I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!
John Rogers,Tami Sagher, and Harper Dill
Wow”- Owen Wilson reading this review to himself.
“Wow”- Jennifer Lopez as she’s reading Owen Wilson’s text to her about reading this review.
This Valentine’s Day/Super Bowl Weekend show the person or persons or animals you love you truly care about them by reading this review of a romantic comedy/home invasion thriller/independent family drama about a family finding out their dad was gay all these years and trying to come to terms with it but all the signs were there you just didn’t want to see them/inspirational sports movie/3 hour foreign movie about driving in a car and also by doing something nice for them like dinner or lunch or a late dinner or early lunch.
But if you feel like seeing a movie this weekend, the new romcom Marry Me is definitely something that is available. Whether you drive to your local megaplex or you stream it on Peacock (“This Valentine’s Day, stream Marry Me with your loved ones on the ‘Cock!”) just know if you see Marry Me then you will experience a motion picture professionally made.
You could see the new Liam Neeson movie Blacklight but just know (spoiler) that it’s a movie cobbled together from scenes from other Liam Neeson movies like Run All Night or Walk All Day or Where The F*ck Are My Children?. You’ve seen it all before.
Perhaps you’re thinking about seeing Armie Hammer in the sequel to Murder on the Orient Express called—
By process of elimination we can be sure that Marry Me is the safest bet to have an okay time at the movies.
Marry This Synopsis.
Finally, the eagerly awaited sequel to 1997’s Anaconda…
Marry Me opens with pop superstar Kat “Exxon” Valdez (Jennifer Lopez AKA JenLop- Hustlers, Ben Affleck) and her fiancé Bastian (Maluma) singing their chart topping song “Marry Me”. It’s quite possibly the greatest song ever written and performed proving that humanity has reached its apex.
Kat and Bastian have been dating and now plan to get married. They will have a concert and then have a wedding ceremony in front of screaming and streaming 20 million fans because they too have been waiting for this moment their entire f*cking lives.
If you’re thinking,” This is the type of thing that could only happen in a romantic comedy,” then you’d be right.
Meanwhile, we meet math teacher Charlie (Owen Wilson AKA Ow-Wi). He’s a single father raising a precocious young daughter Lou (Luke Wilson) because her mother got eaten by a raptor while on jury duty.
Charlie’s coworker Parker (Sarah Silverman) has tickets to the concert/wedding of the century and she invites Charlie and Lou to tag along.
Charlie and Lou attend the concert and Lou at least is having a wonderful time. Charlie doesn’t listen to music or have fun at all unless it involves (REDACTED BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL IN SOME STATES) and a llama. Parker has Charlie hold a “Marry Me” sign for a bit in a plot point that will have no bearing to the rest of the movie.
Meanwhile again, Kat finds out that Bastian cheated on her with one of her assistants (Judy Greer) and is dejected. Right before they’re set to be married. What’s a global superstar and music icon to do?
Kat sees Charlie holding the sign. She forces him onstage. They proceed to get married on live TV. It’s a publicity stunt, but it grabs headlines.
Charlie got “married” because he thought he could help Kat out. He knows it isn’t real.
Kat also knows it’s a charade but she proposes Charlie goes along with the ruse for a couple of months just because.
Charlie agrees to be fake married because it serves the plot.
Kat and Charlie see each other for social functions and to promote whatever Kat is peddling at the moment.
Have you read the script? Did you see this before I reviewed it?
As they spend more time together, Kat and Charlie seem to be developing feelings for each other. Kat even spends time in Charlie’s classroom and eventually goes to Charlie’s house to meet Lou.
While Charlie is putting Lou to bed, Kat looks around the house to get a feeling of how Charlie and Lou live. Kat steps on a loose floorboard. She notices something below the floor.
It’s a corpse. Kat lifts the floorboard to see what kind of corpse it is and then sees another corpse. Right next to that corpse is someone tied up with a gag in his mouth. He’s trying to scream but there’s no intelligible sounds. Kat thinks about removing the gag but instead takes the floorboard and pummels the man until he’s no longer breathing. Kat then takes his wallet from his dead body. His name was Gill Billiam. She then puts the floorboard back where it was.
Yes. She’s very quiet. Kat has done this type of thing before. She looks on her phone to see that Gill Billiam has been missing for about 3 days. Police are looking for him.
But they won’t find him. Not if Kat has anything to do with it. Because Kat is starting to fall in love. Everyone knows there’s nothing like 3 bodies under the floor to bring 2 complete strangers together.
Marry Me? Bury me is more like it.
What Works With Marry Me
- Jennifer Lopez’s best lead performance since Out of Sight. She was stellar in Hustlers, but that was more of a supporting role. Granted, J-Lo playing a music superstar isn’t that much of a stretch at all and the character itself could have just been called Jennifer Lopez.
- Sarah Silverman steals all her scenes in appropriately limited screentime. Whenever Parker appears onscreen is the only time Marry Me feels like it’s kind of deviating from formula. Mostly because you rarely know where the jokes are coming from.
What Doesn’t Work With Marry Me
- There’s nothing in the movie that separates it from any romantic comedy that’s ever been made. You wonder why the eff it took 3 credited screenwriters to make something so cookie cutter. Efficient direction by Kat Coiro keeps things brisk so you’re not dwelling on the negative too much. The movie accomplishes what it sets out to do. You already know what you’re getting yourself into.
Marry Me is a perfectly acceptable romantic comedy, Mildly diverting and completely non-offensive. You will have a perfectly adequate time.
Buy It Here!
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.
© 2022 Noel Penaflor