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Funny Quotes, Sayings, Thoughts

Don't you just love to laugh? Even better, don't you just love to be the funny one? I love making people laugh, but unfortunately funny quotes don't always come to us straight away. Even the funniest of people sometimes have their crashes where they can't think of something that will make everyone laugh, it's just the way things go in life. One day you could be a total clown, the next the most depressing and non-humourous person on the planet.

But as your humour fairy godmother I will help save you from that gloomy trap that many fall into. I have found loads and loads of funny quotes that will keep you going forever more. They're just to get you started, and before you know it you could be back on track with people in stitches at the slip of your tongue.

Try it, and good luck!


Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

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Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

You can't have everything....where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Lights on, door open, nobody at home

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

He's as bent as a butchers hook

He's as happy as a Pig in $hit

About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

About as subtle as a flying brick

She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum

She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

About as interesting as watching paint dry

Av seen better looking bodies at a scrap yard

I've seen better hands on a clock

As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

She ran off quicker than sh*t off a shovel

She's as fit as a butchers dog

She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

Uglier than a hat full of assholes.

As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks

As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

This guy is all foam, no beer.

As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

About as useless as a jam sandwich to a drowning rabbit.

A legend in his own mind...

He's an expert on padded cells.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute screw the fruit!

Don’t follow in my footsteps because I run into walls.

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

When life hands you a lemon, demand a Corona to go with it.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

I’m not crazy... I’m just intellectually independent.

Few women admit their ages... few men act theirs.

Twenty four hours in a day, twenty four beers in a case... coincidence, I think not.

Cupid requires target practice – every time he shoots me, he hits me right between the eyes so that I am too blind to see.

I’ve learned that the dashing white knight who was supposed to sweep me off my feet has apparently gotten lost in the forest.

I’ve gotta be me... everyone was already taken.

.sgniht ta kool uoy yaw eht egnahc ot tog ev’uoY

Don’t jump to conclusions – you may fall flat on your face.

The best things come to those who wait... yeah right! The only thing that comes to those who wait are the leftovers from those who hustle.

Conscience: the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

I assume full responsibility for my actions... except those that are someone else’s fault.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did: in my sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

You’re schizophrenic?! Gee, that makes four of us.

I’m so hungry I could eat a buttered monkey.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The original title of the movie XXX was XXXX, but one of the Xs got scared and ran away when they heard they cast Vin Diesel.

Cannibals are what they eat.

It’s a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.

They all think I'm insane. But they're the ones WITHOUT an imaginary friend. Really, a little imagination please?! It's what powers the rainbows!!!

I’m never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

I met the man of my dreams last night...shame I had to wake up just as it was getting interesting.

I don't mind people talking behind my back it means that they are just jealous of my ass!

I keep clicking my fingers but the house remains a mess, I'm now thinking Mary Poppins is a fake.

A fly just landed on my screen and I tried right-clicking it to delete it.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says "AHH, we're in an oven!" and the other muffin says "HOLY SHIT - TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

I’m amazing in bed – I can sleep for hours!

Why do you press harder on a TV remote when you know the battery’s dead?

Have you ever wondered if some of the money you’ve ever held in your grubby little paw has been in a stripper’s underwear? If not you probs are now!

"I see!" said the blind man to the deaf guy on the phone as the crippled children ran up and down the stairs and the dog shat in a round box in the corner.

Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Have fun!


Vervyy on December 10, 2010:

Awsome collection cmiller!! thanks for sharing!! keep rocking!!

Claire Miller (author) from UK on December 01, 2010:

haha, thanks rjun.., glad you liked them :)

rjun.. on November 25, 2010:

very nice quo0tes!

i'm freakingly loving it...!


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