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My Retirement Plans


All this talk about the demise of Social Security has made me think. I started to think about retirement plans and what I am going to do. I have no 401k, no rich husband, no poor husband, no stash of cash and nothing but my wits and good looks...something that along with $4.50 will buy me a latte at Starbucks.

So, what to do, what to do. I thought about some of my options and came up with three: Homelessness, Prison and a bamboo hut in Belize living off of Hub-pages. You think I'm kidding? Well, here are the proverbial pros and cons.

Plan A

I thought about traveling the world and seeing all the places I've never seen, sleeping in the great outdoors, being accountable to no one and having more freedom than a person could shake a stick at. Sounds like a dream...this is the homeless option! There are definitely benefits to homelessness. There is no one to tell you when to get up, when to go to bed or what to do, you are free as a bird. The only problem with homelessness is that you are also free to starve or freeze to death. So I'm not too sure that this would be an ideal retirement plan. But, then nothing is perfect so let's look at my second alternative.

Plan B

My second plan is Federal Prison. I know, I know you might say how awful and it is but let's look at the facts here; free medical care, free room and board, lots of companionship and you can even get a law degree. Now I thought I would look into federal prison because I've always heard of the term Club Fed for all the politicians who got sent up the river so to speak. I hear those prisons are pretty swanky so I thought if I am going to make this a retirement option I would definitely seek out the more accommodating surroundings. I also figured you really wouldn't have to do something too terribly bad to get put in a Federal Prison..something like holding up a Post Office or some other federal building...that should do it and if I happened to enjoy my surroundings should I come up for parole I would just tell them I would do it again. I think of everything! In any case this is definitely an option..who knows maybe I could try the free wheeling homeless retirement plan and then when I get tired of that go to plan B..Club Fed.

Plan C

OK, my last but not least option otherwise known as Plan C is retiring on some tropical island in some bamboo hut while wiling away the hours writing hubs. I think this is a pretty good plan but there is only one problem....I'm not sure if those islands have internet access, and if they didn't it would throw a wrench into everything! The couple of bucks I make from Hub-pages would pay for my incidentals and I could enjoy the sand and surf with the best of them.

Whatever your retirement plans are I hope they do not include Social Security as we all know that probably won't be an option. You say you are depending on your 401k's? Well, last I heard the government was going to start dipping into that pot, yeah your pot, too. I think you'd better start making your plans like I have, and feel secure in knowing that security is an illusion anyway. All these plans we make and we might just get hit by bus tomorrow while crossing the street!

Start saving for your retirement, write for Hubpages!

**If you would like to earn money writing for hub-pages click here:

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Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 18, 2014:

Thanks "Availiasvision", at least if I move I'll have lots of things to write about eh!

Jennifer Arnett from California on July 18, 2014:

I love the humorous, yet realistic bent you take. I think that moving out of the country is the best option. The Hub writing hut in Belize sounds awesome! From reading your hubs on out grid living, that's probably your best bet. Maybe a solar powered tiny house???? There are plenty of ways to live for under $1000 a month, if you play your cards right. I know I need to get out of expensive Bay Area, California. Rent is eating up half of my paycheck. Good luck with your retirement plans. It's never too early to start!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 18, 2014:

Scroll to Continue

Thanks, you are an inspiration "Blond Logic", how do you like living in Brazil?

Mary Wickison from Brazil on July 18, 2014:

I opted for C. Okay my house isn't made out of bamboo it is brick but other than than, it is spot on. I moved to Brazil.

I raised tilapia and am now planting coconut trees as a retirement plan.

Just a note about the first image. I don't know why artists do that. No sane person would tie a hammock to a coconut tree. They are like getting hit on the head with a bowling ball.

This is funny stuff and it would make a great film.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 18, 2014:

The other problem is finding a job if you cannot 3 ideas might just become a reality in the very near future!

ologsinquito from USA on July 18, 2014:

A lot of us are going to have trouble retiring. I don't see how it will ever be possible.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 27, 2013:

LOL, you and I think alike "Doodlehead" :)

Doodlehead from Northern California on February 27, 2013:

Federal prison sounds good; I haven't had a TV my whole adult nice to catch up with what everyone else knows about in that department.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 04, 2011:

Me too.

BlissfulWriter on May 04, 2011:

Although I have never been homeless, I don't believe it would be that much fun. I researched and have written about it.

My choice would be to live of Hubpages revenue. But in order to do that I have to have enough articles in place by retirement time. I have to start writing now and continue till retirement until I can build up enough Hubs.

In addition, Hubpages must still be around by the time I retire.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on January 30, 2011:

Thanks, good luck to you.

Rastamermaid from Universe on January 30, 2011:

Great hub!

I'm looking for an nice place to retire.

Right now Jamaica is leading,with Panama running a close second.

Heading to Nevis to check out what they have to offer.

Nice hub!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on January 26, 2011:

Yes, and they speak English down there too. Too bad about the 3rd world bit.

David Knowles from Wellingborough on January 25, 2011:

I looked in to belize idea with there cheap land and no codes building policy but when i visited it was a little more third world than i liked, i cant believe how our thinking is similar .great minds haha

Elephant Man on October 24, 2010:

The federal prison option may work out if you're a woman. But if you're a man, you'll be too busy lubing up to work on that law degree. Horrible advice.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on October 10, 2010:

Good to know, thanks for writing!

Nizamuddin on October 10, 2010:

I have lived in Barbados for many years and yes, many of these islands have internet access ; ) Nice hub, Brie...

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on October 05, 2010:

Good luck with that attemptedhumour!

attemptedhumour from Australia on October 05, 2010:

I'm just going to keep on working with my coffin on the roof rack. Then i won't need a retirement plan. Plan C on Manhattan Island might work. Cheers from Oz

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on October 05, 2010:

They all have their benefits and detriments.

Chuck RitenouR from Front Royal, Virginia on October 05, 2010:

I'm definitely leaning towards the prison

Seriously though, I see no retirement option available to those of us at 50+.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on September 21, 2010:

Thanks debbiesdailyviews.

debbiesdailyviews on September 21, 2010:

That was a brilliant view of retirement,

It makes ya think.

Very funny, and usefull,

Keep writing, as I am going to enjoy reading your views

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 27, 2010:

Thanks retirementvillage!

retirementvillage from Philippines on May 26, 2010:

Brie, this is a funny hub, but it's a good plan for your should go for it!

Haris Amin from Mars on May 22, 2010:

Hey i have a retirement plan a great one, the best to be more precise but its not for me its for Billy.

Yup Billy aka " Bill Gates" Time to retire buddy. Ill take good care of your business more profits and less windows crashes. All you have to do is sign here and here and there and its all mine bye bye sweet retiring.

Say Hello to new Microsoft President. Me!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 19, 2010:

LOL..That's what I like a man with ideas!

ZEEMADMAN on May 19, 2010:

Now as to the "Robbery" you don't really want to hurt anyone, and risk getting the Golden Needle. So, how to do that. Simple. Buy some duct tape (duck, quack, quack) and a bunch of road fussee's, and some wires, clock face timers, batteries, etc. All for the look of a bomb. Tape it all together into a vest, then just put it on, with a cape, rain coat, overcoat, etc. over it. When you get to the teller hand them your note, asking them to clean out all the drawers, or see the Bank Manager to hit the Main Vault. Your choice. Then just show them the "bomb!" Trust me, they won't start examining it. Or say gee, that looks just like bunch of road fussee's. They may soil themselves, but they won't want proof that your bomb really works, or not! You probably should dump it as soon as you leave the bank, so just take it off, and ditch it in or by a trash can. That way some rookie cop won't freak out, and shoot you by mistake. Plus, the bomb makes it an "aggravated crime," i.e. use of weapon in the robbery. The fact that it's fake does'nt matter, since the people in the Bank had no way of knowing that. Same as an unloaded gun. How were they supposed to know that. That's probably why it's better to just see the Bank Manager, so he, or she is the only one who can testify about how frightened they were, still have nightmares, need psychotheraphy, etc. Good luck that's the way you decide to go. I see this as a growth industry, helping people get into Federal Prison, just for the Health Benefits they don't have, or have been cheated out of. I could offer premade "bomb suicide vests", typed robbery notes, directions to all the area Federal Reserve Banks, names of the Employee's on duty, and their schedules, and places to toss their ill gotten gains to the crowds, and wait for the Cops to arrive. Park benches with shade trees. A Limo Service to the Bank of their choice. All at very reasonable rates!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 19, 2010:

Great tips Zeemadman...the name is great too. I will keep them in mind! :)

ZEEMADMAN on May 19, 2010:

Well, first off, if you're going to go to Prison, make sure it's a Federal Prison. So make sure to do a Federal Crime, so you end up in a Federal Court. Rob a Federal Reserve Bank, then toss the money to the crowd outside the Bank. Make their day with a few thousand dollars. If they ask if there's anything they can ever do for you, say yes, here's my name, and SSN, I'm about to go to Federal Prison. It would be nice if you could send a few dollars to my Commissary Fund now and then, if you can spare it. Second, commit your "crime in Minneapolis, St Paul. That's where the Major Medical Centers are, like the Mayo Clinic. The Feds take their Prisoners there!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 16, 2010:

Hey I don't just make up these articles I live them!

50 year old white guy on May 16, 2010:

You get to live in Manhattan for FREE?!?!!! Free is even better than cheap. Stay where the living is free. You don't get much better than that. Good for you.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 15, 2010:

I have a situation here that enables me to live here for free. And I do think about moving but everywhere else seems to be just as bad.

50 year old white guy on May 15, 2010:

Serious question: If you are unemployed, why choose to live in one of the most expensive places in the country? Your son is a man now, you are single, and you have the opportunity to start fresh.

Sometimes, the smart choice is not the one that you want to make.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 15, 2010:

Easier said than done when unemployed.

Dr Deth on May 15, 2010:

Well, start saving for retirement then - you look like you have plenty of time left before hitting retirement age

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 13, 2010:

I already live on a very expensive island too on the east coast! Thanks for the's so nice to wake up and check the mail and find these there, they are like flowers that someone leaves me every morning.

Elayne from Rocky Mountains on May 13, 2010:

You are inspiring - I have three more options I had not thought of. I already live on an island (a very expensive one) and know I could live on the beach - too bad they keep kicking the homeless off the beaches - but they always seem to find another one to move to. I just plan to move in with my kids, but I am pretty sure that will make the in-laws move out. What to do, what to do? Aloha!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 04, 2010:

We could be a regular Thelma and Louise!

Enlydia Listener from trailer in the country on May 04, 2010:

we could join forces...if we could handle each others crazy new schemes (Smile!)

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 04, 2010:

I think God will provide regardless.

John Harper from Malaga, Spain on May 04, 2010:

One interesting fact about state pension plans is their complete illegality if anyone else tries to do it.

They take money from new investors, to pay dividends to earlier investors, hence pensions ONLY work for as long as there are consistently MORE new investors to pay for earlier ones.

In the real world that is called a PONZI scheme, which is of course illegal, but somehow as the government do it, it becomes not only legal, but statutory that you engage in it.

Go figure!

It also explains why the government actively encourage fast breeding immigrants to come into the country, because our baby booming generation have now stopped breeding, therefore we are not replacing ourselves, therefore without introducing new immigrants (the average immigrant from undeveloped (or is that uncivilised?)countries will produce five children, we produce 1.6)the whole scheme would collapse in less than 50 years.

As it is, America could find herself repopulated in the same time frame, with folk who think very differently from the American Dream concept.

Fun days to live in!

As for me, well I recognised the Ponzi effect when I left school to start work, so pension plans have never featured in my life very much, besides, last time I read my bible I could not find the bit that told me that God would provide ALL my needs until I was 65 years old, then I would be on my own....seems God does not have any retirement plans except taking us home!

"Quill" on May 03, 2010:

Retirement is not going to be an option for many people, we might have to look at being greeters at Walmart and getting paid in tokens for the outdated foods on the shelves.

Years ago when they first introduced RRSP's to us we all should have listened. I did to a certain degree and will be fine, maybe a little left over to help others but it will be hard without a doubt.

Great Hub Brie


foreignpress on May 03, 2010:

Do I sense a hint of desperation? The trick is to do what others haven't thought of. For example, I'm seriously thinking of robbing a drug cartel. There's also WWII loot stashed in Europe and South America ripe for the taking. Rather than Club Fed, a woman of your everlasting beauty could join a sheik's harem and wrap yourself in fine silks while gorging on plump grapes. These are times of serious uncertainty especially with Satan's henchmen at the helm. That's why God has a plan for you. But you have to tune in.

P.S., El Barack is talking more and more about the birthing issue. He's trying to make light of it, but I think he's starting to sweat a bit.

dumpling dude on May 03, 2010:

Freegans are people from all walks of life that forage through supermarket dumpters for food that is thrown out. Obviously the food is still good at this point but you need to be careful and clean everything thoroughly.

Youtube has numerous vids on this and there are many right here in nyc also.

Check it out.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 03, 2010:

A freegan...never heard that term before.

Dumpling Dude on May 03, 2010:

I thought about buying a camper with satelitte tv and internet and going across the US and Canada. I could become a Freegan eating food supermarkets throw out from dumpsters to sustain .Take odd jobs for gas.

Its a thought.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 03, 2010:

Thanks for the invite, you never know!

tony0724 from san diego calif on May 03, 2010:

Brie you can hang out with me in San Diego. I know we both kinda think alike anyway and the weather is pretty warm . However Belize does'nt sound half bad . Perhaps Fiji ?

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 03, 2010:

Loriamoore: Sounds too much like work work to me.

JD, you have a point!

Enlydia, we could join forces!

Enlydia Listener from trailer in the country on May 03, 2010:

Brie, I can't believe you think so much like me! of my plans was to get a gypsy vardo...and sell reflexology tricks for about $5 a head just to get from town to town...maybe do a little other things on the side...Plan B is to travel from one kid to another (when they are grown up enough to handle it ) and have each one support us for a few months. Plan C.. find a campground somewhere (in a warm climate)and live off of Hubpages.

Judah's Daughter from Roseville, CA on May 03, 2010:

Maybe being hit by a bus doesn't sound so bad!! lol ~~ awesome hub!!

loriamoore on May 03, 2010:

I have "semi-retired" as I call it, now working about 40 hours per week instead of 60-80 and working primarily from home and on my own terms. It's like retirement to me.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 03, 2010:

Aw..the plan of the truly desperate...welcome!

joeymaq from Illinois on May 03, 2010:

Brie, Great post! really funny! I might try plan B. at least I would stay warm and get 3 meals a day. Thanks, Joseph McDevitt

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