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Fiber One Bars: Gastrointestinal Health Gone Horribly Wrong

Fiber One - Regularity with a BANG!

Fiber One - Regularity with a BANG!

I want to talk to you about the most insidious product ever made by man. It’s called a Fiber One Bar. It’s a product that comes in several flavors, all of which are totally delicious, and it’s actually healthy too. OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT THEY TELL YOU. It turns out that “healthy” can be relative. Which is why I'm now going to tell you a little story, after which you can let me know if you think this sounds "healthy" or not:

Some time back—I needed distance from this story before I could tell it—I found some delicious candy bars in a box my dear wife handed me to take to work during one of my destined-to-fail dietary phases. I only glanced briefly at the product packaging, the picture really, and saw that it was some sort of honey-glazed oaty thing with drizzles of caramel on top. Now, I happen to be the world’s singularly biggest caramel fan. So, since I would probably eat dog shit if it had enough caramel on it, it should come as no shock to you that I was more than happy to indulge in a couple of oaty honey caramel candy bar things. So I did. I ate two of them. They were fantastic. Props to General Mills for making something so delicious.

However, they will burn in hell for what they did to my body.

"What do you mean red meat isn't fiber?"

"What do you mean red meat isn't fiber?"

First off, how about a warning on that crap? How about a big red sign that says, “DUDE, DON’T EAT TWO OF THESE THINGS OR YOU WILL FUCKING EXPLODE!!!!” And I really think they need all four of those exclamation points and the profanity. I’m serious. That is a natural disaster waiting to happen. You know how scientists say that the caldera bubbling up under the Midwest of the U.S. is going to blow up and kill millions of people, maybe even billions? Well so will eating two Fiber One Bars, especially if your normal fiber intake is like – 400% of the recommended daily amount and has been for, say, ever.

So here’s what happened. Me, caramel loving dumbass that I am, ate my two Fiber One bars happily and then, a short while later, headed off to a class. (For those of you who don’t know me, I take graduate classes at night.) So, off I went, ready to dazzle my peers with my insights and philosophical whatever gleaned from whatever it was we had read that week. Yeah. Off I went.

fiber-one-bars-gastrointestinal-health-gone-horribly-wrong

Turns out there was a test that evening. A long one, one of those blue book tests that’s all essay answers. You know, the kind where everyone in the entire room is absolutely silent, heads down, writing away in unison, the only sound the muffled scrape of graphite on paper lightly amplified by a wooden desk. You can hear every sniffle anyone makes. Every gasp or irritated guffaw upon discovery of a mistake or a question for which some student has no clue. And you can damn sure hear every last goddamn rumble of my fat ass passing 6,000 PSI of methane through the twists and turns of my gastrointestinal tract. I didn’t know what the hell that was, but those bubbles were rocketing through my tubes faster than all that shit blowing out of BP’s ruptured oil well in the Gulf ever did. The big difference was, I had to keep the cap on, if you know what I mean. I couldn’t let anything get out. Apparently I had more respect for the environmental concerns of my peers than BP does for the Louisiana coastline, if you get what I’m saying. Not to mention my dignity. So no, uh, nothing could escape. And, since I was in the middle of a test and couldn’t leave or it would look like I was going out to check my notes or something, and since my rotundity gives my abdomen the acoustical qualities of a cello, everyone in that damn class heard everything. RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE, went the bubbles, rattling around the corners of my gut tracts like bobsledders on the brink of losing it at every turn. RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE they went again after hitting the clenched, shall we say, back door valve, and then running back up the track. That gas pack was like a horde of evil fat kids shooting sleds down a hill at breakneck speeds, only to run back up and go again. Over and over in a macabre gastrointestinal nightmare. It was awful. And every f-ing face in that room was looking right at me.

I had the BP oil and gas leak going off in me ... except I wasn't letting it escape.

I had the BP oil and gas leak going off in me ... except I wasn't letting it escape.

You can't hide the sound of 1000 elephants tap-dancing on a wooden stage.

You can't hide the sound of 1000 elephants tap-dancing on a wooden stage.

How could I hide it? How do you hide the sound of a thousand elephants tap-dancing on a giant wooden stage? It’s not like I could look around at the people next to me and give them one of those wide-eyed “Dude, what the hell did you have for lunch?” expressions as if it was them making all that noise. You know, one of those moves that would throw the rest of the room off my trail. I couldn’t. Trust me, I tried, and nobody was buying it.

So I looked back at my blue book and tried to fathom what I would say to the question, tried to just suck it up and finish my test. I was an ace student, never missed anything, discipline my strength. 4.0 GPA. The master. Focus.

I had nothing. Couldn’t think of a thing. I felt like this was my first day in the class and I’d never read any of the books. All I could think of was the sensation of the methane kids jamming up at the top of the hill, getting ready to rocket through my pipes again, screaming all the way, drawing attention to my bloated shame. I think I drew pictures on the pages for a while. Pictures of hot air balloons and cannons going off.  I wanted to bury my head in my desk, just slam my face right through the top.  It would have felt good.

I wanted to bury my head in the desk.

I wanted to bury my head in the desk.

The teacher finally looked up at me, she being only a few feet away, and said, “Are you okay?”

Well, that brought some snickers from across the room. Two douchebags in slacker cloth and piercings just couldn’t hold it in. So they snickered. And not the candy bar kind. The laughter kind. The kind that turns two laughing douchebags into four. And then eight, and so on.

Ho ho, hah hah, Shadesbreath has gas and is probably going to die.

I got an A-minus on that test. The only A-minus I’d ever gotten. An F-ing A-minus. Did you know that if you drop the “mi” from A-minus you just have A-nus. There’s a shocking coincidence don’t you think?

So anyway, I guess my point is, never, ever, no matter how healthy you think you want to be, or no matter how much you love caramel, NEVER eat two Fiber One Bars unless you want to die… of shame.

If I were a caldera, I would have blown myself up just to take out those two douchebags.

Needless to say, I did not die. I wanted to, but I did not. I did wish, as I slipped into bed that night, for some sort of restitution from my wife, the one who tried to kill me with those oaty bars. I’m not proud of it, but I confess to having nodded off to sleep with visions of the gastronomic blast that would send her flying across the room to crash into the doors of the cabinets opposite her side of the bed, flung there violently by the mighty release of the pressure she had caused. I could imagine her sort of slumpy, lying in the heap of wrecked wood and shattered glass, shaking the splinters from her hair and blinking a sleepy, “What the F---?” at me. To which I could mumble, “I feel much healthier. Thanks for thinking of me today," between snores. That would teach her.

"WTF?"

"WTF?"

However, if you do happen to be in the market for a fiber bar, I can tell you with absolute and total authority that Fiber One Bars work famously. Have one.

Like to read? Check out my new novel: The Galactic Mage

This is my new novel. It's getting great reviews. Click over and have a look at the video trailer to see what the book is about. (The video is awesome!)

This is my new novel. It's getting great reviews. Click over and have a look at the video trailer to see what the book is about. (The video is awesome!)

Fibrous Links

  • My website and blog
    If you laughed and perhaps find humor humorous, then hop on over to my website and bookmark that bad boy. The blog will amuse you, plus, you can see what's up in the world of writing, and maybe even find a book or short story you like. Come on over!
  • My Facebook Page
    Come hang out on Facebook with me. Keep up with the latest sarcasm, satire and ranting diatribe. It's fun. Really.
  • Fiber One Oats and Chocolate Bar Review
    I wish I'd read the first comment that follows this. LOL.
  • Fiber One Bars make me Fart - Please God No
    Turns out I'm not the only one either. This is short and it's pretty funny.

Comments

Ilona Elliott on September 07, 2015:

Shades think back...what exactly did you do to your old lady prior to her gifting you the fiber one bars? I'm thinkin she knew exactly what you were in for. We can be tricky you know...

Butteryourbacon on February 25, 2015:

I know exactly how you feel. I'm living it as we speak. Just thought I'd refer you to a funny SNL Short, Colon Blow, check it out.

Debra Allen from West By God on February 07, 2015:

Hahahahahaha! I see that you are still around. I tried to find your latest post but HP has screwed with that too. I am just stopping by to say "HI".

tina robertson on January 19, 2015:

I was laughing hysterically at the start of your story I didn't even have to read it to know the erosion feeling of lava up down till the exposion. Yep I would say you got the heat from both ends

Lindsay Glass on January 06, 2015:

They are delicious, and this is hilarious. I don't eat them, anymore, after spending two hours begging my sister to take me to the ER because I was convinced I had appendicitis.

ErinKathleen19 on June 12, 2014:

This is perfect. Thanks for a good laugh! I once ate 2 fiber one brownies when I was full time subbing at a middle school and the kids kept asking me why I was sitting down clutching my stomach...little did they know.

Madiraine on February 13, 2014:

Those FiberOne bars ARE awful! I had one this morning and right now I'm paying for it. I've had them in the past but the effects are so delayed I have never put the two together. I was talking to a coworker about it and she jokingly asked me if I had a Fiber bar today then laughed and shared an experience where a lady in her cubicle area brough a whole box and passed them out to all of the ladies in the area. (LIGHTBULB)

OMG I'm glad I wore my SPANX today or I am positive I wouldn't still fit in my pants! I want to die!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on November 27, 2012:

Yes, it was terrible. Fortunately, I am a bastion of masculine... something... and so I endured and stuff. :)

Thanks for reading. It's always nice to find someone willing to work through and find the funny ones. :)

QudsiaP1 on November 26, 2012:

Hahahha, oh my God Shadesbreath! You poor thing!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 30, 2012:

Hah, yeah, the agony of it all, eh? Sort of brings new meaning to the term, "That's going to leave a mark," don't it? :D

Eunice Elizabeth from Vancouver, BC on October 22, 2012:

Wicked sense of humour, I know someone who tried the brownie Fiber One. He ate about 6 in one go, never laughed so hard. The box should absolutely come with Hugh warning labels.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 25, 2012:

Eventually it will pass.

Skilynnrenea on September 24, 2012:

I am having your same problem RIGHT NOW! It hurts like hell

Shadesbreath (author) from California on July 27, 2012:

Not like you weren't warned. It's your dignity's funeral.

:P

mythbuster from Utopia, Oz, You Decide on July 26, 2012:

I am going to buy a Fiber One bar tomorrow - perhaps two of them - because I don't have an exam tomorrow :)

Shadesbreath (author) from California on June 14, 2012:

Well, April, it's like a chain reaction of biological expulsions expanding outward from the explosive ground zero of the fibrous attack. The horrors of those bars only continues as we see in your example the insidiousness of the impact playing out beyond even the original consumption. Frightening!

April on June 14, 2012:

Hilarious. Peed my pants reading this... Quite appropriate since we are talking about body orifices.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on April 26, 2012:

Roger that, EGP.

EGP on April 25, 2012:

thank you for your reply...I will get back to you by the end of June.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on April 25, 2012:

Hi Ellen. I do illustrate a little, both my daughter and I, depending on what style you need. Price is based on what we end up doing, size, color or B&W, level of detail etc.. Something as simple as the stuff in this article wouldn't cost much at all. Send me an email (click the link up near the top that says "contact shadesbreath") and we can figure it out. Or you can reach me through my writing website at daultonbooks.com (Contact Us).

Ellen Groves Paiva on April 25, 2012:

Not related to topic exactly however, but do you illustrate as well? I am pursuing a Catholic Annulment and would like to include a few illustrations (boy the Archdiocese will be happy ;))..how much do you charge for a small pic to fit in the margin or between paragraph of a gagged bride being dragged by a runaway horse and carriage?

Shadesbreath (author) from California on April 16, 2012:

I wasn't in the room when it all went wrong for you, so I can only appreciate the sonorous gastronomic spectacle that might have taken place. It's been my experience that the anatomical discrepancy in colonic volume, like the difference between a fiddle and a cello, between males and females makes a relative comparison like you are trying to make somewhat academic, but, again, since I was not there, I am willing to imagine thunderous sonic outcomes of a most painful, resonant, and humiliatingly atomic conspicuousness for you despite any real evidence... in keeping with my general desire to assume gender equality, even in the arena of unspeakable disgustingness. :D

Shanna from Utah on April 16, 2012:

I ate a half a box, and by male v female fitness standards, females only have to do half as much (and sometimes even less) as males, so technically, by my roundabout, nonsensical logic, I've eaten a whole box before.

Impressed now?

Shadesbreath (author) from California on April 16, 2012:

Well, Adam, as much as I love to impress people, that would be suicide.

Adam on April 16, 2012:

Try eating a whole box and i'll be impressed, then come back to me...

Shadesbreath (author) from California on February 28, 2012:

Thanks, Plaid Pages. Always glad to find people who can appreciate the, erm, humorous moments our lives (and our bodies) put us through, and share in the humanity of it all.

plaid pages from Wisconsin on February 27, 2012:

Voted UP and funny.

plaid pages from Wisconsin on February 27, 2012:

Oh my! I burst out laughing over and over.

You are hilarious and I'm certainly a fan!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on January 15, 2012:

Thanks, Christin S, good advice. And what fun is there in this life if we can't laugh at ourselves, right? :D

Christin Sander from Midwest on January 15, 2012:

very funny indeed - although I must say they do have a warning on the box. Of course it's in small print and not as cleverly worded or outstanding as yours is LOL... Definitely stick to only one a day or if you do suddenly increase your fiber intake (healthy) drink a lot of water. The best advice is do so gradually with actual fruits and veggies and all that good stuff :)

I'm in college classes though and I totally felt for you while laughing at the story at the same time - lol great hub.

Jason Menayan from San Francisco on January 12, 2012:

Following :)

Shadesbreath (author) from California on January 12, 2012:

Shanna, don't worry about expectations. Just write from your heart and let that voice develop. (Read good books, all the time too, although I'm guessing you already do).

Livelonger, I think we're in luck, she added a profile and a hub earlier. It's a great start, check it out.

Crystal D, you'll be fine so long as you don't place yourself in public where ridicule is an issue. :)

Crystal D on January 12, 2012:

F*ck I wish I'd read this an hour sooner..... I just ate two of them damn things..... uuuggggghhhh FML

Jason Menayan from San Francisco on January 12, 2012:

Shades: I think the "Jerusalem" in the name is a corruption of the Italian girasole (sunflower), but, hell, let's blame this on the terrrrists anyway! ;)

I just read Shanna's painful account of her experience with chicory root, and have to agree that she has tremendous writing talent. Hope she writes more on HP!

Shanna from Utah on January 12, 2012:

I am completely honored you find my agonizing description to be so well written and delighted by the follower before I even wrote anything! I hope I can live up to your expectations!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on January 11, 2012:

ROFL, it must be terrorism... or, counter terrorism since the artichokes are from Jerusalem? Hell, I always lose track of who the badguys are supposed to be, but just lololol. Great link. (I hope, by the way, that you took the time to read the comment above my last one. It's as least equally as amusing as that gem you linked, and you don't even have to leave the page!!!)

Jason Menayan from San Francisco on January 11, 2012:

Yep, I know this problem well. It's the inulin (not to be confused with insulin), a vaguely-sweet substance that "counts" as a fiber, but actually feeds hungry, gas-producing bacteria in your GI tract. But it ups the number of grams of fiber on the nutrition information label!

Avoid INULIN and CHICORY ROOT...the same stuff. The same goes for Jerusalem artichokes. They're full of inulin, and they are deadly. Enjoy this hysterically funny recount of one woman's unfortunate experience with the stuff:

http://www.phelios.com/sd/archives/feb05.html

Shadesbreath (author) from California on January 11, 2012:

Shanna, not only is this the best response of all time to any of my articles ever, I am STILL laughing out loud (and notice I typed that out not the acronym version). Having been at a few of those fancy-feast feasts myself, I can imagine how mortifying that was (and am laughing AT you, even as I commiserate completely). WONDERFULLY funny comment, delightfully written, and not only am I very glad you commented on this, I sincerely hope you take that account you made and put that fantastic writing voice you have into more humor that can be shared (and maybe make you 8 cents per month). Wow, what a gem to find this comment. I'm not kidding, I hope you write more on here.

Shanna from Utah on January 11, 2012:

I created an account here JUST so I could commiserate. I discovered fiber one bars on a quick trip to the tiny little corner grocery on my campus. I saw them on a shelf and vaguely remembered my high school teacher harping about the dangers of low fiber intake (all invariably ended in death) and decided I would take SOMETHING from high school to heart. I set them on my desk for a few days until one early morning when I had to take my roommate's sister to a bus stop. It was early and the ride was lengthy, so I chowed down on two, and tucked another in my bag.

About three hours into the trip, I chowed down on the third one.

The agony was indescribable and didn't even kick in until later that afternoon. I have delicate intestines anyway, but this was like some sort of medieval instrument of torture was trying to give birth to triplets in my midsection. Not only that, but my other roommate had invited me and our two other roommates out to dinner at her prestigious grandparents home.

I cannot fathom how I managed to make it through the night, still speaking competently and coherently without any punctuating moans. I too, was in the same predicament and could not give birth to my triplets of torture. At some point, I noticed that I was stabbing myself in the hand with my hosts' fancy silver dining fork to distract myself. Three! How could I have eaten THREE!? I suppose I deserve what I got, but I'm absolutely sure that my roommate's grandparents thought I was a strange, antisocial, grunting neanderthal, who was only allowed into college out of pity and was also thus invited to dinner out of pity.

How could something tasty be so physically monstrous? The bumpy ride home was another level of Hell and it was only the remains of my pride that kept me from begging them to just open the windows and let me die peacefully.

After forcibly removing myself from the company of decent folk in order to protect an innocent society for several hours more, I returned to my room and discovered the box's tiny, discreet warning about gastrointestinal discomfort much to my disgusted, faintly ironic chagrin.

It's been a few months since that disastrous dinner date, which clearly was as painful for my hosts as it was for me; I was never invited back. Only today have I decided that I've healed enough emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and most of all physically to try and reintroduce (SLOWLY) fiber back into my diet. I had just one fiber one bar eaten in halves throughout the day. And still... it is agony.

I completely understand your pain. :( I also hate blue book tests. Loved the article, both because I could relate, and it was hilarious!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on January 05, 2012:

Well, Joan, that's what you get for finally peeking up from your knitting long enough to look into a post-Victorian world. If you're going to be that easily offended, not to mention driven to rudeness, perhaps you should ask whichever grandkid it was that talked you into trying out the Internet to show you where the power button is on your computer. Turn it off and just ride out your remaining years watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show.

joan on January 05, 2012:

Anyone with a foul mouth like yours should have had a bad expericence with Fiber One. Too bad it wasn't loaded with soap..lol. Never could understand people using the "f" word freely. Low mentally for sure. You got what was coming to 'ya...dude.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on December 21, 2011:

Hi List of Symbols. Glad you enjoyed the humor. I actually checked out that link. Interesting. I never know how seriously to take any of that medical stuff though. There's so much differing opinion, and medical statistics, like all statistics, are so subject to agenda these days. Still an interesting link. Thanks for sharing.

&@é"ààç on December 20, 2011:

Hilarious, great writing! Especially that I think we've all been there at least once. I sure can relate to all the funny metaphores you came up with...

On fiber :

http://www.gutsense.org/fibermenace/fm_chapter1.ht...

Shadesbreath (author) from California on December 03, 2011:

lol Not so long it won't be funny no matter what. Do it.

Kelly Umphenour from St. Louis, MO on December 03, 2011:

Shadesbreath - I agree - it would be funny and if you knew how much people love to gossip at the courthouses! Everyone in the metropolitan area would hear about that:) Wicked - and I love it! I am pretty positive that if I gave him to yummy health bars he would also eat them both. The research rooms are really small too:) haha! I am going to buy a box and keep them as a staple. Everytime he says the wrong thing - I will pack a special oat bar in his lunch - wonder how long it would take him to make that correlation?

Shadesbreath (author) from California on December 03, 2011:

RealHouseWife... you should TOTALLY do that to your husband. What a hilarious and only moderately cruel joke. Spectacular idea! Do let us know how that turns out. (And no worries on finding this late.. the only reason it ended up on my FB was that for some reason it was getting a bunch of views today, and when I clicked to see why in "stats" I noticed I'd never "liked" it myself. Gotta love FB.

Hi Mark. You and your silly "fibre." There's an NFL quarterback who spelled his name like that too, "Favre" and nobody could say it, so it's pronounced "Far-v." So, based on that, I must have had a Fireb bar. Which, spoken, says, "Fire bar." Which is far more accurate, and, here, midstream as I type, suddenly realize the defense I was trying to make is wrong. It was a fire bar. I stand corrected. Fibre it is. :D

Mark Ewbie from UK on December 03, 2011:

Funny and clever, and love the illustrations. Tap dancing elephants - fantastic. And then yet more super cartoons.

You're right about fibre bars too, apart from the spelling, so informative as well. Probably some kind of moral message in there too.

Kelly Umphenour from St. Louis, MO on December 03, 2011:

Hilarious! I have tried some of the "health" bars and at least you got one that tasted good. Most of the ones I tried tasted like shhhhhhhh it! I bet the wife is pretty proud of herself for giving you such a great memory:) lol. Now my stomach hurts from laughing! I'm sorry it took me so long to find this little gem. I wonder if MY husband would like to try a few....I'll wait until I'm sure he's doing research at one of the court houses - he could give the other researchers something to talk about! LOL

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 20, 2011:

Hah hah!, JollyMom, I think THAT was the critical missing piece. They didn't explain that ONE thing very well on the box. LOL @ a funny comment. Thanks!

JollyMom on October 19, 2011:

This is brilliant! I stumbled upon this after having eaten two Fiber One Brownies the other day. I laughed so hard I cried at your description--you are spot on! I take it the "One" in Fiber One is actually critical dosage information!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 07, 2011:

Thanks for reading, Ellen, and, yes, people either have serious problems or get them... lol.

Ellen G. Paiva on October 07, 2011:

People must have some serious problems out there to warrant such products. Anyways, I need to read your other posts especially about cats. BYE!!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 06, 2011:

LOL @ "female bear". Funny stuff, Ellen. Thanks for a laugh. I guess us humans and our pipes are just, well, unbearlike.

Ellen G Paiva on October 06, 2011:

"Correctol" is the same....women's gentle laxative..yes, if you're a female bear waking up after a long hibernation.

I get the same reaction with Fiber One (any of their products).

Take care...had to put an extra 2 cents in.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 05, 2011:

LOL, tell me about it, Angel. I tiptoe through the Fiber One aisle when I'm at the grocery store as if each box were filled with fragile glass vessels of nitro glycerin.

Angel on October 04, 2011:

I wish I had read this before now. Yesterday I had my first one and today another. Guess I didn't suspect yesterdays bloating was related to the bars until today. They may taste good but they are not worth the horrific bloating.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 04, 2011:

Xenonlit, thank you kindly for your support. I do love having the term "heroic" put in the context of me and this particular hub. It makes me grin wickedly.

Ellen, thanks again, and I'm always happy to know one of my little rants/sarcasm-laced articles has amused someone.

Ellen Groves Paiva on October 04, 2011:

I wwas just putting out a kind warning! Hey, I will give their kids F1 bars in their Halloween bags. A few of them in fact. Nothing wrong with a good laugh about an unpleasant human condition. I felt like a little kid being disciplined! Lighten up people. Hope they dont faint when they see the Gax Ex commercial. Thanks again. I was in tears at work with laughter. I mean all of this in all clean (out) fun! Cheers.

Xenonlit on October 04, 2011:

Let not the Facebook friends discourage you from your mission! You are doing heroic work, here.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 03, 2011:

Well, that will show them. LOL. I can always use the traffic anyway, even they are offended and tell me I'm rude. I can live with that.

Ellen Groves Paiva on October 03, 2011:

I anm going to post this on my FB and say that "at least I was polite"....people can be such poops.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 03, 2011:

You need new Facebook friends. You current ones must not get enough fiber. :)

Ellen Groves Paiva on October 03, 2011:

And my "friends" on facebook took great offense with comments of TMI (too much informtation) when I stated in a basic comment that Fiber One Product line should be changed to Fiber Blast! Thank you! Can't anyone take a joke?

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 28, 2011:

Thanks, Abbaelijah.

elijagod from Abuja - Nigeria on September 25, 2011:

Great hub!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on August 27, 2011:

Yeah, we do do it to ourselves a lot... If I didn't like drinking (and carmel I guess), I'd probably suffer less of that sort of thing in my life. But, alas, I do, so I suppose it's the price we pay, eh? I am glad you were amused, and sorry about the mind stamping thing. Maybe get a scraper and you can get that out of there. Yikes.

ShaneMorris from Springfield, MO on August 27, 2011:

Damn them for what they've done! Very well articulated and stamped into my mind. Personally, I'm not a big caramel fan myself - avoided a disaster. Although, I can recall your situation in class. Been there, gassed that, but maybe not quite as painful as your lovely experience. I can even recall sitting in lecture hall just with my stomach incessantly grumbling and cursing for whatever reasons - brewing alcohol from the night before, my poor college student diet, or many other stupid reasons.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on June 24, 2011:

Heh heh, okay, Melissa. If I am not deluged by your Facebook compatriots, I won't judge. :) Thanks tho.

Hi Bruce, thanks for the tip. lol. I won't ask you how you know either, I promise. (I've always wondered about the Mentos and soda thing, but I'm damn sure not going to try.)

Bruce Barrett from Roanoke WestVirginia on June 24, 2011:

I feel your pain. For the record never eat a whole roll of breathsaver mints at one time. They have the same effect.

Melissa Barrett on June 23, 2011:

Greatest Product Review...EVER. Its the first Hub besides mine or hubbies that I've ever posted on my facebook. Don't expect too much traffic, my friends suck.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on January 07, 2011:

Yeah, vocalcoach, just make sure you pass it by as you laugh. You stop and eat a couple, we'll see how much laughing there is. :D

Audrey Hunt from Idyllwild Ca. on January 06, 2011:

Well - now you've done it! I laughed so hard I had to go back and read your hub again. What fun. You are hilarious. I will never again pass by a fiber one bar without laughing myself silly. Thank you. A new fan!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 18, 2010:

LOL, that is so funny. And if you were camping at altitude, the change in pressure must have been interesting on the way back down the hill. LOL. Glad I wasn't stuck in the car with you. :P

Timstown from New Jersey on October 17, 2010:

This absolutely cracked me up. Reminds me of the time I went camping and we had two big boxes of Fiber One bars from a wholesale club. I ate way too many of them during the trip (probably more than two on some days) and, needless to say, the car ride home was not a very pleasant experience. There's really nothing you can do to help it, either. Just gotta let it pass...

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 07, 2010:

You're welcome. :)

alishaneuron from Colorado (U.S) on October 07, 2010:

Thanks for great stuff!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on October 06, 2010:

Hi Amy, thanks for those kind words. And you are quite right, everything is fodder. What most people miss, I think, is that to really get the good stuff out of anything, they have to slow down and really see--deeply, with the mind turned down and the senses turned up. Then everything has wonder. Even gas. LOL.

Amy Becherer from St. Louis, MO on October 06, 2010:

So funny, so real, so human. Since I've begun contributing to Hubpages, in perusing the far reaches of my mind for "interesting" fodder, I realize "everything" is of interest to a writer. Now, I have to choose one topic from the cornucopia of everyday life experiences. Your's is great. Thanks

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 17, 2010:

Thanks, Eventsyoudesign. I am constantly telling my wife and children that I am the best, but they continuously point out flaws and mistakes I make as if that is some kind of evidence to the contrary. Thank you for confirming what I have been arguing for all along! :)

(Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed the fun).

eventsyoudesign from Nashville, Tennessee on September 17, 2010:

You make me laugh. I am new to hubpages, but I have read quit a few of the articles. You are by far the best. I could not stop laughing as I read this article. I think you could do stand-up comedy. Thanks for sharing. It is time to read another one of your articles.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 17, 2010:

OMG, M.T. "I.F" lolol. That is exactly what they are. You can't just cap 'em and you can't just do that little, erm, shutter valve tension easing attempted whisper thing either. You just sit there and rumble. I am sooooooooo with you on the "Stupid Intestines" thing. It is definitely on my list of things to complain to God about when I croak (assuming there is a god, etc.) If he's laughing when I get up there, then I'll get it and laugh too, but if he's all serious looking and stern, then I'm going to explain it to him. :D

M. T. Dremer from United States on September 17, 2010:

I hate those internal rumbling noises. I've deemed them I.F.'s short for "internal farts". They are particularly annoying because at least a fart you can hold in, I.F.'s rumble on happily, sometimes as loudly as regular farts, without your ability to control them. I've tried all sorts of fiber supplements to get my intestines on track, but every once and a while, if I happen to eat food that I like, bam! I can't go for a week. Stupid intestines.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 14, 2010:

Definitely avoid them unless you need a good colon cleansing. :) Glad you enjoyed the story.

Sa`ge from Barefoot Island on September 14, 2010:

I laughed so hard, thanks for such a great story. Am staying away from them bars. LOL thanks again!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 07, 2010:

See, Cheapskate, you got to tell me what the article in The Times was now, otherwise you just leave me hanging. As far as the FIber One Booby Trap idea,... that's just GENIUS! Imagine the fun you can have with that. You might burn in Hell for it, but for now, pretty funny.

cheapskatemate from London on September 07, 2010:

That's probably the second best thing I've read on the Internet, after my favourite news story from The Times. I'm going to buy a load of those bars and leave them around my office to deter thieves.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 06, 2010:

Woah, there's a product called Colonix? Good lord. What does it do, make you shoot concrete out of your backside like a jet thruster? Hows does a product like that get to market? Or, perhaps scarier, how does it STAY on the market? I hope I never have to find out. Sheesh.

Pro Design Source on September 06, 2010:

Ummm, yeeahhhh, we call em Fart Bars around here. The peanut butter ones were my fav. I thought if I just kept eating them my system would get used to the 400% of fiber overload. But no, had to stop buying them cause it was getting worse! Like disgustingly worse.

Reminds me of the Colonix shit. Ever tried that? Cause I would love to read about it. ;)

Thanks for the laugh.

marisuewrites from USA on September 06, 2010:

Will do...it is a bit edgy, but it describes what we've been thru lately. Hey, the Edge of Hell I think is going to be the title@!! thanks for the inspiration. coming soon...

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 05, 2010:

Don't take off the edge. The world needs truth. Let us see it how it came out. (I'd really, really love it if you emailed me when you publish it... I cut off all HP mail, so, I miss everything I don't consciously remember to go get).

marisuewrites from USA on September 05, 2010:

Aww, thank you Shades, you ALWAYS made me feel good...I have a tale to tell, and it's written, but in the editing box, as it is a little "dark" and you know me, I write about Hell, but I don't want the reading of it to be Hellish. LOL I'll lighten it up a bit and hit the ol' publish button.

I find the world is less and less kind, so I'll do my best. Yep.

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 05, 2010:

Well, that sounds like a pretty terrible trip. Probably a good idea with the dog. Or better yet, just send your old man out for take out and you can stay home with the dog until he gets back. Win-win. :)

And, glad you're back. HP needs more kind, reasonable voices these days.

marisuewrites from USA on September 04, 2010:

Awww, I'm glad you missed me!! Thanks for that warm description of shock.....LMAO

I always thot about hub and hubbers while I was out in the jungle wondering and wandering, it was quite a painful withdrawal. My ego wasn't fed and it did get grumpy!

I had to move my co-parts from Florida back to Oklahoma, and it took all my focus to keep body and soul together. The sons were in two vehicles ahead of us driving like crazy people which caused me to have 3 nervous breakdowns during the 1350 mile trek "home." Next time, I'm just traveling with the dog. Maybe hubbie if he whines, I'm so easy.

Geeeze I missed reading your wit and wisdom!

So, here I am, back in the saddle again, blisters and all!!

Shadesbreath (author) from California on September 04, 2010:

Well I'll be dipped in sh-t and rolled in rocksalt, look who just showed up on my doorstep... Marisuewrites!!! I figured you got abducted by aliens or something. It's great to see you round these here parts again. :) WHere'd ya' go?

And yes, my wife is a real trooper. Not sure how she puts up with me in general, much less my, uh, less awesome moments. lol. (I refuse to think about that A-minus, so I will not be commenting on it :P )

marisuewrites from USA on September 03, 2010:

Oh my G!!! I've been gone and this was a fantastic if somewhat explosive read for my first night back on the hub....I'm laughing so hard it hurts.

maybe a bite an hour next time?

Nothing like a clean colon, mm? An A-minus? you are human, after all! You have not fallen from grace, my friend. I like you and everything, But I ain't sittin' next to you in class...

and your wife? If she stayed in the bedroom that night, it speaks of true love...

I am full of giggles here

Shadesbreath (author) from California on August 28, 2010:

First off, Mega1, you get credit for having the BEST opening line to a comment on a hub of all time. "I actually like the feeling of those little anus bubbles" should be a T-shirt or something. I had to wait for the laughter to stop before I kept reading. SO, thanks. As for the rest, I really think you should write them up. You write perfectly well and, well, you know people would gobble those stories up (lol @ gobble--gross!). But, if not, I still appreciate that you, erm, didn't tell me about those events, but if you had, it would probably have been embarassing, so your restraint was probably a good idea. :)

mega1 on August 28, 2010:

I actually like the feeling of those little anus bubbles - as long as they make no noise! I could tell you a few stories relating to gas combined with first dates and riding in a car to the dance in a taffeta dress - I could tell you about meeting the man of my dreams one afternoon at a barbecue and cutting a nice juicy one just as he was asking me for my phone number! I could tell you, but I won't cuz, your story is best of all and I could never compete! I will have a couple fiber ones next time I need to do a nice cleaning of the colon thing - yes?

Shadesbreath (author) from California on August 27, 2010:

You might be right, Cags, she might not have done it on purpose. But I'm definitely watching what she feeds more carefully, just in case. You can never be too sure with women.

Raymond D Choiniere from USA on August 26, 2010:

Hey Shadesbreath, sorry to hear about your dilemma, I'm sure your wife didn't do it intentionally, but then again, who knows. LOL! Thank you for the laugh. I know the feeling, kinda sorta, because there were a couple of time in school where I was caught off guard with a test, but had chosen to eat a nice healthy breakfast before I went to school. However, I didn't get the shame aspect you felt, but I know the bodily frustration you went through and I know it wouldn't have been any fun. But, reading your story was obviously funny. Thank you for sharing. :)

Shadesbreath (author) from California on August 25, 2010:

Hiya SteveoMc, I'm glad I could provide a humorous read for you. As for upping your fiber, well, don't do it. That's all I can say. It's not worth it. If you do, at least stay home and spare yourself some awkwardness.

Lightning John - yes, they were banished, they all did detention and were sent home where their parents made them do math homework, then dishes, before being sent to bed without dessert. The damage to my home has all been repaired and my wife is out of the neck brace now. :D