I Wrote my First Movie Review While Giving Birth to a Camera. It has followed me ever since. Please don't mind the Mess.
Tony Burgess and Patrick Whistler
8 to 10 minutes…
That’s about how long into the horror/genre mashup Dreamland I was before I wanted to turn it off because if the first 10 minutes are going this poorly then it stands to reason that the rest of the movie will be this bad, be this dull.
Because of you, dear reader. It was enough of an ordeal sitting through the movie, but to force myself to relive this harrowingly tedious experience again by writing about it is something I would only wish on my worst enemy. And 5 people in traffic on my way to work today. And the person who takes so f*cking long to order when there’s already a line behind him/her at a restaurant. And Karens.
The person reading this review right now. Who did you think I was talking to?
Not at all. Besides you, there are at least 2 or even 3 people that read these consistently. It reaches up to 6 when it’s a Marvel movie.
I understand. I should get back to he review so the other person reading this doesn’t leave…
Dreamland opens with ace hitman Johnny Deadeyes (Stephen McHattie- 2019’s Rabid) killing a bunch of people while posing as a limousine driver. I guess you can add the limousine driver to the list of people that Johnny has killed in the past 15 minutes. Johnny has a bad and obvious wig.
Why do we need to point this out? Because there’s a character that goes by the name of Trumpet Player (Stephen McHattie, from 2009’s Watchmen). They look a lot alike because they’re played by the same person and that awful mop of a wig is the only way you’ll be able to tell who’s who.
Before Johnny burns the bodies along with the limo, he notices a stack of pictures with what look like white stains on them. They’re of little girls. You get the feeling those little girls are going to be bought and sold on the black market. Johnny does not like this. Sure, he kills people for a living but he draws the line at pimping out little children like so many R. Kelly’s or the Catholic Church.
Before going back to his boss, Johnny has a run-in with Trumpet Player—
I think it’s pretty basic special effects. You saw it all the time on Orphan Black and countless instances throughout the history of movies.
After the meet-cute, Johnny goes back to his boss, Hercules (Henry Rollins). Johnny’s been working for Hercules for years and wants to confirm the direction the organization is going.
Johnny does not like this.
Hercules doesn’t care. They are now diversifying into child hos. And, Hercules wants Johnny to cut off Trumpet Player’s pinky because of some perceived slight Trumpet Player might have perpetrated a while back.
Johnny says fine, to the finger cutting. Still a hard pass on the kids-for-sale racket.
Johnny goes back to his apartment to find a little boy waiting for him there. His name is Dario (Morgan Csarno-Peklar) and he tells Johnny that someone has taken his little sister Olivia.
Now Johnny has to drive all the way back to work right after he just came from work, which is such a waste of gas and this is another reason why child prostitution sucks: the waste of gas.
Johnny goes back to Hercules with Trumpet Player’s finger. He sees Hercules with a little girl that Johnny presumes is Olivia. In exchange for the finger Johnny would like Olivia.
Hercules would love to, but Olivia’s been earmarked to be married to a vampire (Tomas Lemarquis). Or at least someone who looks like a vampire, because he’s got fangs and the black outfit and everything. If he’s not really a vampire, his cosplay is pretty top shelf. Too bad he’s a perv who wants to get married to a 14-year old girl.
It looks like Johnny’s work is cut out for him. He’s got to break up a wedding between a vampire and a prepubescent girl, save the other children from Hercules’ grubby little paws, and then frame Gildare for it.
A hitman’s work is never done.
What Works With Dreamland
- Juliette Lewis’ extended cameo as “Countess” in the only performance in the movie that doesn’t put you to sleep. She looks and sounds like she’s acting in a different movie. When she saw this movie for the first time I bet she wished she were in a different movie
What Doesn’t Work With Dreamland
- Director Bruce McDonald reunites with his Pontypool star Stephen McHattie. You’d be better off watching the excellent Pontypool 67 more times before even considering this. Because it’s so much better. The fact that there’s an infinitely better movie out there makes Dreamland’s dreadfulness feel so much worse for the viewer.
- You’d think any movie involving a vampire and little children looking and acting like tiny Reservoir Dogs would pass some basic threshold of entertainment. You couldn’t be more wrong. There’s “entertainingly bad” and then there’s “Do your taxes before the extended July deadline while watching this movie because your taxes are more exciting” bad.
- I could write a half-dozen more things wrong with this movie but that would mean I’d have to think about it some more. I sat through it. I’m writing about it. Haven’t I been through enough?
You might be in dreamland before actually finishing Dreamland. Finish reading this review and never give the movie another thought. You’ve wasted enough of your life on this movie as it is.