Author, poet, lawyer, former college football player, basic bro. I'm what you'd get if you crossed Nicolas Cage and Creed Bratton together
Harry Potter is a book and movie series chronicling the story of Harry Potter, a child and later a teenager who attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Unless you’ve been isolated in the Amazon rainforest for the last two decades, you probably already knew this. Indeed, not since the release of Star Wars has such a franchise so thoroughly dominated popular culture. I myself am in no way ashamed to admit that I’m a huge fan of the series. It wouldn’t even be much of an exaggeration to refer to me as a “Potterhead.” Thus, I thought it would fun to spice up the story a bit, to reimagine Harry Potter as a teen, sex comedy, something akin to American Pie or Porky’s. The following depicts how such a film could play out.
Every good teen movie needs to begin with a hook for the audience, preferably in the form of some mishap, which will captivate the viewers and leave them wanting more. I could envision such a scene with Ron Weasley, who one evening is sneaking away to the second-floor girls’ bathroom. This is because he knows no one ever uses it, and he wants privacy to, let’s just say, practice with his wand. While sitting inside one of the stalls, he’s caught in a compromising position by the ghost of Moaning Myrtle. Myrtle asks what he’s doing, as Ron attempts to shoo her away.
Once Myrtle realizes what’s occurring, she begins to make suggestive remarks, such as when she peers down and says, “You know what that reminds me of, don’t you? That giant Basilisk that killed me. I looked straight into its ‘eye’ and it killed me. Good thing I’m already dead.”
Then, she would probably ask Ron if he’d like to enter her “Chamber of Secrets” then make a comment like, “You know, when I was alive, I was so good at pleasuring the snake, that they used to ask if I spoke Parseltongue; honestly, I don’t know really know how they’d talk dirty in the wizardly world, but I assume it would be something alone these lines. She’d then perhaps finish with “Casper’s not the only friendly ghost, you know?”
Ron continually refuses these advances, pleading with her to keep it down. The ghost, incensed by these rejections, breaks the pipes, causing the bathroom to flood. She then releases a horrendous bellow as if she’s Howard Dean after the Iowa caucus. Ron desperately tries to hush her, but it’s too late. Many of the professors and the students have already rushed to the bathroom. They bust open the stall to find Ron drenched, with his robes partially removed, as a part of him stands at attention. The camera would then pan to McGonagall, who crosses her arms and disapprovingly shakes her head, while Ron shoots back an embarrassed smile.
The next day we see Harry, who being the quidditch team’s star seeker as well as the “Chose One,” would play this film’s role as the popular kid—the one who seemingly has everything; but like every adolescent, he still has deep-seeded issues he keeps hidden from his peers. Harry’s world has just come crashing down, as he was just dumped by one of the hottest girls in school, Cho Chang. Potter’s designation as the “Big Man On Campus” was not enough to prevent Cho from being wooed by an older man and Hogwarts’ graduate, Cedric Diggory.
A bitter Harry remarks that Cho’s attractiveness is just a façade, “Give a girl the right boyfriend, someone say . . . like me, and any girl could transform into the most popular chick in school.” Draco Malfoy, overhearing his boasting, responds, “You ready to put your money where your mouth is, Potter?”
The two come to an arrangement in which Malfoy will pick a girl; and if Harry can make her Queen of the Yule Ball, he’ll win. The two officially seal this compact with the unbreakable vow, which Harry soon regrets, when Malfoy selects Luna Lovegood as the target.
Flash to a new scene— Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, and Seamus Finnigan are sitting in the Gryffindor common room. The awkward youths contemplate their failures as men, as they’re in their seventh and final year at Hogwarts, yet have yet to go all the way with a witch. Seamus screams that he’s tired of being a virgin and that it’s about time they all do something about it. The boys make a pact that they’ll lose their virginities before they graduate.
They’re now ready to set their plan in motion. But first, Neville asks Ron and Seamus what “beating the bludger” feels like, which, translated to muggle lingo, would be akin to third base (I assume wizarding world would substitute quidditch analogies for baseball ones.) Ron replies by saying it’s like it’s like warm “Flobberworm Mucus.” With that, the boys set off to try and do the deed.
Before we continue, there is one important thing that needs to be resolved and that is in regards to Voldemort. Though a key character in the series, Voldemort’s lurking presence wouldn’t work within this hypothetical film, especially as it concerns Harry. I vividly remember what it felt like to be a teenager, constantly obsessing about females. However, I would have had a difficult time focusing on the opposite sex if I knew that somewhere out there was a psychotic death wizard whose entire existence was predicated on trying to kill me.
Thus, I can think of two scenarios as to how Voldemort could be eliminated from the film. One way could be,that he’s actually killed on the night he tried to kill Harry and murdered his parents. I personally am fond of a second outcome, which could occur sometime after the Dark Lord’s return during The Goblet of Fire. Voldemort eventually realizes that having an unhealthy fixation with a teenager he tried to kill as an infant may not be the best use of his time. He decides to move to Oklahoma and open up a snake sanctuary. While there, he decides to rebrand himself the “Cobra King”, gets super into guns, and starts convincing straight guys to have sex with him by feeding them meth.
But I digress. Back to our story, Seamus decides that the only way he’s going to land a hot chick is with amortentia. This is a love potion which will make the consumer fall for the concoctor for some archaic reason that isn’t illegal within the wizarding world. I know this fact, because I checked. Unfortunately, he accidentally put it in the wrong chalice—the one belonging to Professor Trelawney. The potion compels Trelawney to compulsively hug and kiss the teenage boy, which surprisingly is on the low end of the spectrum when it comes to the bizarre antics she’s pulled. Meanwhile, Ron becomes infatuated with the goody-two-shoes Hermione Granger, whom he tries to win over by joining all her academic extracurriculars. After a rocky start, they slowly start to develop some chemistry while working on a potion assignment together (Get it?).
Poor Neville then suffers another humiliation after he breaks into Snape’s potions storage closet, stealing a bottle of Flobberworm Mucus. He takes it to the herbology classroom which, because of some strange plant fetish, is where he likes to Jeffery Toobin (Yeah, that’s a verb now). Neville begins the process, but then accidentally gets his member lodged in Devil’s Snare, a vine like herb which works like quicksand—the more you struggle, the harder it pulls. As he grapples with the tenacious shrub, he inadvertently knocks over pots of mandrakes, those weird, baby-looking roots that scream upon release. Their shrieks alert Professor Sprout and Snape, who both storm in. The best part of this scene would be watching Snape’s reaction when he realizes what Neville was doing with his Flobberworm mucus.
Also, I could imagine a scene in which the three boys, during after-hours, borrow the Marauder's Map and the invisibility cloak in order to sneak into the library’s restricted section and steal a book on risqué spells to enhance performance, essentially the magical version of Enzyte. They get the book, but then are caught by Filch. The night watchman confiscates it and says, “I’ll let you off easy this time, but you better get back to your bunks.” Then Filch just keeps it for himself because he’s so obviously a dirty old man.
Rumor of this fiasco leads Hagrid to attempt to give Ron “the talk,” which as you can imagine, gets insanely awkward, very quickly. Honestly, picture getting a discussion of the birds and the bees from an eleven-foot-tall, gruff, bearded man, while in his Unabomber-esk shack. This would be made more uncomfortable by what I’m sure is always the elephant in the room— when people encounter the half-giant, which is how, in God’s name, was his five-foot-tall father able to physically conceive a child with a woman taller than a three-story house? I have some ideas of how this could have transpired, but I won’t explain them here, as I wish to not traumatize the reader.
In the meantime, Harry attempts to win over Luna. This proves to be an arduous task, considering how strange she is. I guess this makes sense considering her father owns what is essentially the magic community’s version of Info Wars. Potter’s persistence pays off, as he convinces her to go on a date with him. Harry soon realizes that he and Luna actually have a lot in common. For instance, she lost her mother while Harry is also an orphan. Little by little, Harry learns to enjoy her idiosyncrasies. He realizes that there’s more to her than meets the eye and that there’s really something unique about her.
The Yule Ball is now just around the corner. Harry was going to attend with Luna, but Malfoy let slip that her courtship was all part of a bet. Cho broke up with Cedric and now desperately wants Harry back. So, Harry somewhat reluctantly decides to go with his ex. Ron is going with Hermione while Seamus attends stag. Neville almost had a date. In fact, he somehow got close to losing his V card with a foreign exchange student from Beauxbatons Academy. Unfortunately, let’s just say, his wand fired off before he could fully cast his spell. Worse yet, the entire thing was broadcast to the entire school via a massive, hidden, two-way mirror. Now Neville is subject to the constant mockery of his classmates, especially Malfoy.
At the dance, Harry and Cho are selected as the Yule Ball’s king and queen, respectively. An exuberant Cho ushers Harry to the Room of Requirement, which now has become a cheap motel room. She then undresses, commenting that she wants to “take a ride on his Firebolt” and dares him to come “grab her Golden Snitch.” He nervously strolls over to her. “Put a horcrux in me, Chosen One,” she would moan. I imagine there’d also be a comment there about how she wants to suck him harder than that dementor almost sucked out his soul. But once again, I’m not an expert at risqué, magical lingo.
Harry’s about to ‘ Double, Double Toil and Trouble’ the young matron, when Dobby the house-elf suddenly appears, cock-blocking the young hero. “Harry Potter mustn’t sleep with the floozy Cho Chang. Harry Potter loves Luna Lovegood and should be with her.”
Potter realizes he’s righ,t and thanks Dobby for saving his ass, once again. He rushes out of the Room of Requirements and through the castle’s halls, as “Somebody’s Baby” blasts in the background https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcfxAhQyouw.
The Yule Ball ends, and Malfoy decides to throw an afterparty at his parents’ place. His parents have recently divorced; and to get back at her lying, cheating husband, Narcissa Malfoy decides to let her son throw a ‘rager’ at the Lucius’s estate. Ron and Hermione decide to hookup in the basement. It’s at this point where Ron discovers that the straight-laced Hermione is actually a bit of a super freak. She ties Ron to the bed, straps on black leather attire, and dons over-the-hell, stiletto high heels. She then performs the cruciatus curse on him while telling him to scream her name. The worst part of this is that Ron realizes he actually enjoys it.
Seamus discovers a recently dumped Fleur Delacour crying in the corner and comforts her. He ends up getting with her because it’s almost a requirement that in every teen movie one of the awkward weirdos ends up hooking up with the hottest girl in school. A dejected Neville ends up accidentally wandering into Narcissus’s bedroom. She asks what he’s doing there, and when he finds out he’s a pure blood, it peaks her interest.
“So, you’re into herbology?” she asks, as she gently rubs her wand. “I use to enjoy class. I just loved the way those plants grew.” She would then probably say something like, “I’ve got some fancy butter-beer here. Aged eighteen years, just the way I like it.” Probably one of the film’s best scenes would be when Draco ends up discovering Neville and his mother the following morning.
The movie’s pivotal moment occurs at the Owlery. Luna is sitting alone, then notices Harry standing behind her. She gets up and they gaze into each other’s eyes. Harry then confesses, “Luna, I made that bet before I knew you, before I even knew myself.” Luna eats this up, since she did not grow up in the Muggle world and thus has no idea that Harry plagiarized Freddie Prinze Jr. in She’s All That. The two then kiss and make up. Also, since Harry lost the bet, I guess he’d have to do something—I don’t know, maybe flash Dumbledore during the graduation ceremony or some such nonsense.
Finally, I think the movie could have one more scene, perhaps a post-credit scene one in which two professors hook-up. Personally, I’d be for a rendezvous occurring between Hagrid and Dolores Umbridge. This would be the perfect match, since one is an enormous, unclean oaf and the other is a high-strung bureaucrat who desperately needs to get laid. You could sort of see it naturally occurring in a visit Dolores makes to Hagrid’s shack. She scolds him for his untidiness, referring to him as “unkempt, brutish, monstrous, strong, masculine…” before jumping all over him. What would transpire then would be one of those things which is so horrible you just can’t look away.
© 2021 RMS Thornton