Sam the Anchorman: Welcome to 'Celebrity Boxing Match', one of the most momentous sporting events in the World, watched by millions and adored by boxing fans all over.
It’s gladiatorial combat, nerve-shredding drama, it’s blood, sweat and tears with all the glamour, excitement and spectacle of a Cecil B. de Mille epic.
Over at ringside we have Jerry Hoopla who has been talking with famous stars in the crowd and fat bankers in the first three rows. How's it going Jerry?
Jerry: Well I've really been soaking up the occasion as well as chatting to the occasional soak, the atmosphere is raucous and a bit menacing and the security team have their work cut out. I'm with Jason Nutbar, the head of the security guys. How you handling it Jase?
Jason: Well we sure have to rely on our charm and deference to cool down these screwballs or else we bring out the knuckle dusters.
But the crowd have been really loud and brought a great atmosphere, they just need to stay in their seats and stop hitting each other. And the seats need to stay too cos they been using 'em to hit each other.
Quite a few of the folk chucked out too Man, a few attempted stranglings and a shooting. They're even smuggling in their own food. Caught a lot smoking too, we're really clamping down on that. We like to keep the customers healthy as we throw 'em into the back door.
Jerry: You said 'into' the back door?
Jason: Yeah! If we aim their heads at the push-bar it opens pretty quickly. Saves a lotta time and manpower.
Jerry: Thanks Jase. I guess that kinda gives the TV viewers an idea of what's going on here at the moment. Back to you Sam in the studio.
Sam: Thanks Jerry, enjoy the the rest of the fight ... and the boxing. And don't forget your crash helmet and body armour. But in fact we're going straight back to Madison Square Garden and our commentator Barry Lerchant. What's happening at the big match Barry?
Barry: Thank you Sam, the contestants have arrived. They had a long-running feud for years before finally putting that behind them. But tonight, just for charity they're gonna slug it out for the fans.
Saul 'Slash' Hudson's got the weight advantage but Axl W. Rose is a lively one. Don't know what the 'W' stands for but there's been a few guesses, especially from my co-commentator the great Jonathan Davis of Korn.
Jonathan: You asking me what does the 'W' stand for? Don't tempt me man.
Barry: We'll let that one go because Axl's in his corner, he's breathing into an oxygen mask. I guess that's to boost his energy levels.
Jonathan: The way he sings I'd guess it was that crazy helium stuff.
Barry: Meanwhile, Wow! Slash is off the wagon! He's sitting in his corner smoking a Malboro light and drinking from an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Looks like his trainer has covered his upper body in talcum powder.
Jonathan: Hey! That ain't talcum man, I reckon that's something particular he's got on import. D'ya know what I mean?
Barry: Here we go! It's Round 1 and Axl springs to his feet, like a coiled, venomous snake ready to strike with piercing determination burning in his eyes. But what's wrong with Hudson!!, he's all over the place, his legs are bent like rubber and his arms are floating like a jellyfish. He looks exhausted and the fight hasn't even started.
Jonathan: I dunno dude, I just think they gave him the wrong gear , some kinda opiate or sumthin'.
Barry: Rose don't care, he comes out screaming, he lunges at Hudson and swings a murderous right hook....
Barry:.......AND COMPLETELY MISSES!! ...............but wait!!, Hudson has crashed to the floor anyway, it's as if he'd just been shot by a snipers bullet.
Jonathan: Yeah! But he sure went down smiling.
Referee: 1, 2, 3.......
Referee: 4, 5, 6, ........
Barry: He's got a vacant, glazed expression in those eyes, he doesn't look like he knows where he is, I don't think he even knows the referee is counting, the cameras are flashing and the crowd are screaming at him to get up.
Jonathan: He's hearing 'Perfect Day' Man, Lou Reed's in the house, you reap what you sow
Referee: 7, 8, 9,....
Barry: And Slash is OUT, he's OUT!!!!
Jonathan: You better believe it man, far out.
Barry: Axl goes crazy, his team are flooding into the ring, they're overjoyed. This maybe proves that Axl can get a job done quickly after all.
But now, while their camp are celebrating his victory, we'll hand you back to Sam in the studio and a word from our sponsors.
Sam: Unbelievable!! The fight's over before it even got started. An amazing end, we hope you enjoyed it, if you blinked you missed it.
But look forward to future fights right here at this station.
We got Sammy Hagar versus David Lee Roth, so we'll see if Dave really can 'Roll with the punches'.
And we might even get our man Mr Davis into the ring with Slash if Axl ain't gonna go for a re-match.
Don't forget to tune in next week for our next 'Get in the Ring' Rockstar Boxing Night. It's..................
'Screamin' Ian Gillan
Ritchie 'The Man in Black' Blackmore
Don't go away, we'll be right back after this commercial break...............
"Uncomfortable, Itchy feeling down under"?
"Difficulty walking straight?"
"Perhaps even some pain and bleeding on occasion?"
"Are you suffering from haemorrhoids?"
STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN!!"
Shinkicker (author) from Scotland on November 25, 2010:
Hello guys, thanks for reading, watch out for those men in the white coats. Haven't heard of Les Kellet, I do remember the Rumble in the Jungle. Ali was incredible. Never decked Parkinson though.
attemptedhumour from Australia on November 16, 2010:
Hey shinkicker, you're back in form and in hubpages. I thought you'd retired. That was a whacky hub i was going faster and faster as i was reading it. Couldn't help it i was so hyped. A step up from Les Kellet. Remember him. Or the rumble in yon jungle. If only i'd have had some popcorn handy and a blond moll. Never mind i've still got you and that's got to be worth something, hasn't it?
carolina muscle from Charlotte, North Carolina on November 12, 2010:
ACK!!! That's the kinda guy in a lab coat I never like to have to deal with!! funny post, Shinkicker!!