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Impress Others with Winning Wedgie Techniques

Author:
impress-others-with-winning-underwear-strategies

Be socially couth in all situations with great wedgie techniques!

Consider wedgie techniques. We’ve all experienced the “butt crack” problem - you know, when your undies become bunched up in the cleft of your buttocks, causing an uncomfortable wedgie. Actually, I suppose not everyone has enjoyed this phenomenon – like my husband, for example. You see, in order for drawers to get trapped in your butt crack, you must first have a butt crack. Poor Johnny has such a flat butt that there is virtually no crack there - no hiney cleavage to speak of - so it’s not a problem for him or for other people (most often males) who resemble a frog in a pair of pants and the ones who take their noassatol tablets daily. Such individuals have little need for wedgie techniques.

Another group not affected by wedgies is the thong-wearing crowd. They seem to be genetically oblivious to wedgies, and in fact, they invite them and evidently embrace them, so they have no need of wedgie techniques. How anyone could endure this butt floss is beyond me, but each to his (or her) own!

For us “normal” folks, however, the problem is rampant, and this issue is not addressed by Miss Manners' writings. I know because I'm Southern, and we had to study Miss Manners extensively. Most of us seem to frequently have “Injun drawers” that sneak up on us. Perhaps you’ve been asked if you were going to the movies – you know, because you had “your seat all picked out.” This should tell you that you’re not “de-cracking” properly and others are witnessing your attempts, which is a faux pas in most social circles. Below are some strategies to help you de-crack with discreet wedgie techniques.

The thigh sneak

For this, you simply slide your hand slowly and nonchalantly up your thigh until you feel the edge of your drawers. Once this is accomplished, give the offending undies a slight tug – just enough to get them into a more comfortable position.

The fake scratch

For this wedgie technique, act as if you were scratching your lower back. Insert your hand into your underwear and push out with your fingers. Unless the garment is deeply imbedded in the crevice, the fake scratch is usually sufficient in returning your panties, briefs, or boxers into their normal position.

The quick snatch

The quick snatch involves grabbing your drawers and quickly pulling them out of your crack. When done in public, you must first avert the attention of onlookers before attempting this maneuver. You can point in any direction and say something like, “Hey – what kind of bird is that?” If you’re in a group of men, something like, “Damn! That girl isn’t wearing a top!” is extremely effective. Quickness is imperative here, as the attention of the onlookers will be diverted for only a second or two. Because of this, it’s best to practice the quick snatch at home in front of a mirror until you’ve completely mastered the skill.

The redneck grab

This is an unabashed, bold wedgie technique that is often used by rednecks, potheads, and drunks. The move is not intended to be subtle or secretive, and instead, is quite overt. It’s the I-don’t-give-a-damn-if-you-see-me-pull-my-drawers-out-of-my-butt-crack strategy, but it can be socially softened somewhat by pretending to be drunk or stoned, even if you are neither.

The high step

This is one of the most widely used wedgie techniques of all, but you must have a stair, a curb, or some other elevated surface on which to step in order for the move to be effective. To use this strategy, simply exaggerate the motion of stepping up onto the higher surface. For example, if it’s the left side of your drawers that’s trapped, step widely and extra high onto the stair or curb with your left leg. This action has about a 60% chance of success.

The sham stretch

This is an excellent strategy to use when both butt cheeks are affected. Begin with a small stretch, then place both hands on the small of your back, while uttering, “Oh, my aching back.” While your companions are wondering why your back is hurting from sitting on the couch and eating Cheetohs, you can subtly slide both hands down and free your underwear from its smelly prison.

The frontline

Some people don't realize that underwear can also be set free from a frontal attack. If you pull hard enough from the front, the drawers will be forced out of your crack. Of course, the problem here is that people might assume you're committing another private act in public that's an even bigger faux pas than retrieving your drawers, so you run the risk of being labeled a pervert or sexual miscreant instead of being just a run-of-the-mill rube. The choice is up to you.

The avoidance

This strategy is simple and is 100% effective – don’t wear any underwear! It might take some getting used to at first, but once you’ve mastered it, you’ll never again have to deal with those pesky “Injun drawers.” As an added bonus, you won’t be bothered with panty lines when wearing tight jeans, slacks, or skirts, either. It’s a win-win situation!

Which wedgie techniques are right for you?

Depending on your unique style and each individual situation, you'll need to master at least a couple of different wedgie techniques. As mentioned above, practicing in the privacy of your own home is paramount to success. Also, some strategies work better in certain situations than others will. It's best to have an arsenal of effective wedgie techniques at your beck and call.

Comments

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on February 16, 2011:

LOL, Bronson! Thanks for visiting!

Bronson_Hub from San Francisco, CA on February 11, 2011:

This completes me. All is well. Thank you.

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on December 06, 2010:

"A ton of research..." Funny, Alex!

Alex Tsui from Malaysia on December 01, 2010:

Really funny hub. Seems like you really did a ton of research there.

I was wondering what kind of medication is a noassatol tablet and then I suddenly got it- "no ass at all". Ha ha!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Jess, great to see you!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Celine, you are WAY welcome!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Yeah, Poetry - I know the type. Ugh!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Never heard that, Eth. Thanks!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Burning bush, kinda scary, huh??

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Hugs back, Quill!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Magic, practice makes perfect!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

LOL, Jtrader!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Anne, I'm glad. Thanks!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Mimind, thanks for visiting!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Schoolmarm, enjoy the techniques! lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

5minute, glad you got some chucks!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Good, Katie - you've solved the dilemma!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Thanks, Clearblue!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Good to see you, Prasetio!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Chris, you're a funny guy!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Right, Sheila. Unfortunately, HP didn't like that pic! lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Freta, how ya been, girlfriend??

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

List lady, you need to develop a special NYC method! lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Jeremey, too funny!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

DB, just be discreet!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Lizzy, I LOVE the fan idea! lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Many, many thanks, Greenthumb!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

Good choice, Orlando!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

De Greek, did you get my email?

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on November 27, 2010:

2be, the fast snatch is a good choice! lol

Jess Killmenow from Nowheresville, Eastern United States on November 21, 2010:

Wedgies are a perfectly appropriate response to many otherwise awkward social situations. Thank you, Habee

celinewayne on November 21, 2010:

habee... it's sooo funny *LOL mode*

thanks for this useful funny tips =D

poetryman6969 on November 20, 2010:

I definitely prefer this refined way of dealing with awkward social situations. Much better than that guy who thought everything was dirty so he went around kicking doors open so he would not have to touch them with his hands.

Ethel Smith from Kingston-Upon-Hull on November 17, 2010:

Lve this. I call such knickers "hungry a*se " ones :)

burning bush on November 14, 2010:

The extent to which you reached into the length and depth of your research demonstrates a stand-out desire to deliver a hands-on presentation. You are really a person who is in touch with the subject. Most informative. :o)

"Quill" on November 12, 2010:

Smiles... or the alternative is to toss them all out and go without... hate all male underwear... natural is OK...

Hugs

@MagicBoy from Qatar on November 09, 2010:

Hi there, a totally witty hub which kept me laughing all the way through..extremely helpful tips to save our butts..lol..Thanks for sharing..I got to start practicing now..Catch ya..

jtrader on November 06, 2010:

Studies have proven that the quick snatch is the most effective technique for men between the ages of 20 and 45. (Grave face)

msannec from Mississippi (The Delta) on November 05, 2010:

ROTFLMBO! Love it!

mimind from THE UNITED STATES on November 02, 2010:

I was skimming to see what my buddy hubbers have been writing this page title got my attention amusing though I never was into the wedgie craze even at school.

schoolmarm from Florida on November 02, 2010:

This is hysterical! Thank you so much I really enjoy a good laugh and now I have some new techniques to try!

the 5 minute membership site on November 02, 2010:

this is too funny!

Katie McMurray from Westerville on November 01, 2010:

LMAO, what a great look at wedgies. I'm surprised I haven't seen a series of tattoos like this..... I love this and will def be sharing and pulling this up at my next party.

You,ve listed all the reasons I don,t wear under britches ...

clearblue99 from Clear Blue Sky on November 01, 2010:

awesome hub!

prasetio30 from malang-indonesia on October 31, 2010:

another great hub from you, my friend. It's been so long I never met you. Good work. Prasetio:)

ChrisLincoln from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California on October 31, 2010:

Habee,

Thanks for the laugh

(Which is actually code for, "Thanks for the helpful tips.")

Oh, and congratulations on the restraint shown in only posting one photo. This could have been gruesome!

Chris

sheila b. on October 31, 2010:

It seems to me it's become stylish to look like the photo you began with. Really, I see so many girls with the thong and the low-riders, it must be fashionable. In their crowds, anyway.

Alfreta Sailor from Southern California on October 29, 2010:

Habee this is sooooo funny. Oh your poor hubby! Anyway I must learn to employ some of your more subtle methods. I had missed the redneck one until I read the comments. This is as usual one for the road. Speaking of, do you do stand up comedy? If not you should.

TheListLady from New York City on October 29, 2010:

This is hilarious - but oh so true. In order to be couth - I do appreciate it when people make the effort to dislodge a wedgie. No digging please.

I think it is an art form here in NYC because the 'quick snatch' won't work, for example - there are like 10 billion of us and there is no thinking, for a moment, that there is no one around (or a camera) to see what you are doing.

The avoidance works for me - as well as treasuring the old worn out drawers because they are not able to wedge successfully - they no longer have the mighty strength and elasticity.

Well, now that that you have given delightful names for these techniques maybe the one I have been forced to use with new underwear/drawers - can be called the 't-shirt tug' - this is when it looks like you are grabbing the edge of your t-shirt and pulling it down - but actually you are carefully grasping the edges of your underwear at the same time and then you gently pull all down - thereby dislodging the wedge. Repeat a block or two later but not again and again in the same location - because then it becomes obvious what you are doing.

I'll probably fall asleep tonight thinking of wedgies. Argh!

Thanks for a fun hub. Yay! And rated up! Hahahahahah!

Jeremey from Arizona on October 29, 2010:

I may have to try these techniques, I usually try to make a show of it and end up falling down!!!!

I am DB Cooper from Whereabouts unknown at this time on October 29, 2010:

What a bizarre and awesome hub topic. I'll have to try some of these "techniques" when I hit the town tonight.

Liz Elias from Oakley, CA on October 27, 2010:

ROFLMAOPMP!! This was so funny, by the time I got to the Redneck Grab, I could hardly see to read further!

**Wiping tears of laughter from eyes**

Annoying problem, indeed, and you've handled the topic with your own fine style of "out in your face" wit.

Another technique that sometimes works might be called "The Hokey Pokey Shakedown," in which you stick (whichever) leg out to the side, and give it a good stretching-shake down and away. You might be mistaken for someone with palsy, but that's much less socially frowned upon.

As a Southern Belle, you might make use of the ubiquitous fan, in summer, anyway, a combination of closing the fan and the fake backscratch...where the fan extends your reach to give the offending garment a proper shove...after which you can re-open your fan with an exaggerated flourish saying, "I do declare, this weather is positively beastly!"

;-) Thanks for the best laugh I've had all week. Voted up, rated funny, and tweeted!

GreenThumbLady from The Beautiful Earth on October 27, 2010:

Oh my gosh, I just laughed so hard it hurts. I never have this problem but I think I may be like your husband...a frog? lol This was just a fabulous hub. You made my night! thanks!

OrlandoC from Glen Ridge on October 27, 2010:

The High Step is definitely my weapon of choice.

De Greek from UK on October 27, 2010:

Hello?

As one of the three judges of this here competition may I just say that I consider this Hub to be a likely candidate for first prize? A candidate, mind you, not a cert.

May I also casually mention that we have formed a new charity, coincidentally called “The Three Judges Charity” and any contribution you may care to make to it shall be given the consideration it deserves?

Furthermore, I wish to give the lie to inaccurately spurious and dastardly rumours spread by a person who shall remain nameless (let’s call him Stan for argument’s sake) that we shall be happy with bribes of only chocolates and flowers? Naturally we live for literature and are doing this for the good of humanity, but any poor chump who thinks that he or she will have a chance in hell of winning this competition with a bunch of flowers, has another thing coming. ;-)

Pamela Lipscomb from Charlotte, North Carolina on October 26, 2010:

Hilarious! I really needed a laugh. I am guilty of the fast snaTch, I must say!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 26, 2010:

Now there's a great idea, Anglnwu! Teflon drawers!!

anglnwu on October 26, 2010:

This had me laughing of course. Love all your suggestions--have tried some myself. It's hard to be discreet when you can't stand another second of that wedgie torture. Wish someone can design undies with no-stick to butt--like teflon coated or something. Love it.

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 26, 2010:

What comment, De Greek? Where??

De Greek from UK on October 26, 2010:

So you didn't like my comment?

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 26, 2010:

Bell, glad you enjoyed it!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 26, 2010:

That sounds like you, Chris! lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 26, 2010:

Ha! Love it, AG!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 26, 2010:

No worries, Deb - I'm slow most days! lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 26, 2010:

Lol, Dallas!

thebellrecordsche on October 26, 2010:

haha it's too funny, The fake scratch!

carolina muscle from Charlotte, North Carolina on October 25, 2010:

ahh.. the immortal problem of the wedgie.. I just grab and smirk.

Attention Getter on October 25, 2010:

Good one - I use the quick snatch; although, I think I sometimes combine it with the redneck one if I get caught during the quick snatch...

DeBorrah K Ogans on October 25, 2010:

Habee, You are too funny and clever! WAIT! Don't laugh! But I thought this was actually going to be about a technique to share a portion of a hub! You know like a little wedge...? I guess I am a little slow today! lol

Thank you for sharing! Peace & Blessings!

Dallas W Thompson from Bakersfield, CA on October 25, 2010:

..It "cracks" me up!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Laurel, kinda scary, huh? lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Jackie, it's all about the crack! lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Drbj, clever little verse!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Leni, it's Stan Fletcher's own contest.

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Phyllis, glad it made you laugh!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Nell, I doubt I could last even 2.4 seconds!!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Many thanks, Kaie!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

HH, that's not me - I'd make three of that skinny mini! lol

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Wow, Martie - you are a true blue fan!!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 25, 2010:

Thanks, Stan. Your contest is mucho funno!

Laurel Rogers from Bishop, Ca on October 25, 2010:

Ah, habee-you've managed to stun me with your knowledge on the subject! Fabulous job!

bayoulady from Northern Louisiana,USA on October 24, 2010:

Only habee!Lol!!! Lady,you "crack" me up!

drbj and sherry from south Florida on October 24, 2010:

If you are removing a wedgie from between your cheeks.

It would be smart to use Holle's brilliant techniques.

Leni Sands from UK on October 24, 2010:

Hilarious! Tried a pair of thongs once and talk about irritating???? These days my jeans tend to reveal more than I'd want them to and my better half is always saying something rude about my 'builders bum' - very flattering I'm sure. Thanks for a brilliant giggle. Habee.

What's this about a contest? What have I missed now?

Phyllis Doyle Burns from High desert of Nevada. on October 24, 2010:

habee, this is so fun to read. Thanks for giving me some giggles.

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

Mike, I'm so glad you liked it!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

Right, Sandy. How did that happen??

Nell Rose from England on October 24, 2010:

Hi, ha ha that was so funny! lol I remember my friend a couple of years ago telling me that thongs were so comfortable! yeah right! I think I took the world record for trying them on, yelling, taking them off and throwing them in the bin! maybe 2.4 seconds?!! ha ha thanks for the laugh, cheers nell

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

Thanks a bunch, Pam!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

Iris, I guess it's a trade-off, huh?

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

Thanks, Melinda. I'm glad you got some chucks!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

Saddle, your comment has me cracking up!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

Hi, 50. Always good to "see" you!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

Austin, it's supposed to be in Stan's contest!

Holle Abee (author) from Georgia on October 24, 2010:

I hear ya, PD!

Kaie Arwen on October 24, 2010:

Too funny- this was entertaining! Kaie

Hello, hello, from London, UK on October 24, 2010:

Oh, what a laugh. Thank you. You certainly know how to write about things. Is that you in the photo?

Martie Coetser from South Africa on October 24, 2010:

LOL! You have obviously a lot of fun coining articles with Fletcher’s proposed titles for hubs. I can feel the fire of your enthusiasm coming my way too. Great, Habee. You deserve the 1st price, and if you don’t get it, I’ll organize a protest action.

Stan Fletcher from Nashville, TN on October 24, 2010:

This is great Habee! Very funny. I'll put it on the contest list and see what the judges think...

Rated up and funny!

Mike Lickteig from Lawrence KS USA on October 23, 2010:

You certainly know how to draw us in with an intriguing title. I have to admit I am usually discreet in dealing with this issue, although often I would prefer not to feel any constraint.

this was very entertaining. Voted up and extremely useful!

Mike