Coming to an End.
Wow. To think that a whole decade has gone by already just blows my mind. I mean really think about it. That’s ten years of ups and downs, smiles and frowns, laughs and tears, achievement and tragedy, love and hate, pride and regret, and a whole lot of unpredictability that we now look back upon in amusement and melancholy. At the beginning of the 2010s I was an 18 year old boy graduating from high school and moving onto art school. Now at the end of the decade, I’m nearly 28 and the whole world is different to me now. Life seems to do that without us realizing it. We go from day to day not catching onto the fact that the smallest of details are evolving our lives into something else, maybe something better or something worse or somewhere in between. Before we know it, it’s 2019 and we aren’t kids anymore; hell, some of us might have kids or even grandkids now. We look in the mirror to find that we aren’t the same person that we once were because we’ve grown into someone else. Relationships amongst certain individuals have come and gone, our current friends were total strangers a decade ago, and our homes have shifted in location from where we once found comfort.
Do me a favor and let that sink in before going into the next decade. Keep in mind all the little things, all the people in your lives, all the ups and down you’ll face, and cherish them. Yes, including the hardships because as odd as it sounds, they’re memories to learn from. Every memory, good or bad, has value. Love as much as you can love, enjoy every single instance possible, be in every moment and don’t let life slip by because it can definitely breeze quite swiftly. Don’t be the one that reaches the year 2029 looking back at all the wasted opportunities. Seize the day, the moments, the people, the world, everything. Not every day will be perfect, not every move made will be the right choice, not every year will work out as according to plan. That all does not matter because this is your life, live it the absolute best way that you can and try not to let anyone take that away from you. Feel every emotion in the book; don’t be afraid to be sad or angry, but also don’t let those emotions rule the person inside either. Be your best you, flaws and all.
And to end this bit of “philosophical mumbo jumbo” off properly… I would like to site the profound teachings of the great Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan.
Be excellent to each other.
— Bill S. Preston Esquire
Party on, dudes!
— Ted Theodore Logan
We’re Talking BAD Movies Now
Recently I wrote an article expressing my love for the phenomenal works of cinematic art that absolutely needed spotlighting from this exciting decade of the 2010s. Comprising a list of what I considered to be the best films of the entire decade; it was a completely subjective catalog of what I see being the greatest examples that film had to offer in the last ten years. And it was a total blast looking back on those fantastic movies! Now comes the time we take a peek into the opposite end of the spectrum; the movies that won’t be highly regarded as classics in due time. What I’m about to list off are basically the bottom of the barrel flicks that have no soul, some of the cheapest and ugliest productions ever projected on the big screen, the clearest specimens garnering zero talent in front of or behind the camera, and even in some cases lack a moral compass to such a degree that it is truly disturbing to watch. In layman’s terms, these movies are f*cking terrible!
Before getting started, there needs to be a few things discussed regarding the criteria required for the films to qualify onto my personal ‘Worst of the Decade’ list. Keep in mind that this is a completely subjective article, 100% from my perspective on the matter. So if someone reading this is legitimately upset about my entries on what I disliked from this particular decade then please, by all means, comment down below so that we may have a calm conversation on the matter. As long as a commenter is being polite and civilized in their opinions, then I don’t mind in the least talking about why I may be wrong on certain perspectives. Just don’t be a Class-A jerk though.
- Let's Talk About... The Best Films of the Decade! 2010-2019
The 2010s are coming to a close, why not take a look at the best movies this decade had to offer!
Another aspect to remember is that I have not seen absolutely everything to come out between 2010 and 2019, so there might be more obvious selections warranting a place on this list that may be missing. Meaning either I didn’t get around to seeing those particular trash heaps or I simply did not find the movie nearly as revolting as the more negative general public consensus had. For instance; Fifty Shades of Gray, Gotti, or any direct-to-video Nic Cage flick will not be making the list because there were a million times worse within their respective years alone. Plus Nic Cage is awesome and makes everything that he’s in at least a smidge easier to sit through. Oh and for anyone wondering why Star Wars: The Last Jedi won’t be on this list, it’s because this is a list dedicated to focusing on what is actually terrible cinema. Get over the self-entitled, whiny fandom privilege and go watch a movie that is actually bad. Not just a middle of the road flick like The Last Jedi.
Lastly, the manner in which I have broken down the list may seem somewhat odd and complicated. Bear with me for a moment. First of all, a big rule I made for myself was to only pick ONE movie per year between 2010 and 2019. So there won’t be a huge bombardment of selections within any single year, as much as it pains me not to include some real pieces of junk on here, I want to maintain a concise list to the best of my abilities. With that said though, I have allowed myself a few exceptions; such as a ‘Dishonorable Mentions’ section for every year listed and also there are certain years that I felt necessary to break down further in what I considered to be the worst.
To explain what I mean a little further, I have introduced two separate “awards” to the movies selected to be the worst of their respective years; worst movie on a technical quality and a moral standpoint. Even though one movie may be the worst in terms of filmmaking, production, and writing, another could exceed that said flick on ill-conceived morals that I can’t so easily disregard. Rather than ignoring one over the other, I’ve decided to include both to acknowledge what I perceive to be their atrocious merits. Not every year in my list has both of these categories and will only include one selection in each. It is only based on the particular years I had ran into such a situation.
Anyways, without further ado, here is my list of the “Worst Films” of the decade. Enjoy!
- Tooth Fairy
- Cop Out
- The Back-Up Plan
- Survival of the Dead
- The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- Grown Ups
- The Last Airbender
- Step Up 3D
- Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
- My Soul to Take
- Saw 3D: The Final Chapter
- Yogi Bear
- Little Fockers
- Sex and the City 2
- Fred: The Movie
A Serbian Film
The Plot: An aging porn star (Srdjan ‘Zika’ Todorovic) agrees to participate in an “art film” in order to make a clean break from the business, only to discover that he has been drafted into making a pedophilia and necrophilia themed snuff film.
My Thoughts: Thinking back to 2010, I initially found it difficult to figure out what was necessarily the worst of that year. Sure, there were plenty that I didn’t care for and were certainly bad, but nothing that stood out as the clear choice. Cop Out? A bad comedy, but nothing all that special in its badness. Twilight: Eclipse? There were worse Twilight installments than that. The Last Airbender? Pretty terrible, but at least it’s hilariously bad. Then the rest of the “Dishonorable Mentions” I couldn’t even muster up a smidge of passion to get angry about. Truthfully, it seemed relatively hopeless and I was going to just select at random choice because I cared so little from the options I had rediscovered.
Taking a little look deeper into what 2010 had to offer, it hit me like a freight train. A Serbian Film is one of the most obnoxious exploitation movies to come out in the last forty years. Why? Because it’s an exploitation movie under the impression that it is saying something important about society when really it’s being pretentious as hell while including “shocking” imagery for the sake of being “shocking”. This isn’t actually being shocking or provocative though in any way shape or form, it’s an “artist” believing themselves to be the next Lars Von Trier when they’re really the self-absorbed jackass who claims to be saying something important by mostly grossing out the audience in order to “disturb” them. This isn’t disturbing, thought provoking, clever, or entertaining; instead what we have is annoying, uninteresting, disgusting, and overall a waste of time.
Yes, I understand that the movie sets out to be gross and unsettling; this isn’t an example of those tactics being done right in a film. Just because it achieves its own depraved goals, does not automatically make it a good product. Especially one so ugly in its cheap production value and lackluster acting. There is exploitation that can be done to fantastic degrees and there are others that fall flat on their face. Caligula is one of the most absurd exploitation movies ever made and it is hands down one of my favorite films of all time. Going back to director Lars Von Trier and his exploitive efforts occasionally accomplishing some solid entertainment value. Exploitation filmmaking is like any other genre, there are great and terrible examples of how to make it. A Serbian Film is the latter. So I suppose I’m happy for the filmmakers who were determined in making a gross out feature without a thought put in its head. However, in terms of making a legitimately good movie, they missed the mark entirely.
- Green Lantern
- Gnomeo & Juliet
- Sucker Punch
- The Tree of Life
- The Smurfs
- Jack and Jill
- The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
- Spy Kids 4-D: All the Time in the World
- Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon
The Plot: Taking place before the events of the 1982 feature, John Carpenter’s The Thing; At an Antarctica research site, the discovery of an alien craft leads to a confrontation between graduate student Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and the rest of her team. One by one, the researchers are being digested by the alien creature in order to replicate their human host and infiltrate the remaining survivors until there is no one left alive.
My Thoughts: Look… I already went into great length and detail on exactly why I hate The Thing prequel; point by point, practically touching on every minute of screen time. If anyone reading cares to look into my critical analysis any further, I will leave a link here. For everyone else, here’s the short version because I really don’t have the energy to rip into this lazy cash-in all that excessively again.
The story is a total retread of the Carpenter masterpiece, the acting is uninspired, the writing makes no sense from a character point, there is zilch in the way of ambition for conducting suspense, and the special effects are a slap in the face for anyone who holds dear John Carpenter’s classic prime example of practical effects. I hate the prequel/reboot/remake… a “premabootquel” if you will. 2011’s The Thing is one of the most glaring ways to show disrespect to a master filmmaker and his fans. Let it die in a fire.
- The Devil Inside
- The Raven
- Chernobyl Diaries
- Total Recall
- The Apparition
- Paranormal Activity 4
- Silent Hill: Revelation
Technically: The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
The Plot: The Oogieloves [a Teletubbies knockoff] Goobie, Zoozie, and Toofie [I hate them], set out to find five magical balloons that will make their good friend Schluufy’s [a mentally challenged sentient pillow case] surprise birthday party extra special.
My Thoughts: This is where I start branching off my selections slightly in what I consider to be the worst on a technical aspect and what is the worst on grounds of morality. The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure is the clear loser of everything to do with production value. Setting aside the fact that this movie’s content isn’t intelligent enough to appease an infant, everything visually speaking about this film is some of the most incompetently designed and crafted aesthetics ever projected on the big screen. Oh yes, Oogieloves was indeed a theatrically released feature. No, not some limited run that only saw all of ten theaters across the nation. Not the case at all, this thing was actually displayed in over 2,000 theaters. Now, at this point, one would probably think to themselves, “Alright, as hard as it is to accept that Oogieloves was in 2,000 theaters in America, it must have at least made money beca