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The Funniest Ways to End a Bad First Date

I have many articles on relationships and dating on Hubpages that receive many views.

Dating isn't what it used to be. There used to be an etiquette surrounding dating. But now, with all the online dating sites like and Tinder and whathaveyou, it's a cruel, cruel world. You need to have confidence and take no prisoners in this new world of online dating. You need to know what to do when a date is going right and when a date is going wrong.

I'll just come clean and admit that in my dating life, which mostly involved online dating, I never did anything this mean. That's because most women simply aren't lame enough to warrant this sort of treatment. So, these ideas really should be reserved for the super lame woman. How do we define the really lame woman? Well, particularly in the world of online dating, it's a woman who lies about some vital aspect of herself.

Either her picture is from twenty years ago or she's described her physical type as "athletic" and she's 100 pounds overweight or some other glaring falsehood. Maybe you get a few minutes into your date and she tells you something offensive like she doesn't usually date ugly guys, but she's making an exception or she tells you the restaurant you picked is awful or she says your taste in clothing needs work or that you don't make enough money or that she doesn't date guys with cheap cars.

Basically, you're not five minutes into the date and you've already been insulted several times. Then again, there are just some dates you need to end and end quickly. And when it comes to online dating, some dates cannot be over soon enough. Try to be judicious using these ideas and reserve the really cruel ones for only the most dire situations.

Cover her up!

Cover her up!

  • Attempt to cover her up, like a dog or cat - This is what dogs do after they defecate because they realize they've done something stinky and it needs to be covered up. Perhaps cats would be a better example since they actually bury most of their poop. Anyway, if a woman shows up to your date and she looks nothing like her picture, pretend you're a dog and try to cover her up. She'll get the message. This is the action in the online dating world for "you tricked me".
  • Tell her your pet monkey has escaped its cage - You have to pre-arrange to have somebody call you, but if you're really bold, you'll just pick up your phone and pretend you got a phone call or say it vibrated or whatever. Tell her your pet monkey has escaped its cage and is attacking your neighbor and has eaten its dog. There aren't many women I know who would go out with a man with a pet monkey.
  • Ask her if she would consider a threesome with your mother - Any sort of sexual conversation is likely to kill the date right there, but suggesting to this lame woman that she sleep with you and your mother is likely to get even the most desperate woman to run in the other direction.
  • Pretend to be incontinent - This one can actually be kind of fun. After a minute or two of sitting down, get up and go to the bathroom. Come back and get back up in thirty seconds and go back to the bathroom. Come back. Repeat. Then ask her if she's familiar with IBS. Describe your incontinence to her in detail. If you're really bold, or desperate for the date to end, you can smear yourself in feces.
Play with yourself!

Play with yourself!

  • Ask if she has a better-looking sister - Tell her that genetically it seems pretty impossible, but that if she had a better-looking sister, you'd be willing to stay within her family.
  • Play with yourself under the table (pretend or for real) - Sure, it's embarrassing potentially for you, but it does help to see just how oblivious this woman is. Just keep one hand under the table at all times. If she doesn't get it after the shaking, ask her if she can bend over slightly so you can see more cleavage. If that doesn't work, ask her to take off one of her shoes and hold it, then really go at it. Moan a little.
  • Fake your own death - This works best if she's coming over to meet you at your place and you open the door expecting to see filet mignon only to get dog meat. Know what I mean? Invite her inside, ask to be excused, and then perform your magic. This may require you have fake blood or a noose or other equipment in the house. A cap gun and fake blood is always good. If she starts to call 911, just get up and laugh and tell her you just like to see how your women react to such things. It'll freak her out no matter what.
  • Bad sex - Just have really bad sex. I mean, like the worst sex ever.
  • Forget Her Name - Keep asking her name over and over again and while you're having a conversation, keep calling her by somebody else's name. Do this until she gets mad and leaves.
Fake your own death!

Fake your own death!

  • Ask her if she has a pet - Then ask her if she would ever consider eating said pet, like for a meal. Tell her that you've discovered that dog meat is especially delicious and that cat goes well with many of the vegetables you grow in your garden. Then ask her if she has a hamster and tell her about all the amazing things you can do with a hamster.
  • Scream and run - This is just as it sounds and is intended for the man with limited amounts of free time. If she's not up to par, just scream and run. You can add some degree of editorial comment to your scream in order to get the point across like: "Oh my dear God you hideous creature! My loins are cursed! Be gone!"
  • Vomit all over her - This would seem harder to do than most people realize. After all, you can't just stick your finger down your throat and not seem completely obvious. Fortunately, there's this great stuff called Ipecac, which induces vomiting. You can just go into a bathroom and down some of it and blow chunks all over her. Even better, you can slip some of the stuff into her drink and let her vomit all over you and then accuse her of doing it on purpose. Either way, you've successfully ended the date.
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  • Ask her for a picture of her mother - Most men know that women end up looking like their moms, so if you've run into a situation where you're not happy with what you're looking at, ask for a picture of mom. In all likelihood, mom is not good-looking at all and you can pull a double whammy and insult her and her mother at the same time. Just let her know that you can see the future and it looks none too bright. Of course, if her mom is hot, you can also end the date by asking for her mother's number.


Jeannie Marie from Baltimore, MD on December 28, 2011:

I think these recommendations can work if I want to scare off a lame dude on a date, too. Thanks! I will keep this list with me the next time I go out on date.

Sondra from Neverland on December 09, 2011:

Oh, no - not so obvious. They're not bad compared to what I would draw. I have NO talent in that area. But I thought it was odd that you could find perfect pictures for such 'off' topics.

Allen Donald (author) from Colorado on December 09, 2011:

Yes, I made my own illustrations. I would think that would be obvious, as bad as they are.

Sondra from Neverland on December 08, 2011:

Hahah When my kids make me mad I totally try to cover them up like the dog buries his poop!!!! I didn't know it was online dating speak...I will reconsider my actions now. I have to ask - do you make your own illustrations?!

Rose Maria Rica D. Fuentes from Heaven on December 08, 2011:

Thanks for your hub! but it's so funny..haha

Sheila Varga Szabo from Southern California on December 07, 2011:

A bit on the dark side, but funny. I like the poop part. I guess I'm not missing out on anything by avoiding the dating sites. But horror stories always make me laugh. Thanks for sharing.

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