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Here Comes Hell (2019) Movie Review

This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!

here-comes-hell-2019-movie-review

The horror comedy Here Comes Hell asks you to believe that a group of drunk and snooty white people can unwittingly open a portal to hell just by being their pasty douchey selves.

Sometime in 2020, an idiotic gender reveal party inadvertently set fire to thousands of acres and killed a firefighter.

I can totally buy this premise.

Here Comes Synopsis

Here Comes Hell opens with a warning that if you’re a faint of heart type person you shouldn’t be watching this movie since it has death, dismemberment, and a gateway to hell.

In retrospect, this “warning” is the funniest part of the movie as it promises something it doesn’t deliver…mostly.

Here Comes Hell opens (again) with 5 friends gathering together for a dinner party at an opulent manor. It’s been years since they’ve all seen each other so this should be fun.

Be warned, Here Comes Hell is in black and white, but the only black thing in this movie is the film stock as the entire cast is mayo on quinoa watching The Crown.

Knife to meet you.

Knife to meet you.

Let’s meet them in a manner way f*cking shorter than you’ll have them introduced in the movie.

  • Victor (Charlie Robb)- Vic inherited the estate from his father and he hasn’t kept the place up as he’s burning through money at a rapid rate. He looks like the offspring of James Corden and Michael Cera but has a totally unconvincing British accent.
  • Christine (Margaret Clunie)- Christine is Victor’s sister. She likes to drink and smoke and those are the only dimensions to her character. Oh, and she likes to be a b*tch to the only other female character. That’s nice. But at least her British accent is more convincing than her brother’s.
  • George (Tom Bailey)- George is wealthy. Rather, his father is wealthy because he’s an oil man from Texas. George wears a giant hat and has an unconvincing Southern accent.
  • Freddie (Timothy Renouf)- Freddie is a tennis player and sounds he’s trying to do an Alan Cummings impersonation. He’s here with…
  • Elizabeth (Jessica Webber)- She’s Freddie’s secretary and they’ve been seeing each other surreptitiously for the past couple of months. She’s pretty mousy and soft spoken which means she’s got Final Girl stenciled all over her forehead. But her British accent is spot on.

When all these friends get together, you can be sure it’s a raucous good time. Or you just want everyone to die besides Elizabeth.

How candle you sit through this movie?

How candle you sit through this movie?

As stated before, Victor looks like he hasn’t cleaned the manor since he inherited it. But at least he stocked up with a lot of alcohol.

Christine starts not-so-subtly insulting Elizabeth but not after drinking 2 or 3 or 4 bottles.

Texan George plays with his gun and actually says the phrase,” Don’t mess with Texas”.

Freddie proposed to Elizabeth right before they went to see the others. Elizabeth said yes. They will live a long happy life together in marital bliss.

But drinking and guns can only get a party so far. Victor thinks it’s time to level up so he doles out some exposition about how this house was once owned by a famous occultist/painter (named Ichabod Quinn) who was () close to finding a gateway to the other side.

Then he disappeared, never to be heard from again. Was he successful? That’s what the Bad Accent crew is about to find out. Because Victor has hired a real-life medium named Madame Bellrose (Maureen Bennett) to attempt to communicate with the possibly deceased Ichabod Quinn.

Madame Bellrose speaks some stentorian gibberish.

Then her eyes go buggy and she’s says, “HERE COMES HELL!”

Soon after she says the name of the movie, George knocks her the f*ck out.

But something like that isn’t going to keep a good, possessed medium down, because even though Victor got Madame Bellrose at a discount, she was right about hell crossing over.

There are worse dinner parties. We’re all hoping Elizabeth makes it out all right. The rest can go to, you know.

You will forced to watch this at gunpoint.

You will forced to watch this at gunpoint.

What Works With Here Comes Hell

  • A proper splattering of blood and gore. It’s what you paid your money and spent your time to see.
  • It’s only 75 minutes long, so you’re not wasting too much of your time. You all sat through that feature length HBO Max ad called Space Jam A New Legacy so 75 minutes isn’t that much of a sacrifice.

What Doesn’t Work With Here Comes Hell

  • The movie takes an entire half hour to get going. For a 75 minute movie that feels more interminable than you’d like. Except for Elizabeth, you’re just being introduced to a bunch of characters you wish were dead.
  • Director/co-writer Jack McHenry homages/rips off The Evil Dead. While those scenes aren’t bad in and of themselves, you’d do better just rewatching The Evil Dead.
here-comes-hell-2019-movie-review

Overall

A mixed bag at best. An intermittently funny and not-at-all scary horror comedy that fortunately doesn’t make enough of an impression for you to hate. If you do watch this, you probably won’t remember it about an hour after the closing credits. I’m reviewing this with notes and I barely remember it.

Really 2.5 but rounding down because of the long first act

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