Hey you. I wrote this Review Just for You because I like you.I also like pizza.
David Gordon Green
Scott Teems, Danny McBride, and David Gordon Green
After a 12 year delay due to the pandemic, Halloween Kills is finally released in theaters, Peacock, and various bingo halls around the country. Some of you will see it in theaters and some of you will see it in the comfort of your own homes. Some of you will wait until some of you leave for the theaters and then see it in the comfort of their own homes. Some of you have been watching Peacock all day Thursday waiting for the movie to drop because you enjoy all the fine programming on the Peacock streaming service.
As you tell anyone who’s kind enough to ask what your favorite streaming service is, “I can’t get enough of the ‘Cock!”. Because of its fine programming and reasonable prices.
These last two sentences were bought and paid for by Peacock. Now streaming Halloween Kills and every single episode of The Office.
Halloween Kills opens the exact moment Halloween 2018 ends.
We see the Allyson’s douchey BF Cameron (Dylan Arnold) walking home from the Halloween dance after he had the temerity to put a white girl’s phone in some pudding. It’s been a rough night for Cameron and it’s mostly his fault. It’s about to get rougher.
Cameron sees a body lying on the road. It’s Sherriff Hawkins (Will Patton). Turns out he didn’t die from getting slashed across the throat. He’s been waiting for someone to talk to so he can drop an exposition flashback about how when he was a younger cop he was there when Miguel Myers (Bradley Cooper) first wreaked havoc back in 1978. It’s so nice he can talk this much with a bleeding throat and all. Hawkins blames himself for Michael Myers still being alive.
Cameron has just slashed his own throat from boredom at listening to this tedious exposition. He’s fine. No one dies from throat slashings.
Sherriff Hawkins makes it to the hospital still rambling on.
Meanwhile, Laurie Strode’s (Jamie Lee Curtis) house is still on fire because it’s definitely killed Michael Myers because nobody survives a blast like that.
Firefighters are battling the blaze when one of them notices a giant shape coming out of the closet. It turns out Michael isn’t dead.
Michael proceeds to kill a bunch of firefighters trying to do their jobs. I’m from California and California firefighters work constantly because of climate change and dumbf*cks doing gender reveal parties. They deserve better than to be killed by a guy in a jumpsuit.
But wait, there’s MORE EXPOSITION!
Because it’s been 40 years since Mike did some babysitter killing in Haddonfield, the survivors of Halloween 1978 gather around a bar and let you know they’re still alive.
You’ve got to wait about 20 minutes from when the Universal logo unwraps before Laurie actually appears. Since there’s going to be a third movie, you’ve got to find a way to pad some runtime.
Anyway, Tommy Doyle all ‘roided up (Anthony Michael Hall), little Lindsey all grown up (Kyle Richards), Nurse Marion (Nancy Stephens) still shouldn’t be around vehicles, and Lonnie (Robert Longstreet) still shouldn’t be around very young children, but that’s a matter for the Haddonfield courts to decide. They’re Haddonfield’s survivors, and they deserve to get plastered because some of them won’t survive tonight.
Laurie has been stabbed. But she’s fine because Laurie knows she’s killed Michael Myers once and for all and all of Haddonfield need not be Sad-donfield anymore even though a bunch of people were killed and will probably remain dead. Think of all the wasted candy.
Karen is still sad that her husband is dead. Allyson is still minorly inconvenienced that her dad is dead. What’s girl to do?
How about join up with a bunch of pissed off Haddonfield residents led by Tommy Doyle to locate and kill Michael Myers. This mob better be careful with their torches and pitchforks, because if something goes awry with the fire there are no more firefighters to battle the flames.
Because Michael has a mission. He’s got places to be this Halloween. And anybody in his path will end up Dead-donfield in very creative and gushy ways.
You’d think that Sherriff Barker (Omar Dorsey) would utilize the police force more efficiently or in ways that don’t underline how incompetent he is. But since he’s both black and the Sherriff there’s at least a 40 percent chance he won’t be shot by one of this own officers. Possibly 30.
All of Haddonfield is in for a long(er) Halloween night. And it won’t end until everyone is dead or Michael gets what he wants or both. But we won’t really find out until October of 2022.
What Works With Halloween Kills
- Halloween, um, kills- If all you wanted was blood and gore, then that’s what you get by the bucketful. The kills are better written than most of the characters. If you recut the 105-minute movie to just include all the kills, then you’d still have a 95-minute movie. F*ck a coherent tone and characters that aren’t fodder.
- Everyone’s best friend Judy Greer gets to shine instead of being in the background like the previous movie. Karen’s arc in Kills means more to the story that Allyson’s or even Laurie’s this time around. She’s the closest thing to a cohesive character you get. Then again, do you really care about that when head splatter is just two scenes away?
What Doesn’t Work With Halloween Kills
- Part of the understanding that Kills is the middle chapter of the trilogy means that there’s really not a lot of suspense that transpires since you’re certain that (most of) the main characters will make it to the next movie. Then all you care about are the kills even though most of them don’t mean anything. Most of Halloween Kills feels like the filler bridge to get you to the final movie.
- A blocky exposition filled first act that you feel you should be taking notes on. There are kills, but they’re sandwiched between scenes that take longer than they should to convey information that won’t mean a lot. At its worst, it’s a 105-minute trailer.
Halloween Kills and kills and kills but ultimately leaves you really wanting Halloween Ends to leave a better taste in your mouth. A bloody adequate sequel that delivers on the carnage but shorts you on story and coherence. Pricks a little, but definitely does not kill.
Buy It Here! Or Rather Halloween Kills, Not It! But You can buy that too! Or Both!
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2021 Noel Penaflor