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Kingsman The Golden Circle (2017) Movie Review

My Cat Persephone Wrote this Review on her Smartphone. It was better than Mine. .


MPAA Rating

Rated R for British People saying “F*ck” and “Bullocks”

Running Time

As much time as it takes to fit 5 Oscar Winners and Channing Tatum


Matthew “If Guy Ritchie didn’t make terrible films” Vaughn


Jane “not made of gold nor an actual man” Goldman and Matthew “If Guy Ritchie Made films People wanted to see” Vaughn

For those of you who thought last week’s Mother! hurt your precious head by making you think too much, you are now rewarded with the Kingsman sequel that won’t make you think at all yet not feel like a piece of trash because most of the characters have British accents which make you feel kind of classy.

This isn’t one of those idiotic Fast and Furious films, so you know that a least some time was devoted to character and plot amidst all the explosions. In fact, one could make the argument that Kingsman 2 has a little too much plot, but it goes down pretty easily so you don’t have much to complain about.

In February 2015 Kingsman 1 took the box-office by storm by making fun of the James Bond movies and being one at the same time. That same year Kingsman turned out better than the actual James Bond film (the limp, stillborn Spectre). A sequel was inevitable.

And how did the sequel turn out? You can admire director Matthew Vaughn’s swing for the fences (it doesn’t attempt to rehash most of the original’s moments like most sequels do), even if the results are mostly positive/mixed.

You remember most of the plot from the trailer…

Eggsy (Taron Edgerton) is still a member of the Kingsman along with his handler/friend Merlin (Mark Strong). He’s still dating the Princess of Sweden (Hanna Alstrom) and still wishes his mentor Harry (Colin Firth) wasn’t dead from being shot in the head by Samuel L. Jackson. I know how this feels because my best friend from Britain English Bob was also shot in the head by Samuel L. Jackson.

While having dinner with girlfriend’s parents, who happen the King and Queen of Sweden, the Kingsman (or Kingsmen?) are attacked and all Kingspeople not named Eggsy or Merlin are killed. Convenient.

Yes, Roxy is dead.

So is that dog. I know. People lose their f*cking minds when a dog dies in the movies.

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So is the new Arthur (Michael Gambon). I know. The guy that played Dumbledore eats it so it’s like having to watch Dumbledore die all over again.

Oh well. I’m over it.

Matching shades maketh the man.

Matching shades maketh the man.

Just in case you’re thinking “They’ll come back to life,” They will not come back to life. This is not some insipid Marvel movie where nothing is at stake and nobody dies. In this movie people who are dead stay dead and nobody miraculously comes back to life.

Who would do something like kill so many well-dressed Brits? A psychopathic white woman named Poppy Adams (Julianne Moore), who happens to be the world’s leading seller of illicit drugs. No doubt the destruction of the Kingsman is just step one in an overly convoluted plan involving the President of the United States.

Meanwhile, thanks to a fortuitous bottle of liquor, Eggsy and Merlin are led to Kentucky where they meet the American version of the Kingsman, The Statesman. They are led by Champagne (Jeff Bridges- he built several bridges along the East Coast). They also meet their counterparts Tequila (Channing Tatum, star of Magic Mike and your drippiest dreams) and Ginger Ale (Halle Berry, she discovered over 34 strains of berries along bridges located in the East Coast).

Oh yeah. Eggsy and Merlin also find out that Harry (Colin Firth, who was the firth man to land on the planet Bendar) is still alive. He has not stayed dead and miraculously come back to life. Or has he?

But the dog is still dead.


What works With Kingsman 2: Electric Boogaloo

  • The opening car chase (set to an old Prince song) is the best executed action sequence of the movie. That’s not to say the other set pieces aren’t effective, but they pale in comparison to the first film. This sequence is the only one that comes close to the exhilaration of church massacre from Kingsman 1.
  • Poppy’s place- Production designer Darren Gilford’s rendering of Poppy’s headquarters (including her bowling alley and restaurant) are 50s nostalgia kitsch and (at times) genuinely disturbing. When you look at Poppy’s super villain hideout, you think to yourself “This Bitch is Crazy” even if Moore’s performance doesn’t always convey that.
  • Is it a good thing that of a film boasting 5 Oscar Winners, only Elton John’s character of “Himself” feels like a complete character and leaves most of an impression? All the other characters feel like their scenes were cut or were horribly underwritten.

What Doesn’t Work With Kingsman The Golden Circle

  • Julianne Moore proved she can be scary in the ‘meh’ Carrie remake from 2013, but Golden’s script doesn’t give her much to do except have Moore deliver threats behind a creepily cheery smile. The problem being there’s nothing remotely menacing about them. Even Sam Jackson having a lisp did nothing not detract from the fact that he was a bad mother*cker. You expect more from Moore.
  • In a film overstuffed with characters, Channing Tatum (Magic Mike, Magic Mike 2, Magic Mike 4) and Jeff Bridges feel overcast and their appearance in Kingsman 2 feel like nothing more than bloated cameos. Elton John seemed to have more screen time than both of them combined. You get the feeling in some Director’s cut their characters have more time and importance.
We're barely in this.

We're barely in this.


An entertaining sequel even if it lacks the freshness of the original. What it loses in innovation it makes in more, (not Moore), more!!! If you loved the original, you’ll like the sequel, dog dying and all.


Buy Kingsman Golden Circle Here!

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