Dead and Not Loving It
So... maybe you having been thinking about death lately, (and who hasn't?) and are wondering--'hey, if I go to "the other place"..what will I do there? How will I support myself?...I don't want to live on the street ( if they have any) begging passersby for spare change...if I have to be there I want to make it as pleasant an experience as possible.
Well, the fact is, I happen to have the inside-line on Hell and all the great job opportunities you will find there, so worry no more. Nothing could be easier than getting a great gig in the Land of the Dead and new caves,grottoes,pits and pendulums are being added every day to accommodate all new-comers.
How can I talk with such authority--I know you are asking yourself that question right now.
Basically I've read the source material--Dante's Divine Comedy (why they call it a 'comedy' is beyond me) so I consider myself an expert.
While the population figures are yet to be revealed for this year,last year Heaven's newest residents has dropped considerably....
Meanwhile Hell has shown a real population explosion in recent times with many new arrivals from groups of middle-eastern terrorists, suicide bombers and 'adult-entertainment entrepreneurs.'
Department of Gluttony
Are you a gastronomic gourmand?
Do you enjoy guzzling,overgorging,overeating and stuffing yourself to the point of swinish vulgarity?
Have you ever been called a corpulent crammer? Do you keep doughnuts under the bed or sausages in your pocket?
Then you might be interested in a position as a Glutton-trainee. We are looking for fat people with a flair for eating people out of house and home. The successful applicant will be willing to eat non-stop for eternity, engorging and feasting to the point of epicurean carnality.
Please bring your own fork.
Department of Pride
Calling all peacocks!
Do you consider yourself comely,radiant,gorgeous,magnificent,charming,well-formed,well-proportioned--an Apollo or Aphrodite amongst the weed-garden of commonality?
Would you describe yourself as replendent,dapper,dazzling and picturesque?
In short, can you pass by a mirror, or even a shop window that shows your handsome reflection, without taking a sneak peak at your own incredible, spotless,countenance?
Then you may just be too proud for your pants and just the kind we are looking for in the Department of Pride.
And if you think you are too good for us, you are just the sort we want!
The Department of Sloth has openings for applicants who show no ambition whatsoever. We are eager to find persons who have considerable experience in slacking-off, inactivity, and those having high-level torpidity.
If you are unreactive, inert and excel in being slow and lifeless you may have a career with the Department of Sloth. Apply at some point, but not until you have procrastinated for a sufficient interval.
We presently need those who combust easily and fly into a rage over nothing. If you can loose your cool on a moment's notice or get your hackles up at the gall of other people, then maybe there is a place for you in the Department of Anger.
In particular, we are looking for employees who can 'see red' easily and can be miffed into madness over the slightest of trifles.
Apply with umbrage and outrage to the Dept. of Anger
Presently the Department of Lust is over-whelmed with applicants here in Hell, but there are always spaces open to those who can show unrivalled abilities in sordid craving, lecherous appetites,malodorous sexual desires and libidinous passions of an unhealthy degree.
Nymphomaniacs,fetish-obsessed individuals and those having advanced degrees in erotic immorality are encouraged to apply in person, nude, and aroused, to the Department of Lust at their convenience.
How to Apply for Jobs in Hell
Employment Opportunities in Hades
The future looks bright for those seeking long-term (forever) employment in what is surely 'the hottest place to work' so if you are :
- a self-starter
- and virtuous
do NOT apply.
All others please consider contacting
Department of Bad Choices
Please Note: All Souls taken are non-refundable.
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on August 19, 2009:
Betsy: Glad you included me in your reading time! :)
Kelly: O yes it's real alright....
kelly on July 27, 2009:
could this be real ?its just crazy for me
BetsyIckes from Pennsylvania on June 13, 2009:
Great hub! I'm glad you included the deadly sins!
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on May 21, 2009:
Zsuzsy: I think we have something in common! I wouldn't mind a job in the Sloth Dept. myself...imagine competing with others to see who could be the least ambitious? That's the ticket! Thanks for reading. :)
Zsuzsy Bee from Ontario/Canada on May 21, 2009:
Another good one! How hot is hot, did you say? After always being busy busy I think I will try for a job in the department of sloths. I think I could do with some rest. On that thought I wonder, can one change carreers in hell? I think we will need Patty to write us a hub about how to change an established job choice in hell.
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on May 18, 2009:
E: I'm certain from what you say that you have a 'bright' future in Hell. ;)
E Cigarette on May 18, 2009:
It's nice to know that my lifetime of training can be put to good use once I arrive. I know there are those with more experience, but I'm a fast learner and eager to succeed. I also have experience in Greed and Envy. I wonder if these departments will be hiring in the near future. Great Hub.
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on May 16, 2009:
Patty: Well since we are speaking of Hell, maybe you should have said 'thumbs down'. Way down. ;) Thanks for reading.
B.T. : I thought that was you I saw on my visit! I'll lower you a rope. Don't worry. ;)
B.T. Evilpants from Hell, MI on May 16, 2009:
Being a permanent resident of Hell, I can attest that these professions are in demand here! Personally, I work part time in both the Gluttony and Anger sectors. I happen to be an angry eater with a pocket full of sausages! Great coverage of the job situation in my home town! Thanks!
Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on May 16, 2009:
Thumbs up! Some say all jobs are in Hell anyway. lol