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Interview with Snow White

Snow White poster - 1937

Snow White poster - 1937

Interview with Snow White

Have you ever seen that amazing animated feature film, "Snow White”? I wanted to interview the lovely heroine but we just could not seem to connect. Either she was cavorting with her Handsome Prince or visiting her Seven Dwarf buddies.

But you know how persistent I can be, so finally after exchanging numerous f-mails we met at Ye Olde Tea Shoppe. I can hear you asking, “What are f-mails?” No, they are not scatological messages. The ‘f’ stands for Fairy Tale.

Are you doubting my veracity? Then you must not be aware of my super-special, supernatural ability to interview not only infamous, although now dead, celebrities like Cleopatra, but also weird animals and even psychic vegetables. But that’s another story, I mean, hub.

me – I want to thank you, Your Highness, Princess Snow White, for granting me this interview.

Snow White – No problem, I love talking . . . about myself. And you can call me Snow.

me – Thank you. I can’t help but wonder, are you living happily ever after?

Snow – What are you drinking? Are you living in a fairy tale? Have you forgotten my story?

me – Not really, but I would love to hear your version.

Walt Disney's "Snow White"

Disney's "Snow White" Film

Megan Fox

Megan Fox

Early Years

Snow – Do you know how I got my name? (Keeps talking). Once upon a time – that’s how all our stories began in those days – my beautiful and kind mother, the Queen, sat sewing by her window. It was winter and there was snow on the ground. As she sewed, she pricked her finger with the needle and three drops of blood fell upon the snow.

She said to herself: “I wish I had a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as this ebony window frame.” Then I was born. Thank God she chose the name, Snow White! Imagine me as Blood Red or Black Hair. Not!

My mother died when I was young. My father, the King, remarried and my stepmother was very beautiful on the outside but very evil on the inside. She was civil to me while my father was alive but he died when I was a teenager and she became the stepmother from Hell.

me – I remember reading about her Magic Mirror. Was she really such a narcissist?

Snow – She was constantly checking out her appearance and talking to the mirror. Saying nonsense like, “Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?” And the mirror would always answer, “Why you are, my Queen. You are the fairest of them all.”

me – The mirror could talk?

Snow – Of course, doesn’t yours?

me – Yes, in a manner of speaking. But since I am older than soil, I try not to pay attention.

Back to you. Why did your stepmother become so evil and mean as you grew up?

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Snow – She was jealous of me with my snow white skin, raven black hair, rosy red lips, perfect features, and voluptuous body. I was the Angelina Jolie / Megan Fox of that era.

me – How do you know the names of those movie stars?

Snow – We do not live in a vacuum in our kingdom, you know, we have Giggle.

me – You mean Google?

Snow – Whatever! Our castle was next to a beautiful forest and I made friends with all the gentle wild creatures that lived there – deer, rabbits, birds, moles, dust bunnies . . .

me – Dust bunnies?

Snow – I just threw that in to see if you were paying attention. I never saw a dust bunny in my life. We had dozens of servants to clean and cook and pamper us. I was lonely though with no BFFs.

As I grew to womanhood – that’s another phrase used back in the day – I dreamed of a handsome prince who would come riding up in a cool, white Exelero, rescue me, and take me off to his castle to be his wife. That was my fave wicked daydream.

me – Wicked?

Snow – You know . . . wicked! – cool!

me – I’m surprised that you use so many words and phrases popular with young people today. How did you learn them?

Snow – You forgot! Giggle! (She giggles).

The plot thickens

me – What made your cruel stepmother finally decide to be rid of you?

Snow – As I became more beautiful each day – it’s not bragging when it’s true, right? – my stepmother became more envious. She was still talking to her mirror, but one fateful day the mirror responded, You, my queen, are fair; it is true. But Little Snow-White is freakin’ awesome.”

me – Freakin’ awesome?

Snow – Just kidding. The mirror said, “Little Snow White is a thousand times fairer than you.” You can just imagine – how shall I put this? – at that moment the fecal matter hit the device that produces a current of air.

The queen became consumed by jealousy which gave her no peace. She summoned her faithful huntsman and gave him his marching orders: “Take Snow White to a remote spot in the woods and kill her. As proof of her death, bring her lungs and liver back to me for my dinner.” My stepmother was a piece of work.

me – Understatement of the year. What happened next?

Snow – The huntsman had been my friend and could not commit such a dastardly deed. I began to cry and that touched his heart. He took pity on me believing that wild animals would soon do his job for him. I promised to run deeper into the woods and never return. I may be unbelievably beautiful but I am not a knob!

me – A knob?

Snow – You know, a knob, an idiot. I learned much later that the huntsman killed a boar and brought its lungs and liver to my stepmother as proof of my death.

me – What a ghastly experience for you?

Snow – Ya think? I was devastated, alone, afraid and frightened to death. I ran through that forest all day until sundown to get far, far away from my evil stepmother. Just as it began to get dark I stumbled across a little house in the middle of the woods.

Roomy bed - Yes! Privacy - Not!

Roomy bed - Yes! Privacy - Not!

The Seven Dwarfs

Snow – I guess I should be more PC – Politically Correct – to call them little people but in those days they were known as dwarfs. The little house was owned by seven dwarfs who worked in a mine all day. Their door was open and no one was home.

me – How did you know that seven dwarfs lived in the house?

Snow – Duh? Everything was very small – a little table, seven little chairs, seven little settings of tableware, and seven little beds. I was very hungry and thirsty, so I ate a little bread and then I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep.

I tried each of the seven little beds and when I reached the seventh one, I lay down in it and instantly fell asleep – even though my legs hung over the end of the too short bed.

me – That part of your story sounds remarkably familiar like ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears.’

Snow – Sorry. Never heard of those bozos. Must have been before my time.

me – Were the Seven Dwarfs upset to find you in their house when they returned home?