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Funny Sexy Quotes

Wendy is a journalist who has been writing online since 2007 on topics such as plus size fashion, learning languages and traveling.

Laughter is one of the best aphrodisiacs so enjoy my collection of favourite funny sexy quotes. Most of them are anonymous; some of them have been used countless times in films and greeting cards. The truth is that if a man -or a woman- can make you laugh, then you might be able to be with him for the rest of your days. Once the lust and romance have subdued what is left is someone with whom you can enjoy your life!

The Real Relationship Between Men and Women

funny-sexy-quotes

"If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you." ―Dorothy Parker

"Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."

— Mae West

Funny Sexy Quotes On Self Assured Women:


"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part" Aimee Mullins

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."-Sophia Loren

"I don't use my body to seduce, no. I just stand there." Ursula Andress

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be."-Brigitte Bardot

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone.

"It is better to be looked over than overlooked" Mae West.

"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it." Mae West

"A hard man is good to find." Mae West

"I'm into bondage. I think it's really fun, and I love playing the part of the damsel in distress. ... The feeling is amazing when someone [spanks me] right." Dita Von Teese Said marrying rocker Marilyn Manson.

If you are not in the mood:

"The Parts That aren't Hurting aren't Working."

"I Don't Remember How to Do It."

For married people:

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects"

"Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him." Marilyn Monroe

About Rules When Having Your Wicked Way

"I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?"

— Laura Kightlinger

What is Marriage?

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funny-sexy-quotes

Funny Sexy Quotes For The Lonely:

"I'm so good in sex because I practice a lot on my own"

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom"

"Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk"

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all"

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women"

Software is like Sex. Its better when it is free

"Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

About Men

Bad Boys are Like Junk Food...

"I suppose women are attracted to the bad-boy image sometimes because it's fun to have an adventure. It's like eating junk food... it's fun at the time, but ultimately not the best choice."

— Dita Von Teese

Funny Sexy Quotes About Men:

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

"Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed." Marcello Mastroianni

“Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.” ― Marilyn Monroe, My Story


About Women:

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 380L convertible." PJ O'Rourke

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man." Mignon McLaughlin

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

— Robert De Niro

Why Do Men Wear Dresses

funny-sexy-quotes

About Women and Mechanical Devices

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." (P. J. O'Rourke)

funny-sexy-quotes

The Battle of the Sexes

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.”
― Henry Kissinger

“It may be a man's world, but men are easily controlled by women.” ― Ashly Lorenzana

“A womanly occupation means, practically, an occupation that a man disdains.” ― George Gissing, The Odd Women

How to be funny

Funny Advert

Sex is Like Math

funny-sexy-quotes

Silly Questions:

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” ― Woody Allen

“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.” Steve Martin

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

"So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?" - Billy Connolly

Only for clever, mathematically minded people:

"The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant." I must admit, that I still do not get this one, but I thought I would include it anyway to see if any of you do!

Only for literature lovers:

"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."-William Shakespeare

"Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed." Shakespeare

"Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand." ~ Angela Lambert

For history lovers:

"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me."-Bette Midler

funny-sexy-quotes

Get the six pack you've always wanted without hitting the gym by throwing on this cool t-shirt.

Great quotes About Sex

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"Sex is just like hacking. You get in, you get out. And you pray you left nothing behind"

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant."-Henry Miller

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin

"Having sex can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner"

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen

"The psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said, 'It is if you're doing it right.'" -Woody Allen

"In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact". Marlene Dietrich

funny-sexy-quotes

Safe Sex Condom Spot

About unforgettable experiences:

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady)

To Be In Love

funny-sexy-quotes

A Funny Songs About Sex: AC DC Big Balls with lyrics

For smokers:

"The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette."

"If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.", Woody Allen

Life quotes:

"Life is like Tango... sad, sensual, sexy, violent and quiet."

A stupendous collection of quotes and funny sayings

Sight Test: Can you see the naked girl in the last line?

Can you see the naked girl in the last line?

Can you see the naked girl in the last line?

© 2008 Wendy Iturrizaga

Comments

Cassie Londons on July 03, 2020:

XD Thank you for posting this, it really made me laugh

leotorres on July 31, 2013:

nice work

partyjokes on February 12, 2013:

Great Hub, Princessa! Keep it up.

Teesa on November 02, 2011:

Hi my name is teesa

SATISH on November 01, 2011:

The best one for me......

"women need a reason to have sex...but...men only needs a place!!"

AND I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation

NICE KEEP GOING ........IN

imu on October 31, 2011:

nice quotes

emile on October 19, 2011:

i enjoy reading all the quotes

chris on October 15, 2011:

all the quotes are so cool

amanda on October 07, 2011:

all the quotes were hilarious,,, love them all

Amit soni on September 19, 2011:

Fantastic i like it wow

4tune from Michigan on July 05, 2011:

I like this one: "Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."-Sophia Loren.

And wow so many times I thought wrong, lol!

NIKHIL on July 02, 2011:

The best one for me......

"women need a reason to have sex...but...men only needs a place!!"

mtsi1098 on May 12, 2011:

i just stumbleupon this and it is great...do you know what sex and video games have in common? they both have single player mode :)

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on March 07, 2011:

Hi ryankett, congratulations on your kindle book, it will be a pleasure to present it here.

ryankett on March 06, 2011:

Hi Princessa, I have published a big Kindle book of sex quotes, you may want to add it to one of your Amazon capsules?

http://www.amazon.com/Mammoth-Inspirational-Famous...

Mrs. J. B. from Southern California on February 03, 2011:

Thanks for making me laugh.

Latin Women on August 07, 2010:

I love the Marilyn Monroe quote. She's awesome.

Angie on June 18, 2010:

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part" Aimee Mullins

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."-Sophia Loren

I love these, both are so true.

nareswari on May 31, 2010:

j'adore !!! lust, love, passion and sex !!

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on May 04, 2010:

Lester and shoni: Glad you liked this, like George Bernard Shaw said "I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation." :)

shoni on May 04, 2010:

i love love these quotes. they are great! :)

lester G on April 18, 2010:

guys more sexeh comments please...

lester on April 16, 2010:

haha! uses all this here in my facebook like everybody likes it!

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on March 15, 2010:

samboiam:Talking about stinking funny... You know? thank God for the Inland Revenue. If it weren't for them, I'd be stinkin Rich!

samboiam from Texas on March 15, 2010:

Too stinkin funny. I laughed a few times while reading this hub. I have linked it to my latest hub Let's Talk Sex. Good job, keep it coming.

Pram on October 08, 2009:

Reallyyyy

Like Itzzzz

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on March 30, 2009:

Thanks for your comments and quotes guys, you rock :)

mayhmong from North Carolina on March 29, 2009:

That quote for the objection was hilliarious!

The wife was a sex object. Every time he asked for sex, she objects!

Julianna from SomeWhere Out There on March 29, 2009:

Oh Princessa, I love these quotes and do have to say I was laughing hard as some of these are hysterical I am so glad that you wrote about this, thanks for the laughs. :)

Mr Nice from North America on March 29, 2009:

Hola princess!

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein

ahmadrad from beavertron oregon on March 26, 2009:

This is a pretty amazing collection of quotes, from all across the board. I enjoyed it, thanks for posting.

barit from Russia on March 06, 2009:

In our country not live without humor, it's a fact. Moreover, if you want to live with a woman. We say - a woman - this is the suitcase without a handle, hard to bear, and throw a pity ...

mattferry from California on January 25, 2009:

had no idea robert deniro had a quote like that... And why can't the eye test start backwards? it should start with the no dress and then gets dressed on the tiny part. lol

Derek H on November 18, 2008:

Gutted was trying to get in the rec books for the biggest pancake but had to give up we could'nt find a big enough tosser haha

Compu-Smart from London UK on November 07, 2008:

lmao! I loved Wody Allens "If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast." soo funny!

Motaz from Egypt on October 04, 2008:

That was so funny :)

good quotes

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 26, 2008:

real32586: beautiful? Beauty is the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. (Ambrose Bierce)

real32586 on September 25, 2008:

call me blue_tiger32@hotmail.com u are really sooooooo beautiful.....

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 25, 2008:

shipsuperstore: like Muhammad Ali said "When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble." LOL

Robert Winfrey from NC,USA on September 24, 2008:

Great Hub

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 24, 2008:

MXMan: " Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men." (Joseph Conrad) ;-)

MXMan on September 24, 2008:

Come on! What's not to get? "The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant." Get a boy friend and ask or just think about it!

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 23, 2008:

Benson: "You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." (Mark Twain)

Benson Yeung from Hong Kong on September 23, 2008:

I couldn't see any girl with clothes on. Have I passed the eye sight test?

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 23, 2008:

jennydasinga: Like Bernard Shaw said “My way of joking is telling the truth; that is the funniest joke in the world”

jennydasinga on September 23, 2008:

Hi Princessa, I liked a number of quotes here, but the words in the picture below are the best I have read....keep the quotes and jokes coming...

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 22, 2008:

Ananta65: talking about direction... "Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles." (Roseanne Barr)

Just Rodney: maybe she was thinking that she didn't fight her way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

betherickson: thanks, I never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway!

betherickson from Minnesota on September 22, 2008:

:) I really had fun reading your hub. I love it. Thumb's up for you!

Rodney Fagan from Johannesberg South Africa, The Gold Mine City on September 22, 2008:

Too true Princessa I think you are right, all that rich Whitehouse food!

Ananta65 on September 22, 2008:

I yes, our sense of direction, our dowsing rod is located below the waist :)

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 22, 2008:

Reagu: "If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex". (Kate Beckinsale)... Thankfully, no one told me ;-)

Ananta65: so maybe Mae west was right after all when she said: "When women go wrong, men go right after them" ;-)

Karlyn: Really, sex and laughter do go very well together, and I wondered - and I still do - which is more important.

Karlyn from www.voiceboks.com on September 21, 2008:

I love these quotes. Very very funny! Thanks!

Ananta65 on September 21, 2008:

https://hubpages.com/forum/topic/7794

For some reason I was thinking about you too, Princessa ;)

reagu from Los Angeles on September 21, 2008:

Truly enjoyable and funny.

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 21, 2008:

Ananta65: You see... I was thinking about you :)

Ananta65 on September 21, 2008:

A great hub, Princessa! And of course I was pleased to see two Dutch videos :)

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 15, 2008:

funride: “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein

Shadesbreath: I like your quote and if needed we can change "women" for "men" ;-)

Just_Rodney: Talking about truisms, I couldn't resist quoting Monica Lewinsky: "I voted Republican this year; the Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth. "

Rodney Fagan from Johannesberg South Africa, The Gold Mine City on September 15, 2008:

Excellent, an sbsolute laugh. Barbara Bush's statement on Clinton is still my favourite truism.

Ricardo Nunes from Portugal on September 15, 2008:

LOL again... in fact I haven´t really saw her but I did imagine her in my mind :D . And you know what they say "A good imagination it´s also critical!" :P

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 15, 2008:

Misha: at least you are in luck "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think." Big hug :)

Misha from DC Area on September 14, 2008:

LOL That's a nice one Wendy. :)

Well, at least I can tell the women if I see one :P

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 14, 2008:

Ashwinspga: Thanks for the kiss and hug. “A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away.” .

Isabella: Nice to "see" you again. Here is another Robin Williams quote I like: “You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”

Misha: Did you hear the one about the man who went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

Funride: Did you see the naked girl?

Violet: That reminds me that "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!"

Fishskinfreak: glad to put a smile on your face :)

fishskinfreak2008 from Fremont CA on September 14, 2008:

Very interesting and funny

VioletSun from Oregon/ Name: Marie on September 14, 2008:

This was one of my favorite ones:

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all"

Entertaining hub!  

Ricardo Nunes from Portugal on September 14, 2008:

Great hub Princessa, you made me laugh from top to bottom.

Misha, uma boa visão é fundamental! (transl. - a good vision is critical!) :p

Misha from DC Area on September 14, 2008:

I can't see the naked girl. :(

Even with my glasses. ;)

Isabella Snow on September 14, 2008:

I love those Robin Williams quotes! Great hub!

ASHWINSPGA from Lion City ( Singapore) on September 14, 2008:

I totally enjoyed every single bits and pieces of this hub Ms Princessa till i went up again and gave it another read. Just could not get enough of it. The quotes i mean... really!!! My favourite is "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

and my fav video was the CSI Miami ad which was in the tube of the Funny and sexy paper video  among the other videos. Its 7.30am in Singapore and you totally brightened my morning. A big (((hug))) and a big :=@kiss for you. Thank you so much. Here is one from me.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.:=)

Wendy Iturrizaga (author) from France on September 14, 2008:

Christoph: thanks for the tip on Groucho, I'll update the author ASAP. Come back if you remember any other funny-sexy quote ;-)

Dubai? Is that an "Indecent proposal"?

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on September 14, 2008:

Yea! I love quotes! Very funny! Often, the ones that ring of truth are the funniest. Just a note, I love Groucho quotes. The one "I had a wonderful evening, this wasn't it," was Groucho Marx to a hostess upon leaving her party.

"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen

Thanks for the great hub, Princessa. Should I move to Dubai?