Who Wants Some Tail Of the Castaways?
The argument has been going on for well over 40 years. I remember it as a kid in high school and from my drunken friends as a young adult. The eternal (and still unanswered) question of which female character from the 1960’s television series, “Gilligan’s Island” was more bangable. Ginger or Mary Ann? I hope the righteous will forgive my use of the word bangable but when I was a kid, we weren’t very PC. If a friend of mine had had the nerve to ask, “If you had a choice, who would you rather make love to? Ginger or Mary Ann? he would have been laid out flat on the ground and bleeding from at least one nostril. I have cleaned up the question for purposes of this article. Bangable is definitely cleaner than the alternative phrase we used in school.
One thing that’s been bothering me lately, (and it’s not at the top of the list of things that bother me, but it’s way up there), was I never found out if you ladies were running your own Gilligan’s Island Most-Bangable contest. Did that happen? Were cheerleaders running topless around the locker rooms after football games asking, “Ok, if you had to absolutely sleep with one of them, who would it be? The Skipper, Gilligan or the Professor? “ (Someone please tell me that happened, so my life will be complete. Please?)
Ginger Was More Than Bangable
Was Mary Ann More Bangable?
What About Lovey?
Whenever I was asked the Ginger or Mary Ann question, I usually responded. “Mrs. Howell!” I would definitely bang Mrs .Howell. After receiving the ultimate reward of a disgusted face from the person asking the question along with the obligatory, “What the f**k is wrong with you?” response, I would explain it. It made sense back then and it still does, today. Mrs. Howell was one of the wealthiest women on earth, so throwing her a few nights of pleasure down by the lagoon might be the wise thing to do. She could buy you anything you desired. And she had no desire to leave her meal ticket, hubby, (Thurston Howell III), so she wouldn’t get emotionally attached. Banging Mrs. Howell would definitely be the best choice. (Provided of course, the lights were off, she wasn’t allowed to speak and a suitable head-sized paper bag was available)
Lovey Howell: The Later Years
Which one of the Honeybees would you take back to your hive?
You May Only Choose One of Them
Even though Lovey Howell was the perfect candidate for a young man to whip it out for a quickie on the other side of the island, she was always eliminated as an answer to the question. “No way!”, the questioner would respond, You can’t say Mrs. Howell. It HAS to be Ginger or Mary Ann. Besides, Mrs. Howell is married. You can’t go around banging old, married women, no matter how rich they are.” Besides, one of my friends claimed that Lovey was rumored to have worn a diaper, which quickly cured me of my Mrs. Howell obsession.
After my answer was rejected, the question was always posed a second time.“Who’s it gonna be, Ginger or Mary Ann? My answer? “Well, with Lovey out of the picture, I think I’d like both Ginger and Mary Ann at the same time. I mean, why just choose one? They both had their merits. Ginger was a Hollywood movie star whose long flowing red hair and silver sparkled gown set every young man’s heart afire. Mary Ann was the farmer’s daughter from Kansas whose perfectly tanned legs looked ever so sexy in those short shorts and high heels she wore. PLUS, Mary Ann could cook. So after you were done doing the tropical tango, you might be able to persuade her to make you and Ginger one of her special coconut cream pies (and maybe a Pina Colada) Case closed. I wanted them both. An island threesome. I was sure of it. I wanted that more than I wanted ol’ wrinkly Mrs. Howell and her suitcases full of money.
That was never a good enough answer for my horny teenaged friends asking the question. You HAD to pick one-and only one. It had to be either Ginger or Mary Ann. No Lovey and no Ménage à trios with the other two. By then I would just usually give up and choose one. What did it matter? Depending on my mood, I’d half heartedly pick one of them. Usually Ginger, if I recall correctly. But there were drawbacks.
Pregnancy in the Pacific
It would be hard enough being stuck on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with no one knowing your whereabouts without having to worry about either Ginger or Mary Ann being with child. (That’s knocked up, for you younger folks) Can you imagine raising a kid on the island with no schools, no other kids for them to play with and no place for you to hide? Well, there’s always the rhythm method, but that’s been known to fail. Hmm, how about the Professor? Maybe he could come up with a solution. I can imagine The Professor inventing a special IUD made from a coconut shell. I don’t know if I’d trust it though. As smart as he was, he still couldn’t fix a 2 foot wide hole in the boat. What a moron….or in his case, maroon.
The Professor, maybe?
Ladies? Gilligan Or The Skipper?
So, Ladies, What Do You Think?
Ladies, if you had the choice, who would you choose to climb the banana tree with? The Skipper, The Professor or Gilligan? Mr. Howell isn’t eligible, so don’t even try.
All three gentlemen have their good points. Gilligan, (though stupid and ugly) is still young and virile, The Professor (a bit older) is as smart as a whip. (Remember how he once charged the batteries for the radio using nothing but monkey urine and a jungle vine?) The Skipper is a bit older, but an authority figure. Some women dig that. Well, girls, who’s it going to be?