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Disaster Porn Saturday Night: 500 MPH Storm

With a whole lot of dumb questions, the Sims family Johnny (Bryan Head in the backseat) Mona (Sarah Lieving) and Nathan (Casper Van Dien) are chased by a massive tornado and flood

With a whole lot of dumb questions, the Sims family Johnny (Bryan Head in the backseat) Mona (Sarah Lieving) and Nathan (Casper Van Dien) are chased by a massive tornado and flood

Is it terrible of me to wish a whole family would die, or maybe just a couple of them?

I'm not sure exactly what I just watched, but I do know it was probably one of the worst disaster movies that I've seen. And I was sober.

In an effort to save energy, this company decides to shoot a radioactive beam into space (as an experiment) and things go wrong. Mainly, it sets off a huge storm with a ton of tornados and if they all merge, there's going to be hell to pay since it could turn into a hypercane.

As the movie opens, the Sims family (Casper Van Dien, Sarah Lieving and Bryan Head) are at a hot air balloon festival. Everything is perfect, especially the weather.

However, Nathan (Van Dien) notices that a storm is brewing and roughly sets their balloon down and tells them to run.

At this point as the storm hits, Mona and Johnny start to ask stupid questions and a news report comes over the radio about this big mega storm. It just formed for crying out loud and the government is telling people to evacuate?

The storm chases them to their house and they discover that they have no power. Let's put it this way, nothing works and Johnny just needs to get onto the Internet. What part of nothing works doesn't he understand?

Nathan thinks its best to leave the house and head for safety in the mountains.

Guess what? That pesky tornado must have been hiding in the bushes because now it's bigger and chases them again (this time bringing a flood). Mona and Johnny panic as Nathan drives just a tad too fast (with Johnny complaining about the speed).

Nathan outsmarts the tornado and hides out at an abandoned factory. Cue dumb questions again.

Oh, but tornado/flood is waiting and starts to destroy the factory and they speed out of there with Mona suggesting they go to the animal sanctuary in the mountains. Obviously she wasn't listening since Nathan was going to take them to the mountains.

When they finally get to the mountains (now I don't live in a mountainous area and I don't think that the top of a mountain is flat) Nathan dumps the two off and heads to the plant where the problems are happening.

As he's driving, he gets a military helicopter escort (remember, NOTHING is working) and the tornado/flood finds him as well. He's taken to I guess a secret military base somewhere in the desert (which looks like the abandoned factory).

They may have been saved from the tornado, but the flood is in hot pursuit. Remember, they're in the freaking desert!

Things happen and Nathan survives, but up in the abandoned ranger's station Johnny is able to review reports from the Internet and when Nathan gets back to the ranger's station, Johnny tells him he knows where a helicopter is.

I forgot to mention that Johnny was hit by a flying log earlier, yet manages to run with his family to the helicopter (and through water by the way) while a man sits in the forest fire strumming a guitar.

By this point, I had already lost my mind and it was wandering and I kept asking myself why was I still watching this? But, I guess it's like an accident (which there is one earlier and dumb Mona and Johnny ask what it is) you just can't take your eyes away from it.

Actually, the best way to watch this movie is to turn it into a drinking game (oh, you'll be drunk by the end of it) and trust me, you'll be rooting (like I was) for the tornado.

It doesn't get any worse than this, but, I'm sure there's worse disaster porn out there and I can't wait to tackle it.

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