This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!
Anybody who sees enough movies knows you’re going to get your share of bad ones. One, or I, at least hope they’re entertainingly bad so there’s something to help pass the running time so it’s not interminable.
What no one hopes for is a movie that’s both bad and boring.
Sadly enough, that’s the case for Fingers. Sadly for me because I have to write about it which means I have to think about this tedious movie after sitting through it.
I’m not trying to be a hero. I’m just trying to write this review as fast as I can so I never ever have to think about this f*cking movie ever again.
Maybe I should do the lone reader---
---a favor and just say that Fingers is a bad movie and you should stay more than a finger’s length way. It’s for your own good and the good of your children and the good of your pets, especially your cat Persephone.
I’ve wasted enough time on this movie.
I will waste more writing about it.
You should just click on something else and know that so much time was wasted watching this movie.
But it feels so much longer.
Please just go. Live your life. Forget about me and this dreary movie. Tell that woman or man or woman/man hybrid you love her/her/it. There’s a chance your love will be reciprocated.
There’s virtually no chance you’ll like this movie. Unless you’re related to Fingers’ writer/director Juan Ortiz. If you’re his parents, I completely understand. You have to support your son Juan even though his film makes you want to _______ (insert something bad you wouldn’t normally do).
That’s super harsh Mrs. Ortiz.
You think you’re sad. I now have to write about it…
Fingers opens when you still had hope. When there’s a chance the movie could still be good or you can choose another one that isn’t so life draining.
We meet our main character Amanda (Sabina Friedman-Seitz). She’s looking over herself in the mirror. We think it’s just vanity. We’re wrong.
You see, Amanda has a thing for physical perfection. It’s a neuroses she can’t seem to control. Anything (including herself) that isn’t physically perfect makes her nauseous.
Amanda and her husband Peter (Alex Zuko) run a computer type business. To be honest there doesn’t seem to be much in the budget to make the place where Amanda works look like anything but a storage facility.
Amanda arrives at work and sees that one of her programmers Walter (Stan Madray) is missing a finger. Amanda has an immediate physical reaction. She wants Walter fired. Peter will not fire Walter because he’s one of their best computer people who does things with computers.
What happened with Walter you ask as if you really care? It turns out that our friend Walt has been visited every night by two furries named Talky Panda and Quiet Clown. As if being visited by furries at your home isn’t bad enough, they chop off another one of his fingers.
The next morning Amanda sees that Walter is missing another one of his digits and she begins convulsing. Amanda needs help and she knows it.
Amanda goes to see Dr. Scotty. She’s impressed with what she sees because he charges her $50 for a book he’s written and his office looks like they shoot amateur porn in it after the doctor leaves.
Dr. Scotty’s methods are needless to say, unorthodox. But some of what Amanda’s reading resonates for her and she’s ready to conquer her fears. So she buys a gun.
A white person solving their problems with a gun. Shocking I know. You know what they say about a gun appearing in the first act…
While Amanda is actively trying to solve her problems, it seems Walter’s are just beginning. It’s night again, and he’s visited by Talky and Quiet. They’ve already gotten two of this fingers, and if I’m doing the math correctly (though I am Asian, I’m not that great at math but I do love the taste of delicious cat or dog if there’s no cat available), he only has eight more fingers left.
Why are they choosing Walter? And what will happen when he runs out of fingers?
All these questions will be answered but by the time they are you will have been long past caring or will lost some fingers yourself to stave off boredom.
What Is Not Terrible About Fingers
- There’s a character named Fox played by an actor named Michael St. Michaels. Throughout the movie I wondered what must have been going through Michael St. Michaels’ parents to name him Michael. Was it a family thing or were they simply not that creative? It’s a testament to how bad this movie is that I’m more interested in Michael St. Michaels than I am in the movie.
What Doesn’t Work With Fingers
- Labeled a horror/comedy, Fingers is neither scary nor is it funny. Juan Ortiz’ screenplay is filled with ideas for jokes and hints at possible scares, but none of them land. You realize this not long into the movie and it’s still your choice to stop watching it. If you continue you have no one to blame but yourself. I can’t really criticize your choice because I’m the one that thought it would be a good idea to review this. Learn from my mistakes.
- I never hold it against the movie when characters are unlikable, but Amanda is such an abrasive character that you don’t care whether she succeeds in her therapy or not. You just want the movie to end. It’s not Sabina Friedman-Seitz’ fault as she plays it as well as anyone can, it’s just not that long into the movie that you don’t care about anything that happens to any of them.
- As mentioned before, Fingers is only 87 minutes, but it feels so much longer than that because the movie seems like a bunch of pointless scenes cobbled together. Scenes go on way too long and don’t really move the story forward. Would tighter editing have helped? Possibly. Maybe edit 86 of the 87 minutes out.
Don’t lay a finger on Fingers.
© 2021 Noel Penaflor