Sex, money, drugs anyone? Wait. Or was it money, sex, drugs, and then more drugs..?
Let's Get Deep
I can't even tell you how many times I have wanted to press restart on this year. I had a decent job, things were relaxed, for the most part, I didn't have much to worry for, but my life was also sooooo boring. Day after day, I would drag my sorry ass into work, I ate out a majority of the time because I was always sad. A slave to the never ending cycle of what it really means to be in a 9-5 job.. Listening to the same people get upset about the same dumbass bullshit, getting stuck in between first shift and second shift and them pissing and moaning about how the other is worse, and nothing ever gets any better. Why? Because we are so deprived and have nothing better to do than to talk shit about and harass each other on the daily. And I was over all of it.
And slowly but surely, I just receded within myself. I became so compacted under the weight of my job, and life in general, as the whole fucked up mess that it truly is, I totally crumbled. I think I spent 2 whole days in bed and did nothing besides eating and relieving myself when I needed. Totally, one hundred percent, pathetic. Of course, when you suffer from depression and anxiety like I do, it's just not an easy thing to rise back out of. I was spiraling though, and I needed to do something FAST. So I forced myself to go to work, and face the day.
I had to! I live on my own, and I wear that badge with more pride than people who climb to the tops of mountains. Living on my own, as a 26-year-old FEMALE, that is my metaphorical Mt. Everest, and no easy feat, especially now. But I've almost made it to my 1st year of living on my own and that feels damn good. Being a strong, barely functioning, hot mess is totally amazing, and I'll be damned if I don't have myself paying off a mortgage in the next 4 years! And I know what you might be thinking. Damn girl, how the hell are you gonna do that? What's the secret formula, because I need it! Babe, if I knew that do you think my flabby ass would be sitting in front of the tv every night? Hell no!
The Start To a Great Hallows Eve
I can't tell anyone else what to do with their life or how to life it, But I can certainly walk you through some of the messed up experiences I've been through and hope you would at least sympathize with me a little. And I'm not just talking about being late to work, or working out to better your life (ew, who actually likes working out?), or, and this is the worst one, drinking to forget... Unfortunately for me, that's usually when my memory is the sharpest, and my brain face hurts the most the day after. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me queasy.
I can't possibly fathom how a majority of people drink on a regular basis and have fun doing it ALMOST ALL THE TIME?!??! No judgments! Actually I am impressed, truly. You must be a wizard of the highest order, and I bet that's how you feel while you're drunk too. That is, until you crash land into the beer pong table after realizing you can't dance up there. See, now your ankle is sprained and you chipped a toof. Sounds like the worst night ever if you ask me, that's all I'm saying.
That, of course, never actually happened to me, but I do have some crazy, juicy, stuff that I'm excited to share. But, because I suffer from the mental illnesses I mentioned before, as well as PTSD, since we're being so damn honest! My memory comes and goes like a vapor in the wind. It's not sad if you don't think about it though, so don't feel too bad for me. Or I might just have to find and punch you out.
As I was saying, Halloween was so incredibly anticlimactic but also, just what I needed, exactly when I needed it. I checked my mail midday and found the wigs I had ordered from the U.K. a month before had arrived. On Halloween day, exactly when I needed them the most! It made me so happy I literally punched my fists in the air and did a little victory dance in the middle of the street. I didn't even care if someone was looking at me right just then. I was ecstatic! So I took my wigs upstairs and immediately tried them all on, ahaha. I took some pics of myself in them, decided on one, and totally trashed my apartment trying to find a costume for Halloween night. I live near college town, there had to be something going on, right?
Before I fully knew what I was going to be for the eve, I saw on snap that a friend of mine was having a Halloween party. Bingo, baby! Just what I needed. I messaged him and asked him if I could swing by and told Guy that I would bring beers with me. I turned my attention back to the task at hand.
I'm the type of gal who has a tub full of old clothes and scrap fabric materials in my storage closet "just in case".
Some of you ladies know exactly what I'm talking about too. Sure, maybe it isn't a bunch of fabrics, but it's a bunch of somethings you don't really need. Do I ever sew? No. Do I have a sewing machine, materials, and a bunch of ideas though. Hell ya I do, and one of these days I'll get bored enough to start a project and never finish it :)
God Bless Snapchat and All It's Filters
@daniel_euan_henderson via Instagram
"Girls are like candles. They smell good, they're warm, they brighten up a room, and they can make you melt. But if you forget about them, they'll burn you're fucking house down."
— Daniel Euan Henderson
The True Story Behind Guy
So, the night wears on, an hour has come and gone and I finally decide that I am going to be a goth gypsy fortune teller. Something no one is going to get because it isn't mainstream at all but, my best friend is always right, and when she makes a suggestion it just makes sense to do exactly what she says. If that isn't true friendship, then I guess I have no idea what anything means, ever. But of course, the more I talked to her, the more I wondered if it was really going to be worth it to go to this stupid get together? Maybe I should back up for you guys a bit and fill you in about Guy so that you can understand why I would have second thoughts..
I met Guy on Tinder, and for the sake of his privacy, Guy isn't his real name, but before I go down this rabbit hole, I assure you that he is a real person. I mean, some of this shit you just honestly can not make up.
So, Guy and I had been chatting, fell out of touch, and then somehow ended up finding each other once again. Being a romantic, I mistakenly thought that it could be fate or something. Let me tell you how much it was NOT. After snapping back and forth Guy randomly decides to invite me to hang out by the pool at his place, but was admittedly also very vague about the whole affair. It's the middle of summer, I never really get out and I thought, sure. You know what, chilling by the pool with a handsome redhead sounds way better than sitting on the couch doing nothing.
So I got nice and smooth, put on a sexy bikini, and I headed out to his place, which happened to be on a golf course by the way. Fancy. I thought that at the time. I find out later that Guy was staying there for the summer. Kewl. So I get to the front office parking lot and wait for Guy to roll up and take me the rest of the way to his place. He rolls up on a golf cart and I am immediately terrified by the child sitting next to him.
What the fuck? He didn't say anything about there being kids. Is that his kid? Ohmygawd, what the fuck is happening right now??!
Those were some of the thoughts going through my head as this was all unfolding before me. If you know me at all, you know that me and kids do NOT go together, because they scare the absolute shit out of me. Honestly? I totally wanted to turn my car around and speed the fuck outta there. I tried dating a guy with a kid once already, and he was waaaaaay too into himself and emotionally retarded, BUT one bad experience does NOT mean all dads are like that. So, I followed him back to his place, potential daddy duties be damned.
Then we came upon his trailer home..?
Well that is definitely not the log cabin off the lake that I imagined it to be. Okay, so he's babysitting his sister's kid today, and he lives in a trailer home and owns a golf cart. That's kewl, that's kewl.. He did say he was just staying here for the summer right? Totally not a big deal.
And It Continues..
Eventually, after some awkward silence and small talk we started our walk to the pool. Which the whole of the small community that lived there had access to, which I also imagined was private for some reason, as in, privately owned. Mind you, this is during a spike in Covid cases at the height of summer. I was having a hard enough time trying to keep my upper lip from sweating, not to mention the perspiring I was trying to hide because of being next to a tall, sexy, beach bodied surfer look alike. So I really wasn't prepared for what happened next.
We enter the gate surrounding the pool and Guy introduces me to his sister, her girlfriend or 2 years, and not only does she have a son, but she has a daughter also. I have to admit, the kids were pretty cute, but WHY THE HELL AM I MEETING THESE PEOPLE ON A FIRST DATE?! DX< But wait, THERE'S MORE. Because not only is his sister, her kids, and her girlfriend there, but his brother is there too! At this point, I am just putting on a brave face until this gets to be over.
Have you never done this before? This is too much all at once buddy. No sane woman wants to meet half of your family on a first date! What in the actual hell?! Ohmygawd, what if this turns into a weird shotgun wedding or something even crazier? I have got to get out of here, but how? Ugh, okay. It's not that bad. It's a beautiful day, the sun is out, just have fun...
Long story short, I ended up feeling super weird because I didn't even get buzzed, somehow decided it was okay to have sex with a total stranger that I barely knew at the time (but so hot, seriously. Total smoke show), and then I ended up getting a little drunk, witnessing Guy have a little bit of a melt down for no real reason, played quarters with a big group of people, and of course, ended up meeting Guy's dad when he handed me a shot of fireball whiskey. So, before the night was officially over, I almost met Guy's entire family! The drinking helped of course, but it was still a very weird night over all. I will say I did have fun though, once I was able to take the edge off. And I only went out with Guy 4 more times after that. Don't hate the player, okay?
Tell Me How You Really Feel
Do You See Where I'm Coming From Now?
So, I'm clearly having reservations about going to Guy's stupid Halloween party, which he didn't even think to invite me to in the first place, by the way. I mean, ya, we're not exclusive and that's whatever, but it still feels nice to be invited, that's all I'm sayin'.
At this point I'm already dressed up and Guy still hasn't gotten back to me about this get together he is having. I decide to go to the liquor store and pick up a 6 pack of Loon Juice ciders (3/10 do not recommend if you like sweet cider beers by the way. Much too bitter and more true to an actual hopy beer for my taste). And I head back to my place and finally get a, "Sure, head on over. It's at so-and-so's house."
I have no idea where these people live and it agitates me that he wouldn't already understand that, which tells me that Guy is already pretty wasted. His signature move. Forget that shit. I'm not going to go to a party so I can end up babysitting some grown ass man baby. So, I did what any strong independent female would do. I ignored his dumbass! This bitch doesn't even bother to invite me over and thinks that I am just going to swing over so that he can "get lucky" at the end of the night? No thanks. I have way more respect for myself than all that bullshit.
So, I drank some Loon Juice, got a little turnt with myself, and watched some cheesy ass romantic movie, ordered in, and I don't regret it one little bit. For the majority of my life, I have always had a problem saying no to douche bag assholes because I'm too polite, or too much of a pussy and don't want to look bad. Plus, my dad was a total douche, rest his soul (a story for another time perhaps).
But, it's okay. It's okay to be selfish sometimes. To give yourself a break and kick people out of your life who only bring you stress. In all honesty though, I totally saw the son of a bitch last weekend.. *facepalm*