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I Feel Sorry for the Hecklers

Kenneth is a rural citizen of Hamilton, Ala., and has begun to observe life and certain things and people helping him to write about them.

Hey, Hecklers Do Exist!

Okay. I get it. I'm not so dumb that I didn't catch the definition of a 'huckler.' A heckler is a person who interrupts a performer or public speaker with derisive or aggressive comments or abuse. e.g. "he was adept at dealing with hecklers" I confess. At one point of my life I dreamed of being a professional heckler. Yes. Get in the audience of Steve Martin and just as he hits his stride and adds some banjo playing, I yell, "Ayyye, Steve-O! You playing that thing or is someone lip syncing?" What a relief! What freedom I would have. Be in charge although it was for only an hour. And if I'm good, the audience loves my pointed complaints better than the performer. Oh, if dreams were ignition keys and I had a cloud.

You can say or think what you like, but hecklers are important. Bet you didn't get that one. But yes. Let's pretend that you fork-out $300.00 for two front-row tickets to attend a "Night With Matt LeBlanc," how would your girlfriend react to his off-key, off-center style of comedy? Actually a lot. In this case, if you were a pro heckler, you would be able to possibly save LeBlac's career. Like I said earlier, even you and your pretty girlfriend would be the new comedy duo that some high-maintenance show biz agent signs you for 12 shows in Las Vegas' beautiful MGM Grand.
Naaah. Too much pressure. My girlfriend doesn't know what we are doing on the

stage of this luxurious hotel, neither do I since we are supposed to be in the audience in the darkness and able to shout loud criticisms to Cher and some Gorilla act from New Zealand. Cher, I'd heckle the daylights out of her, but the gorillas would be a refreshing change here in Vegas. Hello, Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid.

Heckling inside a big crowd gets the most attention.

Heckling inside a big crowd gets the most attention.

Another piece of interesting news is: hecklers jobs, as it were, are far from easy work. It's not for everyone. I know. But I cannot keep from dreaming. And I'd love to sit with (a) very talented heckler, Robert Szasz, who regularly attends Tampa Bay Rays baseball games and is known for loudly he heckles the players. And there is good ol' Spike Lee, film-maker, producer, who is infamous for heckling the New York Knicks from the center seats of the auditorium. I'd love for these two to take my mouth under their arm and teach me the fine art and skill of knowing how to heckle actors and performers at just the right time to get a rise from them. And of course, see them hit the ceiling and start telling me and the audience off!

It do take talent, I'm here to say.

Back to reality, I do not know if even Juliard's Creme de la Cream of teaching people with talent to be formed and shaped into genius-level of their talents. I know that not even I could get accepted in this place. First, I do not have the right clothes. And I do not speak New York fluently. The major blow to my fledging heckling career is that I was born in the South. That fact alone signifys the "slamming door" behind me if I were to get an interview.

President Joe Biden's lovely wife helps send a heckler out the  door.

President Joe Biden's lovely wife helps send a heckler out the door.

As unsure as our country can be at times, I can easily-predict that one man or one woman with billions of bucks will design, organize, built and get the state charter for the curriculum for teaching Hecklers 101. If these students pass, they will be Under-Heckling Degrees in order for them to be hired by big TV networks as well as those huge satellite radio programs where there is need for professional hecklers. Don't you agree?

To name a few billionaires that can easily fiance the entire shooting match: Mr. Bill Gates, because he does have a rebellious streak and building a pro-heckler college would be just up his alley. Mr. Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon, would do about the same when it comes to fiancing, but he would institue a At Home Heckling Study where adults who might not be able to fly to Bezos' hcekler college, can sit at home on their computer and learn heckling from the professional fault-finders who will be the instructors. And believe me, they are out there.

To not leave women out, Martha Stewart could finance her college of higher-heckling without the help of Gates and Bezos. Plus, she would have a FREE shopping gala trip just for signing-up for her course. Just imagine. Stewart comes online first. Then greets the eager hecklers and then takes them throughout her heckler campus where students who study with Stewart's higher-heckling institute, will stand or sit around on campus and practice heckling sorta like some on-the-job heckling.

We have the heckling of higher education wired. Oh, Spike Lee can join Stewart to get his views on how African-Ameicans are not heard as white hecklers, so Lee will not only write, but teach a eight-week course on "How to Open The Mouth Wider to Heckle The Best," and "Making More Celeb's Hit Their Panic Button," when one of Lee's pupils drills Willie Nelson during an open-air concert and when the pupil is finished, Nelson storms off stage angry.

Even hecklers must play their part.

Even hecklers must play their part.

This section needs no introduction. Here is a short list of: People I Will Not Heckle:

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⦁ Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on PBS)

⦁ Bob Ross (happy little trees.)

⦁ President Trump

⦁ The U.S. Military Forces

⦁ Our doctors, nurses, EMT's, ambulance attendants, drivers.

Consequences of The Consequences of Heckling:

⦁ Arrests by local police or FBI.

⦁ Getting cursed-out who do not agree with heckling.

⦁ Having eggs and rocks thrown on hecklers.

⦁ Charging hecklers like a cattle herd to get them out of town.

⦁ Standing before a judge and explain why he was heckling.
Let's face it so I can get out of here and take a nap. As for hecklers, I get it. People are always referring to the Grand Scheme of Things, I repeat. I get it. From the smallest, most-insecure molecule of life which crawls in the dirt to the loudest hecklers on the same earth, all belong to "that" scheeme. I didn't design it. But we all live in it.

Hecklers much like the smallest, most-insecure molecules of life, belong. If I live long enough and unravel this mystic mystery, I will be the first to yell in loudest tone . . ."Way go go, God!"

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© 2021 Kenneth Avery

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