Hey you. I wrote this Review Just for You because I like you.I also like pizza.
146 Dino-mite Minutes
Emily Carmichael and Colin Trevorrow (Screenplay), Derek Connolly (Story)
PG-13 For Dino Carnage and Karaoke
After 29 years and 35 people looking at giant screens at a flashing red light indicating that yes a dinosaur is indeed loose in the park, the Jurassic hexalogy finally comes to an end.
Personal story- I remember seeing the first Jurassic Park back in 1993 on the big screen. Thank you. I don’t normally share personal stuff like that when I’m writing a review. I’m grateful I could be open and vulnerable with complete strangers and not have you do what those Catholic priests did right before my 7th birthday. And after my 8th birthday. And 2 weeks before my 10th birthday. Good thing after I turned double digits I aged out of special priestly attention.
Anyway, as you’ve seen from the trailers, Dominion has the main cast members from the first Jurassic Park returning to wreak havoc on the natural world with their unholy and heathen ways.
If you’ve seen the previous 5 films, then you know that after the 5th film is the 6th one.
Personal Story- I just took a DNA test, I’m 100 percent Jeff Goldblum’s son. Dad, if you’re, um, reading this, um, then I’m ready to come home. Yah.
Dominion opens with a long exposition dump disguised as a news report just in case it’s been awhile since you’ve seen Fallen Kingdom.
It’s been 4 years since Isla Fisher sunk into the ocean because of that volcano. Dinosaurs and humans are forced to coexist and it’s not entirely peaceful. Dinosaurs randomly eat people and pets and people won’t STFU about their podcasts. You can’t even go to the movies or a school without someone being shot or a dinosaur adopting a pod of Incels.
Sooner or later, something has to give because dinosaurs and humans were not meant to coexist. Except in Canada where humans and their dinosaur brothers and sisters get along just fine.
We meet Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard, wearing normal f*cking shoes this time) and she’s still a rebel with a soft spot for dinosaurs. Claire and some actors from Fallen Kingdom are cracking down on illegal breeding on an unauthorized dino farm. Claire and Co set the dinosaur free to kill random campers in about 48 hours.
Another job well done for Claire, and she’s off to go home.
But home is a very secret and special place in the middle of nowhere. Why is Claire so secretive? Because her and her live in boyfriend/possible fiancé/possibly sibling Owen Grady (Chris Pratt- Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, The Magnificent Seven) have to keep themselves out of sight.
Why? Because of the girl clone Maisie Lockwood (Isabella Sermon). You remember her from Fallen Kingdom. The world must not know a cloned human exists, or else it would just get f*cking crazy because living with dinosaurs next door to you is just fine but having a dinosaur as your Lyft driver and a cloned human is just too much to take.
Owen and Claire want to protect her from the world. But Maisie is getting older, and she’s getting more curious. She’s breaking the boundaries Owen and Claire set for her and going into town, making TikTok videos under the handle @GeorgeCloney.
Cl-owen are mad that Maisie could have been spotted since very few people know she exists. Maisie says she was careful and no one spotted her.
In the distance there’s a creepy looking guy looking at their house. He speaks into a phone in a voice that doesn’t sound skeezy at all, “We’ve found her.” Then he takes some deep breaths into it before hanging up, which probably wasn’t necessary.
Meanwhile, there are some giant locusts devouring farms across the Midwest. They’re taking out entire crops and if they continue will f*ck up the food chain for the entire world. Dr. Ellie Sattler (Oscar Winner Laura Dern) has been investigating these locust attacks and finds them very disturbing because they look…genetically engineered.
Who or what or how or where would so such a thing? It couldn’t be the giant conglomerate innocuously named Biosyn with their corporate villain CEO Lewis Dodgson (Campbell “Soup” Scott) who might as well have been named Evil White Corporate Villain for all the smarm he imbues when he’s onscreen.
Dr. Sattler will have to enlist the help of an old friend, Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill- Thor Ragnarok) to help infiltrate Biosyn.
Good thing they know someone on the inside. Someone with their own show on Disney Plus (streaming now for only $7.99 a month plus your child’s DNA for completely harmless purposes so you don’t have to ask).
Okay, it’s Jeff Goldblum. We all know his character’s name is Ian Malcolm but you see him onscreen and just think “Jeff Goldblum”.
Do you think Creepy Stalker Guy who had a lock of Maisie’s hair and is now wearing her training bra has something to do with Biosyn? And will these storylines intersect so that two generations of Jurassic will finally share screen time?
I won’t spoil it but ___ (rhymes with “dress”).
Apparently there will also be some dinosaurs.
What Works With Jurassic World Dominion.
- A rooftop chase hinted at during the advance promos is the best set piece of the movie. It feels like something you’d see in a Bond film and is something different from the usual action you’d expect from the franchise.
- The legacy characters are more or less central to the main story and aren’t characters awkwardly shoehorned in for cheap fan service (see: Spider-Man: No Way Home). Every character gets at least one scene to shine and/or get chased by a dinosaur.
What Doesn’t Work With Jurassic World Dominion.
- With 5 movies in almost 30 years, there’s very few things you see in Dominion that you haven’t seen in any of the previous Jurassic movies. More than ever, you know the story beats almost to the moment. If there’s been 5 minutes and a dinosaur hasn’t shown up, then you’ve passed out or passed away.
- Dominion has been labeled as the “epic conclusion” to the Jurassic movies, yet it feels like more of a whimper than a roar because everything feels so familiar. You enjoy the Jurassic Avengers finally getting together, but you wish it could have served a better story, especially near the end.
As far as final films go, this fun but familiar time in the Jurassic era should have been a lot better. You have a diverting enough time, but you leave the theater feeling the Jurassic films peaked with Fallen Kingdom and the original Jurassic Park. But if you’ve gone this far, no review will stop you from seeing Dominion. Just temper your expectations. “Epic” is quite a stretch.
3 out of 5 Goldblums.