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Disaster Porn Saturday Night: Christmas Twister (aka F6: Twister)

Ethan (Casper Van Dien) carries son Max (Dmitri Schuyler-Linch) from the devasted mall

Ethan (Casper Van Dien) carries son Max (Dmitri Schuyler-Linch) from the devasted mall

After drinking copius amounts of loaded egg nog (or your favorite adult beverage) and having opened the last of the Christmas presents, what else is there for you to do in order to keep the spirit alive? Why watch this warm hearted family disaster movie of course!

You know you're in for a treat when it's 11:30 at night on December 22 and a family of three stops to get gas at a rural diner/gas station and they even let the daughter have a piece of pie. With ice cream no doubt.

As the mother and daughter place their order, dad is finishing up gassing up the car and realizes that there's a CGI tornado nearly on top of them.

When the radio cuts in with a warning and the daughter is dumb enough to ask what it means, you know you're in for a treat.

Dad comes rushing in and the patrons of the diner seek refuge in a shed outback while the tornado destroys the diner and gas station. Oh, yeah, it explodes but they don't seem to notice it.

Meanwhile at 2:45 a.m. on December 23, Ethan Walker (Casper Van Dien) is woken up by his phone and is called into work. His wife Addison (Victoria Pratt) is mad about the interruption to her sleep (she's an anchorwoman and was going to be getting up in a few minutes anyway) and the fact that he has to go to work.

The two have been having marital problems and wouldn't you know it, today's also their anniversary. Ethan and his perfectly coiffed hair give her a kiss and a card and he suggests that they grill up some steaks, grab a bottle of wine and ship the kids off to her parents later that night.

Addison reminds him that she has an assignment later that night and won't be home, but they can celebrate over the weekend. Duh, it's Christmas and not a time to be making whoppee.

Anyway, he checks in on the sleeping kids Kaitlyn (Haley Lu Richardson) and notices that Max (Dmitri Schuyler-Linch) is still up. Ethan reminds him that he's still grounded for playing with his tools, even though he did a tremendous job of making a Nativity scene. As he leaves the room, he tells Ashlee (the dog) to go back to sleep.

At his office, his assistants Chloe (Madelyn Deutch) and Zack (Julian Curtis) bring him up to date about the tornado and Zack notices a hook echo on his computer. Chloe asks what that is and they school her on the atmosphere. Okay, so she's an assistant who doesn't know anything except kissing up to Ethan.

Three hours later (at 7:30 a.m.) while meteorologist Logan Haynes (Richard Burgi) is giving his forecast, Ethan calls Addison and tells her that his forecast is all wrong and there's still a chance for tornadoes. Addison reminds him of what happened when he predicted wrong and Chicago was evacuated for no reason.

Back at the Walker homestead, Kaitlyn is getting ready to take Max to school and Max fears that his parents are going to get a divorce. Kaitlyn says that he's nuts and once outside his school, he realizes that she's going to skip school and head to the mall.

At the station, Addison is being pressured by Logan to join him as he has accepted a job in the New York City market and he knows that the two of them are a great team, since they left Chicago to come to Fort Worth, but Addison doesn't want to leave and she tries to tell producer Deb (Christina DeRosa) that more tornadoes are on the way, but she reminds her that as a "favor" to her, she put a crawl on the screen. She too is leery of Ethan's forecast.

Having skipped school, Kaitlyn meets up with her bestie Lexi (Kassandra Clementi) and she tells her that school hunk Bryan (Daniel Amerman) is going to meet them after he finishes his test in Bio.

Fearing the CGI tornado, Ethan takes Max out of school (where in the background the principal is issuing a tornado drill) and it's off to pick Kaitlyn up. Max tells him that Kaitlyn skipped school and is at the mall.

Well, you can imagine what happens next as the mall shuts down completely and Kaitlyn stares at the locked entrance doors as Bryan is sucked up into the twister.

Everyone at the mall races to the storm shelter (while the tornado just sits outside the doors) and once the twister is over, Kaitlyn is the first to go out in the untouched corridor (because none of the adults are that stupid) but finds the mall a mess.

She even manages to save a girl named Anna (Telana Lynum) from some debris!

Ethan and Max roll up (look behind them at the untouched parking lot and cars) and he tells Max to stay in the car as the zombie shoppers start to come out of the mall. Panicked, Ethan asks if anyone has seen his daughter (like they all know who she is) and after being reunited, they head out to the car, but now Max is gone.

Again, Ethan runs among the zombie shoppers asking if they've seen him and he comes across a girl wearing Max's sweatshirt (Beverly Jaret). She points to the entrance and tells him that he went to save her grandfather. All this in a matter of two minutes.

Now Max is under some fallen debris and is carried out by Ethan.

Ethan decides that the kids (along with Lexi) should go to the grandparent's house as he heads to the station. Since she's saved Anna, this hero in Daisy Dukes volunteers to go with Ethan, because she knows she'll be needed.

The twister has destroyed the Walker home and little Ashlee is last seen roaming the streets of Granbury, frightend and alone.

Again, the raging CGI tornado hangs out at the entrance of the station as people are running around inside trying to get to the shelter. They're all listening to Addison give orders, and she asks where pregnant Joanna (Kristen Kerr) is. Then she remembers that she was sent to the sub-basement to look for a CB radio.

I swear, Addison goes down fifty flights of stairs to the basement and on her trek, she hugs the wall as the building moves. As the tornado rages above her, her co-workers are still running around in the corridor with no signs of damage to the building. Even when the tornado moves, the building isn't damaged.

However, she hears Joanna moaning while on the stairs and has to clear debris blocking the door.

After rescuing Joanna, the basement fills up with smoke (from a fire on an upper floor) and the employees are all standing around a door looking up at the fire as Ethan and Kaitlyn arrive.

They too have to take the seventy-five stories below ground to save Addison and Joanna.

Once back home, Ethan is grilling up some burgers and Kaitlyn is sliding into the pool when Max hopes that Ashlee comes home. Boy, she's your dog and you're not out looking for her? I think I'd be out looking for my dog rather than decide if I wanted medium rare hamburgers.

But remember the house was destroyed and as the camera pulls back, only the roof suffered some damage, yet the Nativity scene was still intact. At least the CGI tornado was respectful.

After watching this, I needed a drink (or two. Okay a fifth) and everything about this movie is just wrong.

Mountains in Texas? All of the girls wearing Daisy Dukes and shorter? Overacting extras? The list goes on and on.

But, hey, this is what Disaster Porn is all about. Bad movies to make fun of.


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