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'Loqueesha' (2019) An Insane Movie Review

Don't we all have a little Loqueesha deep down inside of us? No. This is stupid.

loqueesha-2019-an-insane-movie-review

I'm Lost

From the moment the end credits mercifully graced my vision, I knew that Loqueesha was going to be difficult to critique. Truth be told, even as I sit at my keyboard this very moment, I haven’t the faintest idea how to properly discuss this thing that few may call a “movie”. This isn’t a joke or some humorous introduction, I honestly don’t have a plan of approach on my review here, I’m simply winging it as I type away at my laptop. Not a single shred of direction for my writing because Loqueesha is so perplexing and surreal to me that I’m not even sure I actually saw this 100 minute fiasco. There are times that I am legitimately convinced that this was all the product of a feverish nightmare conjured up by bad sushi. Even though I haven’t eaten sushi in months.

How in the world do I talk about Loqueesha?! It’d be easy to rack it up as one of the worst films of 2019 and call it a day. Normally I give myself about a day or two before I start writing my reviews on a film, just so I can be sure to let all of the content sink in for as long as possible while still remaining fresh enough in my mind to easily examine. Five days have now passed since my viewing of this cyclone of cinematic destruction and it’s been one hell of a personal reflective period. Every day that went by I contemplated life; what am I doing with mine, why do I spend so much of it watching the bottom of the barrel crap when I instead could spend my remaining years on this Earth more wisely, where has film as a whole gone, is there even beauty in this artform I love so much anymore, is Loqueesha the most racist movie I’ve seen since Birth of a Nation? Am I even qualified enough to talk about a movie as bad as Loqueesha? Which is quite possibly The Room of 2019.

You're tearing me apart, Loqueesha!

You're tearing me apart, Loqueesha!

Frankly, my strange little odyssey got to the point where I wasn’t even positive that I was going to write a review at all. Being the obsessive film aficionado that I am, I knew that I absolutely needed to review Loqueesha. All I needed was to figure out specifically how. I guess this article is all about my path in discovering how to talk about one of the most confusingly atrocious films to be released this year. Buckle up, kids. It’s going to be a bumpy ass ride!

The Plot

In my opinion, IMDb summarizes the movie best so I’m just going to recycle it.

A white guy pretends to be a black female talk radio host and becomes a huge hit.

The… Story?

The only way that I can come up with talking about Loqueesha is by touching on the narrative first; point by point, scene by scene, explaining this mess as best as I can. In order to guarantee that I incorporate as much data from the film as humanly possible for this review… I will be re-watching essentially the entirety of the movie all over again for this. Two viewings of one terrible flick, all for one little review. So not worth it, but here we go. Be warned. SPOILERS AHEAD.

Alright, I can do this. Joe (Jeremy Saville) is a bar tender who gives the most generic fortune cookie advice of all time. Advice so ridiculously shallow and pseudo-philosophical that anyone could come up with this hokey “enlightenment” off the top of their heads.

Woman in Bar {After receiving relationship advice from the almighty Joe, basically referring her as an idiot}: “Wow! And I thought this drink was strong!”

Joe: “You want another?”

Woman in Bar: “You trying to get me drunk?”

Joe: “No… I’m trying to sober you up.”

By the way, I'm pretty sure the old man lives in that bar.

By the way, I'm pretty sure the old man lives in that bar.

That section above is a prime example of how “witty” our protagonist is with his supposedly life-changing words of wisdom. His advice is so easy that my pretentious ass back in high school was coming up with better cheeseball clichés to spew out to the pretty girls than this dude. Anyways, getting back on track. This is how the movie opens, Joe providing random advice to his fellow bar patrons. The woman [Rachel] that Joe talks to about how she’s the problem in her own relationship, played by Tiara Parker, is so blown away by his skillfully worded monologue that she actually tries aiding our helpful bar tender in getting a gig as a talk show radio host. Is Rachel some sort of producer? Does she work in radio? Is she a talent agent of some kind? As far as I can tell, no. There’s no actual information from what I can recall about what Rachel does for a living, but from what was supplied by the script, she was a fellow citizen that liked the words of white boy Joe and so happened to come across an ad in the newspaper for the radio host position.

Because this was totally from a professional advertisement.

Because this was totally from a professional advertisement.

Now while thinking about it, the advice Joe gave to Rachel wasn’t even good by this movie world’s standards as she claims that his help for her personal “transformation” to leave her lying and unfaithful boyfriend, yet later on it’s revealed that she ignored Joe’s guidance and got back together with her ex anyways. So really, this dude’s enlightenment sucks from a realistic and a fictional standpoint.

Jackass.

Jackass.

Scroll to Continue

Initially declining Rachel’s offer, literally nine seconds of screen time pass for Joe to realize that he needs some significant income since he is being forced by his ex-wife to independently pay for his son to transfer to a more prestigious school. Seriously, at no point does the matter get brought up about the fact that maybe the two parents should share the responsibility of funding their son’s education equally. Instead, for some unknown reasons, the mother declares Joe to be fully responsible for figuring out a way in paying for an overly expensive new school so their son may attend. Not entirely sure how that works, but apparently because this mother claims that the father should unrealistically provide for a school that is clearly outside of this bar tender’s budget, then it’s totally fine? When Joe attempts to bring up other solutions that would instantly end this movie radically sooner, they are quickly dismissed by his Ex to ensure the plot moves forward. Now he’s automatically onboard with the idea of applying for the talk radio host position in hopes to make some real money.

You have to pay for our son's education because "Nanna nanna, boo boo". I'm a b*tch!

You have to pay for our son's education because "Nanna nanna, boo boo". I'm a b*tch!

Introducing… Loqueesha.

loqueesha-2019-an-insane-movie-review

Upon being rejected for Joe’s own radio talk show, Rachel takes her leave from the picture for the next forty minutes of screen time. Not exaggerating, the Rachel character completely vanishes from all existence in regards to story and character development. Joe does not once acknowledge this character until she spontaneously turns into his romantic interest over halfway through via phone call. In the meantime, Joe has accepted his fate of never reaching public acclaim or financial success. Then one magical afternoon occurs when Joe so happens to be watching the most horribly chroma keyed television program of all time which sparks a crazy epiphany for our hero; no one wants to hear the opinions of some white guy, what society really wants is to listen to a black woman. Birthing the sassy suburban ghetto queen alter ego through the voice of Joe himself, Loqueesha.

The inspiration that started it all...

The inspiration that started it all...

Pause For a Second

When it comes to comedy, there is almost no subject too taboo to find humor in. From my perspective, it doesn’t matter how dark or controversial a subject is, if there is something truly funny that can be pulled out of any topic then it is relatively unrestricted territory; so long as the humor doesn’t necessarily come from a hateful basis. Whether it be based on race, gender, politics, religion, sexuality, persecution, physical abuse, disease, famine, suicide, depression, war, murder, molestation; you name it and it’s been done in the name of comedy. Ultimately I’m not stating that humor similar to what is being represented here cannot be done, that is not what I am saying at all. Blazing Saddles is one of the greatest comedies of all time and no doubt contains writing that is lightyears away from being anywhere near politically correct. Silver Streak is one of Gene Wilder’s and Richard Pryor’s best films and that has a scene containing Wilder in “black face”. Tropic Thunder is a brilliant satire with a hilarious performance by Robert Downy Jr., who also spends the entire runtime in “black face” as well.

Back to Loqueesha

Loqueesha-Joe.

Loqueesha-Joe.

You know what the difference is between those three movies I listed off and Loqueesha? Those other three are funny. A couple of those examples contain some legitimately clever commentary, they have something interesting to say. Loqueesha is NOT funny and doesn’t have any form of intelligence written into its themes. This is simply a middle-aged white man that finds this stereotypical voice that he projects to be funny when in actuality it’s grating. The Loqueesha character isn’t one that is providing any kind of insight into a culture or race or gender, it’s a stereotype that barely sounds like what it’s supposed to. Setting aside the fact that this voice clearly sounds like a man and not a woman, half the time “Loqueesha” sounds more like an old homosexual redneck man rather than a black woman. I’m not convinced that anyone who heard this voice would instantly think to themselves, “this is clearly a black woman”. If I heard this voice on the radio or over the phone, like so many of the secondary characters do throughout the movie, I would immediately know that this was a dude putting on a weird impression. Especially in the segments where he’s talking as himself along with the Loqueesha voice and it is so obvious for anyone with half a brain to figure out that this is the same guy. Yet somehow Joe has the whole city of Detroit fooled with his charade, making this seem like the most moronic society ever put to screen.

However, I could forgive the fact that this isn’t trying to be smart satire or how blatantly this premise is being forced… if Loqueesha, herself, was funny. She’s not. To avoid confusion, I’m going to be referring to Loqueesha and Joe as two completely separate characters. Trust me, it’ll make sense later as to why. For now, strictly speaking about the Loqueesha character; she’s annoying. The voice is so godawfully raspy and off-putting that every time she opened her mouth I was ready to fill my ears with cat litter. Not only is the voice infuriating to listen to, but so is her advice. I’ll touch more on specifics down the line, for now I’ll just say that her advice is about as generic and misguided as Joe’s, only more brazen in her line delivery. I am not remotely convinced that this personality, this voice, or any of the falsely intellectual mumbo jumbo that Loqueesha farts out would reach the level of success and insta-fame that she is depicted in having here. Despite this being a comedy, there is nothing self-aware or humorous about the character of Loqueesha.

Real quote from movie: “I don’t know what I’m more impressed by; you as a black woman or your therapy techniques!”

Real quote from movie: “I don’t know what I’m more impressed by; you as a black woman or your therapy techniques!”

Back to the Story

Joe submits a demo audio reel of “Loqueesha” for the radio host job, a demo reel that is so astonishing that the moment that the two heads of an FM radio station suddenly realize that they need to completely switch their format to AM in order to incorporate this “black female” as their new host. Also, apparently this whole building that houses this professional radio station occupies all of one room for the performer and technician, one hallway, and one office that the two heads of this station literally never leave. Never. They live in that office. It’s their home. I’m sure of it.

We are literally seen nowhere else outside of this office.

We are literally seen nowhere else outside of this office.

Without meeting Loqueesha face to face or signing any sort of contracts in person, the two business heads sign her on and agree to never set sights on her or allow any other employee of the station to see her either. Supposedly letting Loqueesha and her very own personal producer, two total strangers, run ramped. Doing whatever they so choose without a single shred of supervision inside of the executives’ own station in the middle of the night for approximately four hours every night of the week. Yep. That’s how that works! All of the entertainment industry conducts business via sketchy telephone calls without ever personally meeting the talent or overseeing the new hires to make sure they don’t commit any questionable deeds. It’s fine. Totally fine. Nothing to worry about here. Professional.

Establishing Loqueesha’s prosperous launch through the power of a ten minute montage, the time comes for the brand new shining star to reveal herself to the world that she has taken by radio storm. Even local televised news broadcasts are rushing to report on this surprise radio hit sensation… slow news day? Resorting to Joe and his producer pal, who’s name escapes me and I don’t care enough to look up, to set up auditions for who will play the part of Loqueesha in the public eye. I smell another montage coming its way!

The lazy efforts that go into persuading the audience of Loqueesha’s success are laughable as it is clear as day that there is a ham sandwich budget trying so desperately to pass itself off as significantly larger. Digitally super imposed banners on the side of a bus appear as though it is just a jpeg file floating in front of stock footage. All social media accounts, posts, and webpages I’m pretty sure were constructed in Microsoft Paint. The only way the radio station heads are able to monitor Loqueesha’s ratings is by writing them down on a dry erase board that they record the statistics onto themselves with magic marker. Honestly, the only moments that drew any sort of amusement for me was seeing how cheap this production looked. Particularly when it came to this segment of the movie. The elements that I’m pretty sure aren’t supposed to be funny are the only funny thing present.