…
The gem itself has an odd name that I don’t feel like looking up so I’m just going to call it the Gem of MacGuffin.
And whoever is in possession of the gem also has possession of the monster, as well as the right to name him, which is a thing that I wouldn’t necessarily say if I didn’t want to be told what to do all the time.
Mimi has the gem. Which means she’s in control of the creature. After much deliberation with useless Ron Weaselly, um, Luke, they decide to call the monster Psycho Goreman, PG for short.
PG is fine with the name. He just doesn’t like being told what you do so he demands Mimi give him the gem.
Mimi tells PG to go f*ck himself.
Meanwhile, the Gigaxians just figured out that the nameless evil that was trapped and never to be awakened again has just awakened again. They send their greatest warrior Pandora (played by Kristen MacCulloch, voiced by Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio).
As if the prospect of an all-out war between the Gigaxians and PG right here on earth isn’t daunting enough, now Mimi and Luke have to introduce PG to their parents. That’s crazier than the craziest game of crazy-ball.
What Works With PG Psycho Goreman
- Putting the gore in Goreman, there’s more than enough blood and guts and brains to assuage fans of carnage. You can tell a lot of love and attention was put into the many inventive ways people die in this movie. You’re surprised you don’t have any blood on you by the time the credits roll. You do wish more invention were used in the screenplay.
- Playing Mimi and Luke’s father Greg, Adam Brooks quietly steals scenes deadpanning the funniest lines in the movie. Every time the movie cuts to Greg, you’re expecting something humorous to come out of his mouth. You’re not disappointed.
What Doesn’t Work With PG Psycho Goreman
- There are times writer/director Steven Kostanski’s script feels like a preteen boy wrote it as it’s all money shots and nothing in between. Between shots of gore nothing really happens as the movie spins its wheels while you wait for another kill. There are too many dead spots in a 90+ minute running time. Mildly recommended for gorehounds.
You’ve come to see Psycho for the gore, man (or woman). You’ll get what you came for, more or less. But you wouldn’t be wrong in wanting and deserving more, man.