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How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is a Vampire

This could be your boyfriend

This could be your boyfriend

The ladies have gathered. It’s a typical girl’s night out. With cocktail glasses the size of continents, and giant umbrellas made to make the poison look pretty. It’s time for some filthy chitchat and seemingly innocuous banter.

Girl with the Long Island: “It’s like a blood clot.”

Girl with the Gin and Tonic: “This one’s got his teeth sunk into you.”

Girl with the Peach Margarita: “He’s a keeper."

I blush as I see them turn in envy while examining my hicky. They have all been in long drawn relationships except for the virgin girl sipping Sex on the Beach. I probably have cob webs down there she mutters. It was finally out. My secret boyfriend wasn’t such a secret anymore and I smiled nursing my usual Pina Colada. But funnily I was craving a bloody marry this time. My taste has changed for sure. And this needs to stop.

I’m telling you, get a bunch of girls together, get them to sip on some cocktails and you’ll have secrets pop out of the closet like shit from a Pig. My secret is safe under the cult of cocktail umbrellas. Nothing is taboo here and nothing gets out. I’ve heard it all, nothing would shock me easily. But every once in a while you hear something that does shock your socks off. And this time it came out from my mouth. I was having thoughts lately, I admitted. Crazy thoughts accompanied by crazier cravings. Thoughts about sipping human blood. Fine! I admit! My boyfriend is a goddamn Vampire! And I think I’m turning.

I almost had my teeth sharpened to match his so that I could return the favor he had imprinted on my neck. That bite of passion. But he hadn’t gone for the kill yet. His fangs had barely grazed the surface. It was decision time, to be with him, or not to be. The next time the love bite could prove fatal. It was time to wake up and smell the vampire.

If you too suspect that you might be sleeping with a vampire, here is what you can do about it.

First comes discovery. You better be dead sure. There are tons of wannabe Vampires out there who are posers. In a pathetic attempt at being cool they are basically humans trying to pass off as Vampires. Vampires aren’t sappy, pretty boys either, no matter what the ‘Twilight’ movies have you believe. Some young and impressionable teens might just think it’s cool to have a vampire for a boyfriend. Some even seek them out. Remember girls; the boy’s been around for over 200 years. You don’t know what you are dealing with. Trust me I’ll give you the real lowdown on them.

And I’m sorry to burst your bubble but Google does not have all the answers. Most of the stuff on Vampires is mainly bunk.

There are different types of vampires and it’s very important to find out what sub species your vampire boyfriend belongs to. Is he the traditional, generic, European type? The one with a cape. Or an ethnic vampire from Mexican mythology? Or a more exotic one from Indian folklore? There are subtle differences, but they do exist and they can be really helpful when you suspect you are trapped by a Vampire. Learn the particular legend that might fit and this may give you answers on how to destroy them.Whatever you do, don’t go on the Internet and check for legends. Like I said, the net is full of Vampire bunk. Instead, send me a fat check and I’ll send you an eBook titled ‘Vampire Encyclopedia’ which includes the following: how to tell if your boyfriend is a Vampire, how to identify what sub spices he belongs togs, a library of vampire legends from around the world and finally how to kill a vampire. If you act now, I’ll also throw in a free DVD about Werewolf’s.

This could be him

This could be him

So if you suspect that you are dating a bloodsucker, and can’t afford to mail me a fat cheque, here are the telltale signs that your boyfriend is a vampire.

He’s secretive. While every man is secretive about the women he’s dated in the past, the vampire boyfriend guards his secret like a clamped down prison with a big bolted door and a giant lock. Trouble! This is the exact thing that makes him sexy. We wonder what skeletons he has in his closet and in this case the skeletons are literal. Another sign is that he is secretive about his parents. Or tells you that all his relatives are dead.

There’s a trail of dead people in the neighborhood. Your life turns into yet another sequel of the ‘Scary Movie’ with people popping all around you and you are the clueless damsel caught in the middle. People seem to be dropping dead and the forensic team investigating these mysterious murders thinks it’s due to a gang of diseased bats that are nowhere in sight. Until it strikes you! It’s an epidemic, which happens to coincide with your boyfriend’s improving vigor. The tragic part is that your sex life gets better with each subsequent killing.

He goes for your neck very often. At first you loved it. He’s the best at foreplay. The blood pumping through your veins as he teased you, his lips inches away from your neck. You think he’s the best lover in the world, always thinking about pleasuring you. Don’t be fooled. He’s just fulfilling his own urges.

You only see him after sunset. The nights are for him, he’s most active then. Dark, face-swallowing glasses, is what you gave him for his last birthday and boy does he love them. He wears them all the time. There, however, are some exceptions who have trained themselves to occasionally come out during the day so don’t be fooled.

He’s too wise for his age. He’s been around for ages, mature beyond his age. Sometimes you sit back and wonder: how can a man know so much? That’s the tragic existence of a Vampire. While they carry the knowledge of ages they succumb to their basic hunger for blood.

No garlic in Garlic bread please! You are out on a romantic date. He looks delicious as always. He sips the wine but does not touch the garlic bread. Now I know what you are thinking. This is a stereotype and I don’t mean to judge the entire Vampire breed by this. Yet, this one is a valid telling sign. However, this is a tricky one as there are humans who are genuinely allergic to garlic. Everyone’s heard about that poor lad who got staked because he was mistaken for a vampire when he simply had food allergies and choked on garlic bread.

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He’s a sexual beast. If he’s a rock star in bet, he’s a bloody sexual Vampire. A man that passionate and that good a lover is too good to be true. Period.

He Keeps a Vampire diary: A vampire’s diary. All vampires have a diary. They even made a television show about it and (very aptly) called it the Vampire Diaries! And so you need to keep a Journal of your own. The minute your curiosity is peaked track him. Track his habits like an anthropologist in the Amazon. Now I know every girl has her own journal. But this is no pink puffy journal. This is a blood journal. Do this without seeming obsessive because even a Vampire would flee from an obsessive woman. Track his eating habits. The number of excuses he makes to get out on a sunny day.

Before you know it, he'll turn you into a bloodsucker

Before you know it, he'll turn you into a bloodsucker

If you love him truly, you might try to get him off human blood but don’t be too optimistic. If you are with a bloodsucker, he is attractive and lovely but he’s one hundred percent lethal for you. Every girl thinks that she can change her boyfriend, but not a Vampire boyfriend. Before you know it, it’ll be you who’s sucking other people’s blood.

If you see these signs in your boyfriend, please don’t be in denial mode.This problem is more common than it seems because when girls realize that they have a vampire on their hands they don’t like to let the secret out. Perhaps for the fear of being judged or perhaps even for being envied. We all crave for something out of the ordinary. More so these days. In this age of bad romance what could be more wicked than dating a vampire. If you are one of them, be aware.

Vampires die if they have been staked through the heart by wood, burned or by decapitation and removing the brain. If you have the slightest inkling that your boyfriend’s a vampire, it would be advisable for you to carry a wooded stake. You might just have to use it. I know everyone wants to trust their lover blindly. But you’d rather take this precautionary measure than land up dead, or worse, turn into a full-blown bloodsucker yourself.

If all else fails here is a foolproof method. It’s called a Vampire trap. You can make one at home yourself. (For exact instructions, refer to my eBook). Leave a blood stake in front of him and set the trap.

Last thing to do is to check if you are turning yourself. I came close. I tried hard to cover my own hicky. And was about to order a bloody marry instead of a Pena Colada. I didn’t want to tell. I know he’s no keeper. I’ve already set the tarp for him.

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Rachel forbes on June 23, 2015:

I have this guy I'm talking to and I need to know what the heck he is.

jacob on September 25, 2012:

i am a werewolf i hate vampires!

kanizm from Chicago, Illinois on September 07, 2012:


Zara Rasul (author) from Mumbai, India on September 07, 2012:

Lol Kanzim! my ex had those traits... Trust me, it's not all that it's cracked up to be! Thanks for the read!

kanizm from Chicago, Illinois on September 05, 2012:

That was super awesome.

I wish my boyfriend had those traits.

Zara Rasul (author) from Mumbai, India on January 13, 2012:

Thanks Trishita, u better be careful and observe him closely :)

Trishita Banerjee from Kolkata,India on January 10, 2012:

That's just awesome.Now I have really started to wonder.Wish I had one boyfriend like that though the existing one has pretty similarities.:) :)

Zara Rasul (author) from Mumbai, India on January 03, 2012:

Thanks caprocornrising for your kind words!

JoshuaDR thanks for stopping by. Be careful before those people turn you into one! :)

JoshuaDR from Charleston, SC on January 03, 2012:

I enjoyed the read. Very funny and informative. I now suspect about 7 people of being vampires =)

capricornrising from Wilmington, NC on December 30, 2011:

Hilarious and at the same time informative - a winning combination. Thanks for the chuckle!

Zara Rasul (author) from Mumbai, India on December 29, 2011:

Thanks zzron,

I totally believe in Vampires. I'll hav u know that Vampires are real as my boyfriend was one! Lol!

zzron from Houston, TX. on December 29, 2011:

This was beautifully wacky! I don't believe in vampires for real. Except for if a person gets bitten by a vampire bat, I'm not sure if that really makes them a vampire but I would highly recommend medical attention.

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